It does seem like she is trying to control the situation. I think they forgot to teach the WAS's that you can't control other people only yourself (skipped that lesson in WAS101). The sad thing is the WAS can't even control themselves, but they insist on trying to control us. Keep hanging in there.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
Scott, I totally agree with your last statement. Maybe gently ask her "I was wondering why you felt like it would shake up D's world too much for that one day when someone familar to her would be picking her up?. I am interested in hearing your reasons, because maybe I am not thinking of everything. You are her mother and know her as well as I do". Then if she agrees to try it at school first, I would offer to make the change if anything comes up.
Scott..long time no post. I apologize as you probably know that I am trapped on the rollercoaster from hell.
Scott....there is very little for me to add here. I do agree with previous posts that, I think that you get too easily dragged into some discussions with your W that become emotionally elevated. Try and leave that behind. I have actually found a .pdf that had good advice, the Stop Your Divorce .pdf. In spite of the title, it has helped. One area that really seems to work is, as mentioned earlier, to stop defending yourself and sometimes, just agree with her. It truly DOES, at times, take the wind out of their sails. My example:
W: You know, you didn't have to remind me to kiss the kids goodbye. You are NOT the warden of my life. I love them too..just like you. M: XXX...you're totally right. I really thought that you were rushed and my words came out wrong. I should have either not said it or worded it better. You're right.
(dead silence)
I also just want to reiterate, which I know is ad nauseum, that I feel your pain with regards to your girls. My D4's love brings me to my knees and if you want to see a 6ft tall guy get all mushy and bent outta shape, just come over here and watch my D4 greet me. I know....I know...that they mean the same and all the world to you. That's what makes you such a great guy. Look at all the women on this site where their H's abandon their kids. cire2 wrote to me a simple thing...they need love...and CONSISTENCY. You're there for them Scott. You are THERE.
Scott...don't cave. Promise me you won't cave for them. Don't fail. DO NOT LET YOUR W MAKE YOU FAULTER AND BE ANYTHING LESS THAN THE ROCK. Don't ever believe for a second that this is all you or that you are a failure. Look at my sitch and you will see this even more clearly now. You really only have ONE THING (remember Jack Palance in City Slickers)...ONE....to focus on. THAT....is the equation.
Check out this book, Scott. It is helping me with the kids. Perhaps it may help with yours..simply to understand what it means.
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
lwb, Great suggestion, there might be something that is concerning my W that I am not thinking about. There is not a lot of room for argument when put this way.
I have the pdf that you mention but I have not read it. I agree that when confronted by my W I should not defend myself. Actually this afternoon she called me to give me a heads up about what her L is sending to my L. She then went into some of the details about the finances of it all. Again she brought up the house and how she should get half of the equity. Again, her L did not agree with what I proposed and what I propose will not stand up to a judge. I just told her that I will just leave it in our L's hands and not talk about it anymore. She then paused and said "Thank you for steering us away from an argument. And thanks again for what you did last night". I think I can avoid most confrontation by taking emotion out of it and not trying to hash every detail out with her.
Quote:
Scott...don't cave. Promise me you won't cave for them. Don't fail. DO NOT LET YOUR W MAKE YOU FAULTER AND BE ANYTHING LESS THAN THE ROCK.
Frank, no matter how this all shakes out in the end, I will stand strong not for myself, but for my girls. They deserve a daddy who is a rock and able to make wise decisions for them. They are awesome girls.....
Quote:
My D4's love brings me to my knees and if you want to see a 6ft tall guy get all mushy and bent outta shape, just come over here and watch my D4 greet me.
This is the same seen in my house everyday(I'm 6'1). It hurts to know this will not occur for me everyday of my life like it now does. There is something that is almost magical when our D's yell out "Daddy" and come running into our arms. Truly moments to cherish.
Looks like a good book for me to read to D5. It is a good lesson for her right now with all that is going on in her young life.
Thanks for taking time out of you hectic life to stop by my thread.
Everything has been quiet on around the house recently. My W is still moving out in less then two weeks with both of my girls. It will be lonely in this house without their laughter and play filling it up.
I met with my L on Wednesday and my L was not happy with me. I guess what it boils down to is that I am to nice. I was trying to work with my W on settling outside the L's, but by doing so I could have shot myself in the foot. My L really things I stand the chance at getting my girls 50% of the time - which is awesome. As for the money breakdown my L said there is not a whole lot that she can do, it will just follow how state law breaks it down. With that said I should do alright since my W can make good money if she choose to and that is what the law states. When CS is determined it is based off what I make and what my W could make. So I might not be paying for two households after all.
I have had my DD's the last few nights and will again tonight. We have been hanging out with friends and having fun. There have been some pretty bad storms in our area the last couple of days. Once I got home yesterday I had to clean up the yard for a good 45 minutes. Thankfully my neighbor already brought most of the stuff from my backyard over to my house, otherwise I would have been walking arpund the neighborhood looking for stuff.
