Yes. I am well aware of that definition of enmeshment. I am also well aware of the difference between enmeshment and empathy. Empathy is completely distinct from the ideas of enmeshment and differentiation. Empathy can be present in either, or not. Empathy is not the same as validation. I am fully aware of this.
Emotional bonding is NOT enmeshment. Differentiated people can emotionally bond with others and in fact can do so easily WITHOUT LOSING THEMSELVES. Being differentiated makes it easier to feel and empathize with another's emotions WITHOUT feeling like it is YOUR emotion.
Perhaps I should not have said emotional bonding, though I’m not sure what would be a better word. But as you can see from your definition of enmeshment, the lose of identity, when two people can’t distinguish one from the other, is what I had in mind when I say enmeshment is too much emotional bonding, when the emotions, feelings and boundaries of one become mixed up with the other. Maybe I didn’t describe this well, but my understanding is consistent with what you are saying. I also know that differentiated people can emotionally bond closer that non-differentiated people.
Enmeshment is looking to another to "complete" you
Right, I understand this.
The difference is in HOW you feel the other's pain. I am an empathetic person and an emotional person; so I tend to cry easily….
Your story may not be entirely true. My wife likes to make the very same claim. I have seen her cry for the same reasons, even over a stranger that she never knew. She claims this is because she is so empathic that she can feel the other’s pain. That might be true, but it might also be that she is reliving the pain of her mother and brother dying. Empathy seems to be VERY tightly linked to painful experiences we have personally experience in our past.
I think you see enmeshment as the only way for people to be empathetic to another's feelings.
No, I never said this. In fact, I never touched on the subject of empathy. You are the one mixing the two together.
Also I don't think we are using the same definition for detachment (and there are more than one). For me detachment is separating yourself from someone so you can remain individuals however it is NOT a disconnection or disengagement at all.
As you say, there are more than one definition. Yours may work for you, but what I see is that for two enmeshed people, detachment MUST mean and will FEEL like a disconnect and disengagement. Perhaps you are the one who does not understand the mindset and feelings of the dysfunctional person. Just because you feel as you do about detachment doesn’t mean others feel that way. Detachment can be VERY scary for some people.
So if you believe that to be a differentiated person you must disengage and disconnect from others…
Yes, in order to break the enmeshment levels…
…then I can understand why differentiation would bother you.
Wrong. It is not that differentiation bothers me. I think I have been very clear that I agree with the concept and the ideas of Schnarch, Dieda and others. It is the transition out of enmeshment that seems to be THE major obstacle for troubled marriages.
For me it is the other way around, differentiation is what gives you the power to connect to others in a truly meaningful way.
I agree. But Fearless, you seem to always can at things from your POV, that being someone who seems well balanced and differentiated. If you are as empathic as you say, then try to understand that to a troubled marriage, what you say could sound like total Greek. I know. For someone coming from a troubled background, trying to understand what is wrong with enmeshment and why s/he should instead detach and stop worrying about others is an EXTREMELY difficult and scary concept to get.
As Corri says, once you see what you could not see, it makes no sense as to why there was ever a problem. But that is hindsight. IMO, you tend to look at problems too much from the advantage of hindsight. That is not a criticism, and could actually be a compliment because you never had to experience the turmoil and craziness of living in a dysfunctional household. You have always known sanity.
I have no idea if it would surprise you to know that people have always seemed to gravitate to me to talk and open up. I get the "you are so easy to talk with" line all the time. I love people. I like having connections to people. I believe that my differentiation is probably part of that draw.
It might be your differentiation. But I bet it is just as likely that you send out the kind of signals that some would take as comforting and bonding. While you might see it as a differentiated meeting, the other might be feeling the comfortable draw of enmeshment. The difference between the two is all in the mind of the beholder.
