Hi Klm, I am here and will email you tomorrow. You are doing very well. Do not give up, you are so early in this process and I would tell your therapist that you want to work on this on your side. The pattern of getting what they want and being nice or cooperative is so familar. And then breaking the rules or forget what they agreed to.... so familar. All I can say is try not to let him control you, don't change things like lunch time to please him, he knew the time you go. You can do this.
On my side we went to the courthouse self help center and filed jointly today. This was hard, the hardest thing but he was so angry and telling me this was all my fault that I really started to see that this might be the best thing for me is to get out of this. After all this and the therapy we went to, he still claims this is all because I have not worked and did not keep up the house. Too much. This is like groundhog day movie, back to where we were 4 years ago. I was emotional, and I did do some backpedaling as I sat outside the courthouse and told him that I really did not want to divorce and was he sure and was there any chance we could work this out. No, its all my fault and he is so angry, unbelievable really he is so mad. The reason we filed jointly is the therapist wants me to keep him away from the attorney as he is giving me a lot of our assets and he still thinks there is a chance in the 120 wait period he may want to come back. For the very first time I also see that this may be my decision, I may not want him back. Therapist has always told me that. He has always said that my H may never go through with it. But I can't live like this for the rest of my life, him withdrawing and controling me with that emotional abuse. I have put every bit of myself trying to get this to work. May be enough. I am ok, I had my crying. There is some relief in this, finally the other shoe dropped. Don't let my situation discourage anyone else. This is his 3rd move out, I have a wonderful solution based cognitive therapist I have seen every week for almost 4 years and been reading but not posting on this board for the same amount of time. You do not want them back in the state they are in, time and not giving up is always on all DBs side. If they come back before they are ready you will just do this all over again. AND believe me the pain after is almost worse.
Hi Terey, I have wondered where you were. I was hoping you were ok. I know we are early in the process, but it just seems like everything is moving so fast. He moved out a week after I found out something was wrong, and three weeks after that he tells me he is 100% sure he wants a divorce.
I am doing better than I was a couple of days ago. I finally told my best friend what was going on. I am not sure why it was so hard to tell her. It was almost liberating though, like that weight was lifted. She was very supportive, shocked but supportive. She wants me to come visit her, even said she would go half on the ticket. I want to and I think it would be good for me, but I am not sure I can spare anymore vacation at work since I just got back. I am also going "home" again at the beginning of October because I have to be in a wedding (the LAST thing I want to do right now).
I am sorry for everything you are going through right now. I am not sure what to say. I know that you will be ok, we will all be ok...it just hurts so bad. Don't get down about being emotional, it is an emotional thing. Keep working on yourself and making yourself happy. Hang in there.
Klm, I am so glad you are back and being in a wedding is the worst right now. Money wise too! There was a wedding party coming through the security when we were leaving the courthouse and I almost lost it again... I can't even watch romance movies still!
Glad you told your friend. You might not have told because this seems like a failure thing. Believe me, after 3 times of this for me you find out who your friends are... Maybe a rain check for later date when you will be looking for support and a change to go visit. We need things to look forward to. How did it go with your family? Sometimes in the begining it seems like you are going thru the motions when everyone is enjoying themselves.
Do not give up. On the plus side it is so early. That 100% talk is testing the waters. I swear they have to practice saying it out loud. I also noticed that your H is almost 30, which although I never take much about the age thing he may be in that mid life stuff too, 30 is a big milestone for some guys. What does the T say about the service thing that he returned from? Does that have anything to do with it? I also will tell you from my vast years of experience ( smile) that they want to make you the bad person by setting us up to say no or challenging the things they want to do. Like the financial side. They see us as the ones that are holding them back from doing what they want or being happy. They have no good memories, everything was bad. Which is nuts. Things are not going to happen that fast. Just be pleasant and try not to get angry arround him. Do as I say, not as I do....
