Can I just point out the absurdity of your H whispering under the covers like a 14 year old teenaged girl afraid her Dad is going to find out she's talking to her boyfriend? I can see how it would upset you, but that's rather pathetic.
Thanks for that, Heimlich. It helps me so very much to look at this with an eye for absurdity, even a bit of humor. Even some of the things that almost kill me when he says them seem funny later. Like when we went to dinner and he immediately told me he feels strange about spending money "outside the family," then followed that up a minute later with, "You seem glum, and you're not eating. Are you on a diet?" So thanks for the "pathetic" part; it helps.
Originally Posted By: ItsKat
I guess what you have to figure out is how you are going to enforce this boundary.
I hadn't thought of that, Kat, but to be honest, if I asked for that and he agreed, I believe he'd respect it. Of course I'd have to figure out before I asked what I'd be willing to do if he didn't.
It seems kind of silly when I lay it out: Don't talk to OW in bed? Don't talk to OW while you're at home, period? Don't talk to OW when we're both at home? Don't talk to OW after 10 pm? Don't let me catch you talking to OW at home? Does texting count? I obviously have a lot more thinking to do.
This morning I was cheery and he was curt. He knew I was mad last night (first time he's seen that since the bomb), and his attitude this morning was typical after an interaction like that. Tonight's his night to go out, and if we didn't have a contractor coming to the house tonight I'd expect not to see him before bedtime. I expect it to be awkward, but I'm going to need to be prepared to discuss it calmly if he brings it up, and to stay positive with him either way.
In my mind last night I was saying things to DH like, "How bout we agree not to talk at home to anyone we're sleeping with?" Not the direction I want to go, obviously!
And thanks, Kat, for sharing your experience. That sounds absolutely awful, and I can imagine the relief you felt when he left.
I think me setting this kind of boundary is the kind of thing that may make him so uncomfortable that eventually he'll leave. If he's going to go, I'd hate for him to do it with the attitude, "You drove me to it" instead of "I just have to go." Does that make sense? Of course, if this turns out to be something I really have to put my foot down about, then not clearly setting that boundary with him would be bad for me. Also no good.
So when, exactly, does one's PMA get so strong that it can't be destroyed in a second by something the spouse does?
