Hey Hope, You do not need no stinkin' divorce to be free! Take the reigns and be free today! You do not need a divorce paper to act like you are single. I am not telling you to go to a strip bar, but you are your own woman! Plus, there really is no competition with any OW. She will always be second fiddle in everyone's eyes, even your H and his family. It is true! My H has my name tattooed on his arm and his proginy have my eyes, NO ONE can compete with that. They should all be jealous of us, if this was a competition, but it is not. Really, look at some smokin' hot women who have withstood public affairs: Jackie O, Debbie Reynolds, Jennifer Aniston, Hallie Berry, Laura Dern, Uma Thurman, Reece Witherspoon-my personal fave LBS! If I see a magazine cover of Reece I buy it to see how she is doing as a single mom with those two kids after she dumped that cheating H of hers! You are awesome like Reece! And liek Charlotte from Sex and the Ciy! She had a problem having a baby and she ended up marrying her divorce lawyer and adopting a baby from China. Sorry these are not real people to us, we are real people, but we can learn lessons from thei pain too. I just did not want you to feel alone right now because you are not. You are in our thoughts.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Nothing new. It's pretty quiet again. Talked to MIL yesterday. I think that she feels so comfortable with me after all these months that she now vents to me about her other kids. Glad I can be there for her after everything she has done for me. She told me yesterday, I think my family keeps getting crazier. She said H is definately the craziest, but they are all a little crazy. She told my FIL...can you believe we raised 11 kids and now when you are retired we are dealing with all these problems...my H going crazy, another one of their sons has a fatal disease, 19 year old step-granddaughter is pregnant.
Well, H's niece emailed me to vent to me about the drama that continues with H. H jumped her @ss because he was disappointed in her because she didn't lay out the red carpet for OW when she met her last weekend. Glad to see that H feels like he is entitled to tell everyone what they should and shouldn't do. Who died and made him king? Anyway, I'm glad his family is dealing with his drama for once. I have been handling it by myself for too many months. It's about time his family sees what a mess he really is. He's not my problem after Tuesday, so they better get used to the rollercoaster ride. This niece and me are going out on Friday night...I think we will be celebrating...goodbye drama, hello new life.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
hope- I am only 18 days out till our D and I am dealing with a whole new set of emotions...not sure how to act or react...you will be in my thoughts and prayers...SorryDog
Me 47 W 42 D 20 S 18 D 13 S 11 Married 17 yrs Asked for D Mothers Day PA found out on 6/14/07 W filed D 7/3/07 D court date 9/10/07 W moved out 7/17/07
Saw your post on the Surviving the Big D thread, decided to get some quick background before making a recommendation on any books to read.
Know, for your own piece of mind, as this comes to a conclusion that you did everything you could to save the marriage. You obviously still care for him deeply and he is exhibiting remorse that this spun way out of control. So, is all hope lost? If there is a question about this then maybe there is more that you will want to do.
Sitting where I sit, divorced for 10 months, X remarried I toss out the following, for what it is worth.
Before 8/28 tell him you MUST have a face to face because after 8/28 you will NEVER talk to him or see him again if you don't meet before the hearing.
Then you can choose from any one of a number of different approaches that you determine is right for you. If you still want to reconcile, you can tell him you would still consider it under the following conditions and you set those conditions:
He moves into his own place and commits to no contact with OW (you can't really monitor this but if he moved out, that would be a sign)
Or, he moves into your place with NO contact with OW. (you don't have to and should not get intimate with him, you need to start your relationship over again)
Marital counseling to uncover the issues. Things were not so great if he was willing to let a one night stand get to where it is right now.
Apply the DBing techniques from Divorce Remedy and everything else you can get from the boards and counselors.
Other conditions according to what makes sense to you.
The actual conditions and things you come up are less important than giving him an opportunity to escape from the hole he has dug for himself. Right now he sees no escape. The reason for getting together would be to shock him into the reality that he is really going to lose you AND lose any future opportunity of getting back together.
Couples do reconcile just before a D becomes final and sometimes years after the D but with no kids between you, there is not that common bond that keeps a couple in contact with each other. I loved my wife and was willing to reconcile up until she was getting married to OM because of our kids. Yes, I would have swallowed my pride and made things work for their sake.
However, if we had no kids, long before that I would have passed the point of no return, given her an ultimatum and told her if she would not give the marriage a final chance, I was done and never wanted to see her again. Why? For healing, to move on, to live my life the best way I could. When you know you have done everything you can, and there are no kids, it is healthier to move on with your life (NOT into another relationship) as quickly as possible.
To me, the goal is to shock him into at least slowing down and taking a step back to see if this is what he really wants. He has told you this has all spun out of control. This is his lifeline to be a man and take charge of his own life and not let OW control him.
If he goes through with the D, I would suggest one option is to go totally dark, for your own mental health, and to get busy with your life. I wouldn't suggest you date because you would be vulnerable to rebounding but the less he knows about your life the better.
There may then be a final desperate effort on his part to get you back but then it will be up to you if you want your emotions to start going back and forth. The real question would be why make any effort on your part while he is still messing around with OW?
Others would suggest you just stay friends and let him see how great he would have it with you if he came back down the road. This could work too but that simply leaves your life in limbo and the longer he stays with OW, the more settled he will be in that life, whether he likes it or not. It is your life, you make the choices but the longer you stay in limbo, wondering if he might be willing to come back because he is unhappy, the longer your will be MISERABLE.
Hopefully this makes some sense to you. Best wishes.
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
SorryDog, You are in my thoughts and prayers also. I hope your W comes to her senses within the next 18 days. I know about the rush of emotions....anger to sadness. There are better days ahead.
C2H, First of all, I want to thank you for taking the time to drop my thread to give some insight.
Quote:
Know, for your own piece of mind, as this comes to a conclusion that you did everything you could to save the marriage. You obviously still care for him deeply and he is exhibiting remorse that this spun way out of control. So, is all hope lost? If there is a question about this then maybe there is more that you will want to do.
For the first time, I can confidently say that I did everything I could. I do still care for him deeply. He has been showing remorse for months...just no action. So to answer your question, yes all hope is lost. I have given him more chances than he ever deserved and he can not and will not man up.
Quote:
When you know you have done everything you can, and there are no kids, it is healthier to move on with your life (NOT into another relationship) as quickly as possible.
That is exactly where I stand. I have passed the point of no return. He is broken. He will not get away from OW and attempt to fix himself let alone our marriage. He does not have it in him. He is too proud of a man to take this step, so in return we will be divorced next Tuesday. At this point, I believe he shows remorse towards me only to appease his own conscience. He does not care how much pain he causes me. He continues to put OW first and I will not compete with her any longer. If she is great enough to have a 10 month long affair while he is still married to me, he can be with her. Don't get me wrong, I still love him, but honestly, he was never a very good husband. We didn't have a very healthy relationship...I was always putting in more. He had two affairs in during our 5 year marriage and after this one spun so out of control, I just cannot do this. Because of my vows, I was willing to try to make my marriage work, but he never gave me the chance. It really is his loss. I am a great person. I really did all I could, so for my own well-being, I am moving on to better things.
