So how do you get past the holding back, because I see this as a common problem?
Lou, My H had this as well (as you said it's very common)...what Heywyre's H just did...telling her (finally) and saying "I guess I should have told you that", is a step to getting past it. In my sitch with my H it's taken baby steps like this...where he'd finally say something, that yes...should have been said long ago, but he finally verbalized it nonetheless....and I made it safe for him to do so. I didn't chastize him by saying "Why didn't you tell me that before?!", I would just respond with something along the lines of "yes, that's exactly the type of thing I need for you to tell me. That's exactly the type of information that is helps me understand better...thanks for telling me."
I found with my H when I would take this approach...he would open up to me quicker. Not fast by any means as far as how quickly I would say something...but much faster than he had done in the past. Each time he would speak his mind quicker and in a less confrontational way.
So I guess my view on getting past this is....baby steps, encouragement, and validation of the effort when it happens.
I didn't chastize him by saying "Why didn't you tell me that before?!", This is what happens or BB will counter with something just as bad. I am happy to hear your situation is different.
I would just respond with something along the lines of "yes, that's exactly the type of thing I need for you to tell me. That's exactly the type of information that is helps me understand better...thanks for telling me." Now that is what I like to hear.
So I guess my view on getting past this is....baby steps, encouragement, and validation of the effort when it happens. Yup, baby steps to build trust. GEL ^5 for getting the job done.
The good news is H has made an appointment with the new T but it isn't until Sep 21st (she is away for 3 weeks). There are other associates in her office but she is the only one that does that type of therapy. However, he seems confident of her abilities, which is a BIG thing right there.
Bad news is, we have run into some more road blocks, secrecy and deception but nothing I haven't dealt with before and I am willing to put it to one side until he at least goes to see the new T.
In the meantime we will have a visitor staying with us from tonight through to Sunday and then (hopefully) my brother will be released from hospital on Sunday and coming to live with us for a while. So it will be difficult, to say the least, to get any "alone" time to talk about things. Maybe this is a good thing, to have a break from it all
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Yes, I am "making a move" and it might not necessarily be in the direction my H would like but that's too bad because he has had more than enough "chances" to redeem himself.
I really don't want to get into details right now but you might want to say I have come to the end of the rope and it's fraying
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Say some prayers for me, guys, going on my trip on Thursday to see H in Korea. I'm very nervous. Pray that the weather is ok and I don't get stuck in Dallas or anything. Once I get on the plane from Dallas, I go straight to Seoul, 14 hours, but I'm not going to be able to relax until that plane takes off.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Frayed rope? I think I have seen some of that, as many of the SSM forum posters have. Letting go of the rope is an option. BTDT and currently doing that myself right now.
I don't know if a ((((HW))), a hand shake, a pat on the back, or a ^5 is appropriate right now, so here are all of those thoughts/gestures, “Swiss Army Knife” style.
Thanks guys, I am doing the best I can at the moment. Just taking it one day at a time
Told H yesterday, very calmly I might add, that I thought it best we go our separate ways. It is a little difficult right now because my brother has just come to stay with us but I told H that we needed to be as civil about this as possible for the next little while and not make any rash decisions regarding the house etc. and to try and contain our "talks" to when he is not around. It is going to be VERY hard but I meant what I said, and he knew it, and unless I see a completely reformed man in that time frame, I truly do believe it is for the best
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
It is going to be REALLY tough. Since we just moved here last year, I don't have any close friends (other than my brother who is NOT stable right now so I definitely can't lean on him for anything)
I don't want to think too far into the future so for the time being I am just trying to get through today
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I think I have seen some of that, as many of the SSM forum posters have. Letting go of the rope is an option. BTDT and currently doing that myself right now.