I don’t mean to pick on Mojo, but I see her doubting a lot of the positives she is now getting from her NG as a way to protect herself in case he also throws out some negative feedback.
I don't think she's doubting; I think she's possessing herself. If she depends on his positive feedback then she's susceptible to his negative feedback (or even a mere lack of positive feedback) and eventually, she's going to get some of that, directly or indirectly. We'd have to ask her but I suspect the more differentiated she becomes, the more she's able to enjoy her activities with NG for what they *are* and not for what they might *mean*. Again, that allows for deeper levels of connection.
Here's the thing. What's important to me is that I am happy. If it made me happy to obsess over what NG's behavior might "mean" then I would go ahead and do it. However, it does not make me happy so I don't. The way I don't do this is I choose to concern myself with my own matters/behavior/preferences etc. and I assume that he will do the same. If they overlap and we both find ourselves wanting to bike ride, eat Thai and f*ck like bunnies with each other on a Friday night then that is excellent! If not, then we are both still going to be happy because we are both still acting in alignment with our preferences to the extent that we are capable. I think it is appropriate to feel disappointed if others preferences aren't in alignment with ours in a way we might have desired but it is fused to feel hurt.
The other night NG made the most perfect erotic gesture towards me. If I tried to assign "meaning" to that gesture it would ruin it for me. I just want to be happy to be living my life in a world in which perfect erotic gestures exist. Perfect erotic gestures don't need to have meaning assigned to them any more than blue moons or solar eclipses.
However, I was having second thoughts about the whole MB without fantasy thing. I think it might not be a very differentiated thing for me to do and the reason why I think it might not be very differentiated is that I can pretty much always get a sex partner. I shall offer an over-the-top scenario. Let's say I was contemplating MB at the beach on Friday night. Why would I choose to do this rather than going to an appropriate site on the internet and posting a blurb that said "Reasonably attractive female seeks reasonably attractive and intelligent man to meet her at beach on Friday night and engage in sexual acts X, Y and Z." If I just want the sexual sensations and don't care about validation why wouldn't I prefer that scenario since I can definitely come up with some better sensations X,Y and Z given a willing male partner than I can using some electronic gadget (For example, I've yet to find a vibrator that can pin me down and if I subtract whatever sort of primitive validation I might get from being pinned down, I still like the muscular tension.) So whether or not choosing to MB is a non-validation-seeking activity for me isn't clear. It might be a form of avoidant fusion along the lines of "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." 'cause sometimes this fish WANTS a bicycle.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
