Oh, I don't think you WANT to be devastated. And, I think you are really doing great these days. It is VERY clear that you are making great progress. Still, I think the cycling back toward the swirl of devastation is doing something for you. Otherwise, it is hard to explain you repeating behaviors that take you back there.
And I think maybe you are getting at what the problem is. In your mind:
"not being devastated" = "setting H free"
"setting H free" = "endorsing his choices"
Maybe the first thing is true. But, surely the second one is not. Rather:
"setting H free" = "not trying to control his choices"
BTW, I hate to tell you, but I very strongly support H's cliché: If you love something, set it free. Certainly the best love is freely chosen. More strongly, I doubt that real, rich, intimate, non-codependent love between romantic partners can exist without it being freely chosen by both partners.
