What is your fear about what it says about YOU if you let go of being devastated?
I don't WANT to be devestated! I don't think I am, at least quite as badly, as before. But I am very sad, about the whole thing. I literally feel like a cannon ball has exploded through my chest (although not as recently as I felt it before), and there is a gaping hole there. Not as raw, but still something missing.
It is H and the possibility of reconcilliation that I am having a very hard time letting go of. I can accept that it is happening, but it is still sad and makes me cry (not hysterical). I can not agree or condone it, though, which is what he ultimately wants--he doesn't want to feel the guilt. He threw this quote at me after court--If you love something, set it free. Yeah, well, I can do that if forced, but I am not going to jump for joy over it. He says that he needs the closure, that the R and his heart is just too damaged...he can't see a future with us (or much of any future at all, anymore, he has said). I still can. But I have to start painting a picture of an alternate future. I have to make it seem real, and forsee the happiness there that will be for me and the kids. I believe that there are many possible paths that our journey could take, and I have to start seeing more than the one I most hoped for.
One of the things that really hit home for me that he said:
I am asking him to break his heart all over again. Do I not think that he really is in love with this woman?
The thought of that puts me in a much more difficult place...I don't want him to hurt, I want him to be happy. But I also feel so deeply for my kids, for the family and his parents, and also myself. There is still more heartbreak ahead; now, the question is only, whose will it be?
I don't feel that I need to be the victim...I have moments of brute strength, and other moments of quiet strength. And sometimes, I just get bashed around. But nothing like the despair of the recent past. I feel that I have broken the codependency. I don't need him in my life to find happiness, but I do still want him very much. I think that there is the potential to build a wonderful, interdependent R/M with him after all we've been through.
But the transition person he is with will continue the codependency, only this time, she will be the provider of all and do everything for him. Her sole purpose of being alive will be to fulfil his every need with no other considerations. Maybe that is what he wants, after all, rather than an equal.
Well, I am off to bed. Back-to-school shopping was fun (always one of my favorite times of the year). Night, all.
