And that's why it helps to explain that detachment DOES NOT have to be disconnection. Thinking about it as disconnection and disengagement SHOULD frighten people. They should want human connection.
I agree. So is the solution to just tell them to stay in the same mindset that got them there in the first place? Yes I am talking about being extremely brave and needing to face up to fears and fears about being able to be yourself and have that be enough.
But don’t you see that this IS part of the problem, that dysfunctional people are in their situation because they ARE afraid and have never known the security to be brave in the first place? What you are telling people is that they should have faith and trust what you are telling them, that if they follow your advice, they will be happy and safe, they will enjoy deeper connections. How do you convince someone who has known nothing but pain and loss all their life and has come to realize that no one can be trusted, that every time they do trust someone, they get hurt? How do you convince that person to put their hand on the stove again, that this time you promise they won’t get burned? Your words will feel completely hollow to them.
This is the reality of what we are dealing with on this board. These are not people with a clear understanding of differentiation and connection. Even if we intellectually understand the concepts, once we interact with our partners, the pre-programmed emotions kick in, at it is those emotions that determine our fear and whether we can proceed or not.
Telling someone to be extremely brave is just a pipe dream. If it were that easy, all a counselor would need is 15 minutes to straighten out anyone. Look at CeMar. He is a good example of how deep pain can run and how high defenses can build. He seems to understand everything discussed on this board, yet he feels what he feels.
