thanks, all. yeah, jack, you are right. that is exactly what he wants right now. I do think there is a part of him that is confused...or maybe it just comes down to the fact that he loves him self so much, he can't quite come to terms with the reality of what he's done...its hard to come to terms that you are a great guy (in his mind) and also that you abandoned your wife/children. by keeping me hanging on/making nothing permanent, it must allow part of him to feel like all is not said and done. truthfully, he has been decent in a lot of ways (namely money, but also with the kids).
I have thought long and hard about answering that e-mail, and i think I've decided not to. there isn't really a question there that hasn't been addressed already. I could ask him the things my3sons suggests, but honestly, I have already asked all of them. he doesn't know the answers...mostly because he doesn't do any internal work with his therapy, he's too busy blaming other people still.
I need to just remember, he is the puppetmaster (as many of you have pointed out, he is really good at turning things back on me/assigning blame/taking responsibility off of his shoulders).
agent99, to answer your question about him being confused before I said I was done, no, I think he truly feels like he was confused prior to me saying that. he has never left the state of confusion. the thing is, me saying I am done compells him to action...it stops him from assuming all is fine with how things are going. does that make sense? really, he just refuses to verbalize his choices, he refuses to admit he has made them, even though it is obvious to me and to everyone that he has made them. what I need to work on is reading the writing on the wall, listen to what he is saying/see what he is doing, not grasp at the straws he throws at me.
when the bomb first hit and I started therapy, my therapist (or was it deb, can't remember) made a good point. H loves to dangle carrots at me...and I love to try to grab them, to believe that I will really get them someday, that I have a chance. but, as my therapist (or friend) pointed out, he isn't even dangling real carrots, just sh#t wrapped in orange.
I need to stop grasping. I need to move on, GAL, respect myself again. I need to stop acting like a doormat.
I will be friendly, but distant to him. my telling him why I need that distance is probably a good thing, at least it feels like it is. I am not a game player, never have been, and sometimes with all of this I feel like I am playing too much of a game. I don't have to lay everything out on the table, but at the same time, letting him know that I need to distance myself and the reason why is an honest place to be. I can GAL, I can do my 180s, I can learn to like myself again. if he decides that distance isn't what he wants, well, he's going to have to step up in order to end it.
guessing he won't, but hey, the fat lady isn't even warmed up yet.
eta, wilmasoon, just saw your post and omg, you had me laugh at the evil comment. not sure if you are familiar with my threads, but I swear my h blames me for everything....everything wrong with the world, I swear, is my doing. global warmning? yep, me. national debt? me again! and yeah, he does firmly believe it. if I told you how our first couple of mc went you wouldn't believe me. in fact, looking back, I kind of wish I had them on video.
Last edited by morgan; 08/21/0710:12 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
now for the rest of my day, it was good. taught my eldest to ride a 2 wheeler without his training wheels. lets just say, I didn't make it to the gym today, but oh my, what a workout. lol. he did GREAT though. is all excited to show daddy tomorrow. daddy, on the other hand, sounded surprised and wistful when he called. just another one of those things he has missed out on.
h and I were pleasant with each other, talked kid-stuff and such, but kept it to that. it was nice, actually.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
2 wheeler!!??? Big boy!!!!! My 5 yr old won't even discuss it. lol I bought her a new bike because she was too tall for her old one and she said "I don't want it unless it has 4 wheels". lol
morgan, its very promising that H emails, and responds to yours. That's great. I would sit on that email and if he asks, say that what you want has never changed, but what he wants has (being with OW instead of you) and you are learning to live with that.
Morgan, Have you heard of Plan B on Marraige Builders ? I think it is the same as Going Dark. I have been on Day Two of Plan B. It is risky but empowering. The site warns that is harder for the LBS than the WS. I will not even initiate any email contact. Maybe you should not email either. The only contact should be kept at a pure minimum and only business. This is hard because I love bragging about the kids with him as he is the only other human who loves them as much as me, but his loss, mine too, theirs too. Boo hoo. Let's just say that today is the first day of the rest of our lives!
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
he isn't even dangling real carrots, just sh#t wrapped in orange.
LMAO! I am going to write that in calligraphy and frame it. Post it on my mirror. I love it!
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
lwb, yeah, I'm pretty impressed. he went all the way down our street, over 100 revolutions, without me holding onto the seat. I had to run my ass off to keep up with him, too. lol. he was sooo proud of himself. he's normally pretty cautious with stuff like this, and definitely wasn't too sure, but I had told him his friend, ana, got her training wheels off and I think he was determined to do the same. funny, when I told H about it, he told me that he had just asked S5 that morning if he wanted him to take the training wheels off and s5 had said no, definitely not. so either he was more comfortable with me doing it, or maybe he had just had time to be okay with it. either way, yay! he's a little big for the bike, too, but he won't get a new one until his birthday in feb.
as for the e-mail, yeah, I ended up sitting on it. honestly, I just don't have anything to say that hasn't already been said. just trying to stay grounded and remember how little it actually means. I do have this tendency to see what I want to see, not what actually is.
mk, that's pretty much what I'm doing. and yeah, its hard, but in a way, its harder to keep on being friends with someone who I don't want to be friends with...I want something more. so keeping things to kids/business, and having him initiate for the most part, is what I'm going to do. I only say for the most part, btw, because I do call when he has the kids...to talk to the kids. today I did initiate the e-mail, but rarely do otherwise. I just needed to get it out, and I'm still glad I did.
who knows what the future will bring. for all I know, I will end up divorced, but happier than I ever expected to be, in ways I never expected. or maybe, thru some miracle, he really gets what he is losing, and we find a way to reconcile, and end up having a marriage that is better and stronger than we ever had before. I like both of those options...although I still lean toward the latter.
what I don't want is for me to end up divorced and miserable, or for us to reconcile, but never really get past our issues, and never have a good relationship again. those two things are scary as hell to me. really scary. so I need to work on making sure that no matter what happens, I am happy and fulfilled. its all I can do.
yep, the first day of the rest of our lives...may they be long and happy ones!
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
