I feel that I have broken the codependency. I don't need him in my life to find happiness, but I do still want him very much. I think that there is the potential to build a wonderful, interdependent R/M with him after all we've been through.
Donna, This is sell said, but incomplete. I get the feeling that you need this separation more than he does. I think that a year from now, if you keep to the DB principles, your self-confidence will be sky high. You will have had the chance to really find out who you are and what you want out of life. To define yourself independently from your H or any other person, just Donna.
I also think that a year from now your H will be out of the relationship with CW and just beginning to assess the real causes of his unhappiness. He will find you very attractive and will be ridden with guilt and a profound sense of opportunity lost.
If you are still available at this time, you will have a decision to make. That is a long way off and there is a journey that you need to go on before you will be ready for that decision. Embrace the challenges that life has placed before you. They are put their to make you into the person that you can and will become. (this is for me too!)
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Or not and you will be better off without him. I just feel like sometimes we are just getting rid of bad men. Sorry if that goes against the DB principles but he is not seeing you anymore. He is only seeing himself. No matter how pretty your grass is he is not seeing you at the moment. Most likely, according to Glass on Smart Marriages , he will look back and regret breaking up the marriage. But the time when that remorse comes, the LBS has often moved on. I am now beginning the process of moving on without my H and it is not such a bad place and I am sure it will be empowering and much more attractive to him and any other person. I feel it will draw an even better person into my life. I do not know what the statistics are on upgrading but maybe we should not look at it that way.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Or not and you will be better off without him. I just feel like sometimes we are just getting rid of bad men. Sorry if that goes against the DB principles but he is not seeing you anymore. He is only seeing himself. No matter how pretty your grass is he is not seeing you at the moment. Most likely, according to Glass on Smart Marriages , he will look back and regret breaking up the marriage. But the time when that remorse comes, the LBS has often moved on. I am now beginning the process of moving on without my H and it is not such a bad place and I am sure it will be empowering and much more attractive to him and any other person. I feel it will draw an even better person into my life. I do not know what the statistics are on upgrading but maybe we should not look at it that way.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Or not and you will be better off without him. I just feel like sometimes we are just getting rid of bad men. Sorry if that goes against the DB principles but he is not seeing you anymore. He is only seeing himself. No matter how pretty your grass is he is not seeing you at the moment. Most likely, according to Glass on Smart Marriages , he will look back and regret breaking up the marriage. But the time when that remorse comes, the LBS has often moved on. I am now beginning the process of moving on without my H and it is not such a bad place and I am sure it will be empowering and much more attractive to him and any other person. I feel it will draw an even better person into my life. I do not know what the statistics are on upgrading but maybe we should not look at it that way.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Please, do not take what I say as a message to stop DBing! I will also continue DBing but you have to move forward when you are ready. I am ready are you? It is a roller coaster still but I am sitting up front for the view instead of hiding my eyes in denial.
Last edited by mkultra; 08/22/0703:43 AM.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Oh, I don't think you WANT to be devastated. And, I think you are really doing great these days. It is VERY clear that you are making great progress. Still, I think the cycling back toward the swirl of devastation is doing something for you. Otherwise, it is hard to explain you repeating behaviors that take you back there.
And I think maybe you are getting at what the problem is. In your mind:
"not being devastated" = "setting H free"
"setting H free" = "endorsing his choices"
Maybe the first thing is true. But, surely the second one is not. Rather:
"setting H free" = "not trying to control his choices"
BTW, I hate to tell you, but I very strongly support H's cliché: If you love something, set it free. Certainly the best love is freely chosen. More strongly, I doubt that real, rich, intimate, non-codependent love between romantic partners can exist without it being freely chosen by both partners.
