Put yourself back into a committed relationship and some of the old enmeshment will start to come back

I have been in a committed relationship. Now we are not married yet so maybe that's what you mean?

I have always been fairly well differentiated (of course it is relative and it is always about becoming more in touch with yourself). I haven't sought out relationships to "make" me feel better about myself.

But because you are human you WILL feel a connection to your future partner, your WILL become vulnerable and you WILL get hurt. Then you WILL put up defenses. What level of differentiation will you settle on then?

I'm not sure what your point is here. I have already stated that differentiation allows for connections and which then allows for loss and pain. Not sure that putting defenses up is a natural recourse. I think it was my differentiation that helped me through my separation and divorce. I was incredibly sad during that time. I used to "joke" that the truck drivers probably knew me as the "crying lady" on Interstate 71. Yet even with that incredible pain I still liked myself and was able to move forward in my life without bitterness, regret, hatefulness, etc. I was still able to be open to meeting and welcoming people into my life. So what level of differentiation is that??

Yes, to an extent I do see it as uncaring or unfeeling. By definition it HAS to be lass caring or feeling than enmeshment.

No actually by definition differentiation is MORE caring and feeling than enmeshment!! That's because we are not USING the other person for our sense of identity, etc. instead we are caring and feeling for a person because we love them and not to "use" them.

Detachment is the blocking of too much emotional attachment, especially the destructive kind.

Again detachment is part of fusing and enmeshment and NOT part of differentiation. if you are differentiated, you don't have to detach.

I am not arguing that these negative emotions should be limited because they can make a person feel even less cared for, but my original premise was that enmeshment per se is not bad.

Here's a definition of enmeshment I found at http://www.soulselfhelp.on.ca/coenmesh.html

"We're enmeshed when we use an individual for our identity, sense of value, worth, well-being, safety, purpose, and security. Instead of two people present, we become one identity. More simply, enmeshment is present when our sense of wholeness comes from another person... Enmeshment doesn't allow for individuality, wholeness, personal empowerment, healthy relationships with ourselves or others, and, most importantly, a relationship with our Higher Power."

This does not sound like a healthy state for people.



But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus