Again detachment is part of fusing and enmeshment and NOT part of differentiation. if you are differentiated, you don't have to detach.
That is not my understanding of detachment. Detachment is part of breaking the over-bonding of enmeshment. It is also a necessary step to reach differentiation. Enmeshment is too much emotional bonding between people, where person A believes s/he is responsible for the emotions of person B, and therefore believes that person B should feel and act as person A would. When Person B does not do this, person A internalizes the frustration, anger, shame, whatever, and reacts toward person B because B is not “acting” or “feeling” right. That is enmeshment.
Detachment is person A learning to not assume responsibility for person B’s feelings. That means person A must restrain him/herself to not react to person B’s “incorrect” feelings or behavior. However person A still feels the pain of person B because person A is still not differentiated. Person A is still enmeshed emotionally with person B, its just that person A has learned to control it.
It is true that if you are differentiated that you don’t have to detach, because as I see it, detachment is a precondition for differentiation. I see the scale as follows: enmeshment, then detachment, then differentiation. This corresponds to higher and higher possible levels of connection, consistent with what you and Burgbud are saying.
I think my original idea has gotten lost in these recent posts. My idea was how that above scale fits in with the idea of interdependence. I see this as a fourth, higher state beyond differentiation. That means emotional connection should be even closer that what is achieved through differentiation. But if differentiation is a state of two completely separate people, fully cognizant and respecting of each other’s boundaries, with each person completely confident and self assured, how can more intimacy be made? If the two people have the perfect distance between them and the boundary is crystal clear, how can that line get more clear or the perfect distance adjusted?
This is where I wonder if the circle comes back around and all the benefits and attributes of a perfectly differentiated couple allow the two people to re-enmesh, but in a perfectly healthy way. If all the negatives of a relationship are no longer present because of the “perfection” of differentiation, then why can’t two people re-enmesh at a higher level? If this is the case, is there actually something gained by re-enmeshing at this higher level, a level more connected than differentiation? If this is true, then is the clear boundary and the perfect distance of differentiation actually a barrier that is overcome by the even higher perfection of interdependence?
We’re almost there…. Assuming you buy all this so far, is there a way to leap over to interdependence directly from enmeshment by altering certain things, most notably the negative enmeshment factors? Could we throw in some detachment, some compassion, some mutual respect, some firm boundaries, and a mutual agreement on cooperation to reach this nirvana? Even though the end relationship would be symbiotic, all such relationships endure because they meet the individual and selfish needs of each participant. Nature has plenty of examples of this. Why couldn’t this be a model for relationships? Could it help some of those whose marriages are stuck and just can’t seem to get moving no matter what?
