Thanks for your help. We've been married 11 years, no kids. Been together for 17. I'm 40, she's 39.
Your point about not being sure about whether I've changed strikes me as important. I've signaled a "new" more romantic side in some gifts I've given her for her birthday and our anniversary (both in July). For the birthday I took a bunch of old photos and put them in a book with a statement of "I love your ..." and filled in the rest to tie in with the photo. I made it about her, not us. She seemed to like it--sent an email saying she could tell I had put a lot of love in it and would treasure it. Most emotionally expressive thing I've gotten from her all summer. I should have been making books years ago! But I can't change the past; can only work on myself now and try to show her some things. I see now the book went against DB advice, but it seemed to work.
For the anniversary I found 11 items I thought she would like--simple things like two pieces of dark chocolate, a CD by one of her favorite artists, two books I thought she would like, and put each of the 11 gifts with a poem (nothing too sappy or overly romantic, though a couple dealt with love). She seemed to like that too. (Note: I hadn't read DB or DR at that point). I have not done any grand gestures since these two occasions,and I won't--no pressure or signs of desperation. I'm not desperate, and have managed to avoid many of the behaviors that the experts seem to agree only make things worse. I wanted to show her a different side of me, having never done anything like these things before. Frankly, it felt good to do for myself too. Even if we don't make it, these two activities signaled to myself the type of person I want to be going forward. In the end, only she can decide whether she wants to give the marriage another shot. I can't control her. I can only work on myself--be the person I really want to be; act "as if."
