Sex and Validation

[Burgbud]

What I am trying to propose is to not have a detachment wall in place that could limit connection with others (though it may be limiting for some people).

I think Fearless has said previously, and I quite agree, that detachment via differentiation *enhances* one's ability to connect with others. It does not impose a limit. As long as I'm looking to you for any sort of validation, I'm going to show you the parts of me I believe will lead toward getting that validation. If I possess myself (my favored term for "differentiated") then I can show you exactly who I am and we can be much more deeply connected. Though, of course, you could always choose not to connect with me. That's a consistent impression I get from your posts, Cobra. You want to hold out for the possibility of having some type of leverage with which to influence the other person to want to connect with you. You seem very resistant to the idea of simply being and letting the other person come to entirely their own decision on whether they connect with you or not.

I also think the idea of taking in positive validation while rejecting negative validation is just as much a "detachment wall" as self-validation.

I don’t mean to pick on Mojo, but I see her doubting a lot of the positives she is now getting from her NG as a way to protect herself in case he also throws out some negative feedback.

I don't think she's doubting; I think she's possessing herself. If she depends on his positive feedback then she's susceptible to his negative feedback (or even a mere lack of positive feedback) and eventually, she's going to get some of that, directly or indirectly. We'd have to ask her but I suspect the more differentiated she becomes, the more she's able to enjoy her activities with NG for what they *are* and not for what they might *mean*. Again, that allows for deeper levels of connection.

Everyone wants connection.

No one's debating that. We're debating the most productive means to that end.

Denying a healthy need for validation can take a lot of the spark out of a relationship I think.

Because you want to see that dependence as a form of caring and connection. That's understandable but I don't believe that's what it is. I really don't think there's such a thing as "a healthy need for validation," unless you're talking about self-validation.

You seem to view differentiation as "uncaring" or "unfeeling". I see it as completely the opposite.

All the reading and learning I've done has led me to the conclusion that we can never truly *know* another person, nor can we truly be known by another person. Attempting the feat is a path to frustration and resentment. The notion of "two become one" is unhealthy and impossible. What is possible is to know ourselves, continue learning about ourselves and share what we know with someone else. We can also share in their knowledge of themself but it always comes back to "hold on loosely," or as Khalil Gibran says:

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

I see this theme over and over. When I notice the other theme, "two become one," I see bad consequences. YMMV.

We are human. We all want some level of validation.

To the extent we embrace validation from others, we are who they tell us we are. The more we're able to get that validation from within (or from God, if we're so inclined) the more we're able to possess ourselves, understand our humanity and share it with whomever we choose.

This is the common theme of Schnarch, Deida, Eldredge and Glover. Are they all barking up the wrong tree?