OK. A couple more lines of BoBeLiNa bullpoopy and then I'm going to bed...
I'll be rambling...
I never was in touch with my feelings growing up and not until my nitemare did I get in touch with them. Mr Spock was my hero. :barf:
First counselor I saw I found those feelings. Made me start to cry. I NEVER cry. He helped me to realize how I was feeling about my M. Ouchy.
My main counselor taught me how to control myself around WS. I delearned sarcasm, angry outbursts, etc. I wasn't much of a user of this stuff anyways. He taught me to get most of it to zilch.
In Feb this year before exposure I was starting to feel the repressed feelings affect my health, hence exposure. Then for the first time (?) I really started to start feeling the anger and resentment, violation, being used, etc. That was the hardest thing yet to contain. Especially if your supposed to be in R. But the hits from her kept coming. I tried to focus on the good, which there was a lot of (sort of ?, at least for her?). We were spending a lot of time together. Closer, but not really, as there were still gangs of things being hidden from me. Lack of honesty and openess and transparency from her. Good for her. Bad for me.
The icky feelings wouldn't go away. Then again she wasn't living by the: http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_ws.asp She more or less refused too. She thought it was silly. Just like MC. If there wasn't one excuse there was a thousand.
For a little while she was "In love with me".
Then in May the FEELING again. Something ain't right. Get her to counselor in Jun and I hear AGAIN ILBINILWY. "Can't we just be friends". :duh:
Then the last conversation Jul 9 and D time.
I feel that this whole marriage was kinda a mirage. Why she would live like this for 15 or so years I don't know. I just don't know. Then I start posting and hear how messed up my life's been and hear about all these personality disorders and enabling and co-dependency and sex issues and etc and it being directly applied to my life. I'd been thinking I'd had a pretty good grip on understanding what had happened to WS and I and then these other dimensions are being discussed. Also the same time the counselor is letting me figure this out also. Just such a chapter. All at once from many sources including my confidants. I'm being unindated with these views. Even OM BS.
Overriding theme is that WS is REALLY messed up. It's really not the A or M or me or God or Money or sex or kids or time or this that and the other thing, it really is about HER... HER... HER... And it's even crazier than I would have ever thought. And I'm thinking, "Is this even freakin' possible?". "Am I really this stupid to have never seen this?". "What the h**ll is wrong with me?". "What the hell is really going on here?".
I never ever thought of her as being messed up. Or a bad person. Or manipulative. Or controlling. Or condescending. I thought that that described me, as she had been telling me that about myself for years.
Thought of her in the most honorable ways. Thought of her as a better person then myself. A hero to me in some ways.
I don't know what to think but I think this view of her being "damaged" is spot on. But it's really, really hard to deal with. Really. It's really messed up. I'm really feeling like, wow, man. Just wow.
This just can't be happening. This just can't be true. Maybe that's why this has been so hard for me. I'm still not believing what's before my very eyes. And I guess I'm also afraid. Afraid that when I do see and believe, I will have dead feelings to her. Absolutely dead. The mother of my children, my wife, will be DEAD to me.
