When S4 returns to preschool in a few weeks I'll have 3 mornings to myself, so I'm trying to formulate a plan for incorporating exercise into my day.
I think that is an excellent idea. Its ok to be a little selfish and take care of yourself at times!
We actually have a treadmill in the house, so it's just a matter of doing it. I also happened to talk to an acquaintance today about exercise and she told me about Curves.
I recommend going to Curves, or any other gym where you will be comfortable. It is hard enough to force yourself to go to the gym on a regular basis and even harder to workout on your own at home. It does take personal discipline and with kids, there are so many other higher priorities. Make as many workout buddies as you can at Curves and find someone who will hound you to show up. That will take care of the discipline problem. A circle of regular friend will make the time more fun, which will address some of the motivation problem. You might find going to the gym becomes the highlight of your day.
What I sense is that you are becoming dissatisfied with the lack of affection that comes from always dodging CAC, of having the "freedom" to always get up and leave a situation once it becomes uncomfortable (even if it is due to hypersensitivity). The safety of being elusive turns out to be not so safe. But to truly become safe, you may have to do the opposite of what you've been doing and stand still long enough to know yourself, become acclimated to your senses and whatever irritates you, and then let CAC truly know you, which will make you vulnerable.
OK, I was trying to be PC and sugar coat this….but maybe you’ve already answered my questions. What I was wondering was not whether you felt you deserve to be happy, because I think you do believe you should be happy, but whether you know what it feels like to have that happiness, attention and comfort from CAC that you say you want.
For instance, my wife makes all sorts of claims about what she wants from me, but I find that so many times when she is close to getting it, she finds a way to sabotage it or deflect the moment somehow. Knowing that you want intimacy and having the ability to accept it and stay in that intimate moment are two different things.
I’m not saying you do this, but one method is to create some side distraction that can escalate into an argument and thus cut short a moment that was becoming too intimate. To save face, the avoider can use the excuse that the other person, the pursuer, reacted to the avoider’s deflection and it was really the pursuer’s fault that the moment collapsed. The avoider actually finds sufficient soothing in the pursuit, and too much intimacy when s/he is caught and things get close. So staying elusive is the safe zone.
What I was wondering is whether your hypersensitivity has unconsciously developed into a convenient distraction for you. When things become uncomfortable (too intimate), I bet your sensitivity heightens and all you can think about is that itchy shirt or the room being too hot or CAC smelling too much. I was wondering if such a fallback hypersensitivity actually gives you a backdoor way of escape from getting too close.
I know you WANT to be close but can you actually ENDURE being close. Like Corri has mentioned a few times, think about how it will feel to get what you want. If you’ve never really had it, it might feel uncomfortable when you do get it and not like what you imagined.
That’s all I was getting at… just a guess on my part.
