Great Cobra! I was going to head in a similar direction too!
I also know that differentiated people can emotionally bond closer that non-differentiated people.
Great because I did not realize that.
My wife likes to make the very same claim. I have seen her cry for the same reasons, even over a stranger that she never knew. She claims this is because she is so empathic that she can feel the other’s pain. That might be true, but it might also be that she is reliving the pain of her mother and brother dying. Empathy seems to be VERY tightly linked to painful experiences we have personally experience in our past.
Please don't mistake me for your wife because I don't think she and I are much alike other than possibly on the surface.
When I cried for Mr. Rogers, I was crying for myself. In H.S. when I went to a funeral for my brother's friend and hugged his sister and started crying, I was very aware that I was crying because I realized how I would feel if my brother died. I was embarrassed for my crying at that moment because MY EMOTION was not important at the time.
Fearless: I think you see enmeshment as the only way for people to be empathetic to another's feelings.
Cobra: No, I never said this. In fact, I never touched on the subject of empathy. You are the one mixing the two together.
That's why I said "I think." I was stating how I understood your POV and you are telling me I am wrong about my thoughts. That's fine because it helps me understand what you think.
It is the transition out of enmeshment that seems to be THE major obstacle for troubled marriages.
Exactly!! The transition about of everything is painful. My goal is to show the positives out there because why in the world would you want to go through the pain of transitioning out of enmeshment IF the end result wasn't worth it???
Detachment can be VERY scary for some people.
And that's why it helps to explain that detachment DOES NOT have to be disconnection. Thinking about it as disconnection and disengagement SHOULD frighten people. They should want human connection.
For someone coming from a troubled background, trying to understand what is wrong with enmeshment and why s/he should instead detach and stop worrying about others is an EXTREMELY difficult and scary concept to get.
I agree. So is the solution to just tell them to stay in the same mindset that got them there in the first place? Yes I am talking about being extremely brave and needing to face up to fears and fears about being able to be yourself and have that be enough.
It might be your differentiation. But I bet it is just as likely that you send out the kind of signals that some would take as comforting and bonding.
Yes but I see my differentiation and my ability to be comforting as part of the same qualities. People don't have to worry that I will insert me into their problems...
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