My H did not look that good...which I should not take pleasure in but helped me as I know he is not that happy in his 2 room apt. He showed up in a pair of old jeans and a washed out summer shirt. He is a professional and 28 years with me he dresses well and has always looked a lot younger than he is. This is not him, he worrys about how he dresses. More proof he is not socially doing well which T tells me has been my forte with him all these years, I know what to do and what to wear! He looked bad. His eyebrows looked like Andy Rooneys! I know he just had a haircut ( out here in suburbs, 50 miles round trip on Wed night, can't give up his hair d and salon) and I used to say to him, have her trim those brows! He has aged and looked gray!I joked with a girlfriend and said I know there is no other woman for sure as she would have said trim those things! I try not to go there, but everyone tells me that is not him with the Ow. He did have tears in his eyes at one point at courthouse and despite all his anger I think there is still that one little bit I hang on to he may want to come back. I have to leave him alone now and let him see that this is what it is going to be like with out me. That is so hard as I like to have contact, good or bad. I have to hang on to that a little bit but prepare for it may happen. I will not be one of the ones that hold out hope after a divorce. We are to meet with a cooperative divorce lawyer on Aug 27th. I am getting my own attorney, I just am not going to tell him.
I may be nuts, but have not given up yet. I just have realized that I don't want him back if we are going to keep doing this. I will email you about my "dates" with the businessman 17 years older than me. He is pursuing me. I am not going to get involved with anyone, but as my friend said, there are like 10 guys at the health club who are just giving you space and waiting for you to decide about your marriage. I have enough going on. And I am hurting. Fear about the future, getting a job, can I keep the house, can I get health insurance, can I afford anything! Sigh...120 days is an eternity when you are just sitting, a panic after the filing. He has accused me of stalling, I hope to stall some more....
Yeah, I think the reason I didn't tell her was because it did seem like a failure. It sounds weird, but it was almost like I needed her "approval". All of my friends have been great. All of our mutual friends are in shock that this is even going on. Everything went great with my family. I have an amazing family and they are very understanding and supportive. That's why I was looking forward to going home so much.
I swear I do think he is going through the midlife thing. I know he is young, but he will be 30 in September. He has had a hard time with that with each passing year. Plus there is the fact that he is getting out of the AF in January and he has no clue what he is going to do with his life. Everything that I have read about MLC is right on with the things he is saying to me. As far as returning from Iraq, T thinks that he saw and went through a lot of stuff that he hasn't dealt with. She does think that has something to do with it. I am TRYING really hard with the anger thing. The funny thing is is that I have NEVER been an angry person. I didn't know I was capable of getting so mad and feeling so angry, not a good feeling.
I know what you mean about taking pleasure in him looking bad. I have seen H a couple of times not looking very good and I took pleasure in it. My H is very good looking, he's tall, slim, muscular, very good dresser...you better believe I took pleasure in it. Tears are good, it shows that he has some feeling. My H is a very emotional person but I haven't seen one tear and it is so strange. I understand wanting contact, good or bad.
Yes, send me an email, I would love to hear it. I have also been accused of "stalling" and "grasping". I know 120 days will seem like forever. Hang in there, it sounds like you have a lot of good people around you to help you through this.
Well, we had an argument about the savings account this weekend. It was all through email. He couldn't even bother to call me to ask me about it. He sent me an email and then a text to check my email. He doesn't know how to get into the savings account and he wanted me to tell him how. If he could, he would spend every penny so I am not telling him.
I was wondering if I should call him and ask him to help with the yardwork. The thing is, I don't really mind mowing the yard...but it is the point. He has absolutely no responsibilities right now. I am taking care of the house, the yard, the dog, the bills and it doesn't seem fair. Of course he would enjoy the life without me with no responsibilities, but that isn't real life. I am just not sure how to make him take anything on. If he says no, it still has to be done...so there I am doing everything again. Does anybody have suggesstions on this?
Klm, Sometimes the email communication works and sometimes it does not. I tend to spend a long time composing these emails to H as sometimes that is the only way to get thru to their brains, which are not functioning. He may have wanted to argue, it is a way of comunicating and he wants that money. I swear if they want to get into it and argue they will.
You may want to take all the money out and put it in an account in your name only, if he can go to the bank and get it out with a withdrawal slip. I should have listened to advice and had more money put aside. I actually have a lot of it in cash in the house which is risky, but now when I have to fill out a financial disclosure legal document there is no paper trail or accounts or safe deposit box. I do not think it will get to that with you but you may want to "hide" some money. Not that you or I probably have a lot to hide at this point. Take the money, he will be angry, but he is angry now and you might as well benefit by gaining the money and control.