I need to work again this weekend but I am hoping that I can get some golfing in this weekend.
As for the interaction between my W and I. There really has not been to much. I still get a few phone calls a day to talk about our girls or the D. She actually took my advice and is seeing all her doctors before she loses my insurance. Her new insurance is basic health so no more clean teeth for her and everything else will cost her an arm and a leg.
Little update about my friend and his sitch. He and his W are still separated. His W seems to be keep separating herself from their life together. She is separating bills, changed the kids school, etc..... My friend is still really hopeful and seems to be going down a lot of the cheese less tunnels that I went down. So all I am trying to do is support him and give him advice based off of my experience and what I have read. It is up to him what he does with it.
Just checking in to let you know us no-longer-regular-posters, are usually regular lurkers and thinking of you. Good for you on your attitude, and for the possible good news of 50% with your girls.
It may be hard but LISTEN TO YOUR LAWYER, honey; you are paying him to guard your best interests. You (we all) are conditioned to believe (hope?) that your W has your best interests in mind as well, but it's not true at present and it is NOT in your best interest to defer to her and be Nice Guy (there is a fine line, b/c frankly we have more respect for the Firm and Manly Men, yet don't be a d*ck, etc). Nice Guys get jerked around.
There are threads floating around talking about this website and book: http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/ngs.php Just thought I'd throw it out there as another possibility. Of course I may be off base.
I think also that God put your friend's sitch in your path so you can support him, and gain your own insight for how far you've come personally.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Thanks for hopping on and letting us see your presence. I to hope it is good news and I can get my girls 50% of the time. We will have to wait and see.
You are right I am paying my lawyer good money for a reason and am going to let her handle this divorce from here on out. Again, you are so right that we are conditioned to think that our S's will have our best interests and not try to screw us over. I guess that comes with being with someone for so long. I think one of the problems that my W is having right now with me is the fact that I am not always the ultra-nice push over guy that always tried to make her happy no matter the cost. Now I stand my ground and try to be civil with her and that seems to set her off.
Forexample, on Saturday I had to go into work for a few hours. I knew in the morning there might be sometime that my W and I would have to share some space so I tried to keep that to a minimum. I got my girls up in the morning(so she could sleep in), bought donuts, and then went for a run. At this point the only interaction that I had with my W was talking about the donuts(I even made sure that I bought her favorite). After I showered up, I got ready and it basically was time for me to head into work. Nope, my W had some other ideas. Before I left she asked me again about refinancing our house. I answered her and so far I was keeping her wrath away. Then she asked me about my thoughts about the proposal that her L sent to mine. I told her that it is now between our L's and its best to leave the frustration with them. Well she kept asking what my thoughts were about the proposal. I gave in and told her to come into the garage and I would go through the document with her. There is over 20 points that this proposal makes and I wasn't even able to get past point 3 before she got angry. I think her logic behind her anger is why don't I just sign the darn form to get this all over with. I won't go into the reason why I just won't sign her document, besides saying that the settlement is all about her. While my W is spewing at me I got into my car to leave, I then had it. I told her this D is her choosing and is not what I wanted for us or our children that burden is on you. I then left and as I pulled away my W picked up D2 and flipped me the bird.
An hour or so later she called and apologized for her getting angry and even acknowledged that I tried to keep it from escalating to the point that it did.
Was I being nice and cave in thinking that I could have a rational conversation with her about what state laws are and how they differ from what her L is proposing, maybe. But I did not and will not let her walk on me and my little girls. We deserve the best possible outcome for all of us(this actually includes my W).
Thanks for the link. I have not been on that website, it could be helpful. I have ready a couple of nice guy books and have found that some of the information relates to me and some does not. I guess this is all part of the process of healing.
I agree 100% with you about my friend and his sitch. I have been able to see how far I have come along by helping him deal with his emotions, fears, and disappointments. To be honest my sitch has allowed me to relate to people in ways that I never could before this occured. For that I am thankful. I do not know if I would be the same man today without enduring what I have todate.
just wanted to pop over.. your doing really well..
I hope you win for your girls 50%!!
Why is it that we decide to marry someone and be faithful and true to that person.. only to decieve?? Why do people just give up because its just too hard to try? and while there are little ones involved shouldn't we try even harder? As a mother, I wouldn't want my kids to know that I just gave up, that I tried like he!! to stay together and fought for our family. I couldn't hurt my kids and their life as a family, I don't understand even more so A mother that can do that.
Just rambling, But I wanted to tell you that there are millions of people on this earth, I have faith that if it doesn't work out with your W that you will find someone who will love you and be faithful to you, there are women out there like that, you just have to find them.
Again, be strong for your girls.
Blessings~
TAL
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
