Well I cannot report a Miracle but I can say he is trying. He has been dry for over a week now. He left on Sunday ( HIS WAY OF DEALING WITH HIS ANGER) to blow off some steam... and in the middle of my post he returned. I notmally would have caled him to say "hey lets talk, blah , blah , blah" or WORRIED myself sick and just plain let him control my day even when he is not here.
INSTEAD: I watched a Movie with the kids took a bath gave myself a pedicure and pampered me!
When he walked in the room I acted "as if" and kept watching TV. ( I noramlly am not a tv person) I was actually online posting but my D9 came up and said " Hey MOM Dad is home so I closed my Laptop and put the TV on....
I was almost laughing when he said I just had to hurry back back to see my sweetheart... He was pleasant the rest of the evening...
I later mentioned he had no reason to blow up and just leave. What did he fix by leaving? ( he was angry cause must have been over a week ago when he had company. Someone stole over half my CD/DVD collection. When he asked me why I had not said anything I replied " cause then you act like this" .....( ANGRY/RUDE)
" WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?" this comment "hurt him"
So when he came back ..... I said "so did you get the cds back?"
No reply....
I cannot say a Miracle is in progress and I will not hold my breath,,, but I do believe he is trying. And as for me? I am not reacting.... and it does feel strange to me but it is also liberating. It feels like when I was separated.... it is uncmforatble to work thru the :"NEW" BEHAVIOR but when I do the results are Fabulous.
I have even said to him since my last post when he was rude to me ......that I was going to kill him one day and give him a heart attack....
"I AM NOT GOING TO KILL YOU.... IT IS THAT GARBAGE IN YOUR SYSTEM THAT IS GOING TO KILL YOU. I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO BLAME ME ANYMORE FOR SOMETHING YOU ARE DOING TO YOURSELF. IF AND WHEN YOU DIE IT WILL NOT BE B/C OF ME BUT B/C OF ALL THAT SH*T YOU PUT IN YOU." " THAT IS WHAT IS GIVING YOU SO MUCH F***ING ANXIETY AND PROBLEMS NOT ME." " YOU JUST PRETEND NOT TO SEE IT!!!!"
from MY H .....
ABSOLUTE SILENCE ( PROBABLY SPEECHLESS AND SHOCKED......)
AND FOR ME TO SAY THAT was for me a brave moment.
He wont admit it to me.... ( THAT I AM RIGHT) but I heard him say to his sister on the phone that his drinking had become a problem.......
WILL POST MORE LATER.... I AM DOING WELL.... AND I CAN SEE THAT HE IS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HE NEEDS TO DO DIFFERENT. IN THE MEANTIME I WILL KEEP STAYING NON REACTIVE AND KEEP WORKING ON ME. PRAYING FOR HIM TO OPEN HIS EYES TO WHO HE HAS BECOME..... I HAVE ALSO STOPPED COMPLETELY WALKING ON EGGSHELLS AND IF HE WALKS HE WALKS.... HE NEEDS TO HEAL AND GET BETTER AND ONE DAY HE CAN LOOK BACK AND SAY MY GOD SHE SAVED MY LIFE....... ( OR IF HE DOESNT GET BETTER HE WILL LOOK BACK AND WONDER HOW HE LOST HIS FAMILY ) ~GOD BLESS....