I will tell you that I feel the same way about the yard work and house stuff. I am overwhelmed at this point. Mine is just going to work and ocd cleaning his apt and watching that 42in plasma he paid 1900.00 for when he moved. In the first and second time he moved out, that is how we stayed connected by him coming here to do things. With no children, and just the dog we had no exchange that way like some couples do. Of course the other times he came back when he moved he was in a different head space, he would find excuses to come out here. This time I may have made a mistake that I told him I would cut the lawn as he made some snide remarks about lots of women take care of house all by themselves, of course these are houses that are not falling apart and have tiny yards with no trees! I was trying to show him that I was independent and it may have backfired. He told me that when he came back the other times it is because I was so "nice" and he saw something in my eyes. If you can get him to share some of the work at the house I would approach him by telling him that you will both benefit from the joint sale of the house and he need to step up and help you out. You may tell him that you know he has always been responsible type guy ( tell him anyhow!) or appeal to him at some level without sounding needy. I also would tell him that you may not even be there all the time if he doesn't want to see you. I would not be here sometimes when he would come to yard and then come home later. I let him think I was getting a life. He came back. But look at my situation now! It may be a chance to connect with him and remind him of your home together. Funny but sad, H called our residence our home in the settlement paper....instead of legal term house or dwelling. Now that he has decided that I am keeping the house and we filed he has completely washed his hands of the whole thing. He has all his stuff and has told me to sell or get rid of his things that are left here.... Thanks. My gutters are full and he never cleaned them this spring. I tried to get him to come out and sharpen the lawnmower blades and he told me to call someone and have them pick up the rider and push. Sure, I have an extra 125.00 to do that, when he could come and take them off and use our grinder like he has. I am very worried about the fall leaves, we have to rake and burn them and it was almost more than 2 of us could do. I have no extra cash to pay anyone either. As I write this I really realize what an angry mean jerk he is. Funny thing is he would help anyone else in the world.
Maybe make a list of things that need to be done at house and ask him to do some and tell him the ones that you are doing. As he wants to sell, tell him it is in his best interest to help keep the yard nice. On my part I may have to hire someone and split the bill with him. At this point I am just trying to not get into it with him. At every turn he now trys to leverage me with if you don't do this.... the cooperative divorce is off and he is hiring an attorney and the settlement deal is off.... nice.
Well, I had called him yesterday about the yard. I went to see T yesterday afternoon and she said I should call him and be assertive. Hmmm...not so sure that was a good idea. It seemed to make him mad that I was even asking....which in turn made me mad that he didn't think it was his responsibility. I just never thought in a million years thought he would treat me like this. It's like he hates me and I just don't understand.
After that I saw an email from him...not asking me...but telling me that I needed to take a day off work to take care of the car. He has sat around and waited until the last minute...and once again I am catering to him. He is so selfish.
THEN, after that....he had sent me an email that he changed the password to the checking account and that he had taken me off of it. I would need to get my own account. I don't think you can just "take someone off" of a joint account. Well, I just changed the password back. The nerve of him. MY check direct deposits into that account, and several bills automatically come out of that account. I don't think he did what he thought he was doing though. I logged into "my own account" like he told me...and it was still just the same joint account. Should I get a lawyer?? T thinks I should talk to one, but I am not sure how much that costs.
On a brighter note...I had my phone interview this morning. It went really well. They want me to come there for a site interview. That means another trip home! YAY! Plus...they foot the bill! Yay again! They even said they could make it on a Friday so i could stay through the weekend if I wanted and spend some time with my family. I really hope that I get this. I think it is the best thing that could happen to me right now. It pays A LOT more than I am making right now, plus I could live with my mom for a while which would take the financial strain off a bit.
Yeah, I hate that they have all the power and can threaten things like that. The first time I actually showed some anger towards H, that is when he went and did the checking account thing. That makes me so mad, I feel like I am powerless in this situation.
But what about the bills that he still has? Evrything is in my name because his credit rating was so bad....house, cars, credit cards. He makes more money than me and I am afraid that he won't pay his part and I can't exactly force him to.
If his credit rating is bad, all the more reason not to trust him with your paycheck. Didn't he TELL you to get a new checking account? Then how can he be mad if you do? If you are paying all the bills, what does he need all this money for?
Maybe instead of taking out half, you should just empty it by paying every bill you can. Same thing with the savings account. Cancel all the credit cards he is using as well.
