DONNA--finding herself #14

[Reincarnated]

Thanks, Sara. I felt good after the phone call (until I read OT's warning not to give away any strategy ;0)

I was calm and sounded confident. He was immediately uncomfortable, and just kept saying We'll talk about it on Monday, getting more and more quiet. I hope it did set him back a bit. I'm glad his brother was there, since he can't rush off to commiserate with CW right away and actually has to THINK about it all by himself, at least until he drops his brother off. And he can't / won't say anything to bro--"Can you believe her? Wanting me to live up to my promises to provide stability to the kids and the finances, plus never having my girlfriend around my children?! B!itch!!" Yeah, no sympathy from him!

I'm off in a while to take the kids shopping for school, then back to clean house and pack :0)

Hope that CW's boob falls off today during surgery.

[oldtimer]

I believe an intervention would work against your interests. H is on his own journey, busy defining himself in opposition to others. I think there are very serious boundary issues between him and his parents. It is because of this that I think having one of his parents in court WITHOUT H having steeled himself for that MAY work in your favor. But, I really think that if his parents stage an intervention, he will do whatever he has to do to get out of that uncomfortable situation and then refocus on defining himself in rebellion against them.

Here is an idea. First, get your legally binding agreement in place. Second, worry about any intervention.

Best case: intervention succeeds, and H turns into magical perfect H and comes home or H turns into magical perfect XH and showers you and the family with extra support

Worst case: intervention fails, H becomes even more bitter and reactive and tries to reduce support, but it is too late as legally binding agreement in place.

Either is better than the worst case if you do the intervention first:

Worst case: intervention fails. H pushes against everything in the settlement agreement. You get not one read sent more than the state forces him to give you.

So, given you are engaged in the inappropriate conversation about ILs interfering in their son's life, ask them to back off until settlement agreement in place.

[Reincarnated]

ps--OT, I emailed him the reminder about court because I was required to notify him of making the marking. I included a line in an email about kid stuff:

"The pendente lite motion is being heard on Monday."

I printed a copy and included it for the court records that he was informed.

Oh, I did stop by the bank and open my own checking account yesterday. It cannot be accessed by him at all. I am not mentioning it to him until he notices the $500 missing from the main checking acct. After all my checks clear and I get the new debit card on Thursday, I will transfer the rest over. We can keep the joint one as the go-between.

I was too nice today and beeped him quick--when I opened the bank records today, it showed that he was overdrawn by $150. I called him to let him know, and he asked if I was still logged on--could I please transfer $500 into his account from savings to cover it? He'll pay it back, he said. Sure...
He did pay a bunch of the house bills this month from his acct, so I was ok with it. But we do have to get this completely separate in the very near future.

[Reincarnated]

Oh, another funny (not-so-much) anecdote from yesterday. CW called my bff on Monday and went right into what a good time they all had together over the weekend. She only wished that she could talk to me so that I could see how good it was for all of them...and that she was nervous hearing about the no-contact order.
She also wanted to talk to my MIL; it bothers her that MIL shoots hateful looks at her all the time. She just wants her to know that it wasn't all her...

BFF told her: Are you out of your MIND?! Neither of them wants ANYTHING to do with you! Take that idea and get it right out of your mind; it isn't going to happen!
Up until that point, bff had been talking to her occassionaly, trying to convince her to save her marriage and go to counseling (she initially seemed to consider it; now, she is set to move out next week and leave her children). She asked her not to call her anymore after today.

Delusional.

Side note: CW asked bff over a month ago to watch one of her kids today--she having surgery to remove a lump from one of her breasts for a biopsy. I will refrain from comment on that.

[Reincarnated]

Aack. OK, I'll tell her that I don't want to know if they decide to follow through on an intervention, but to at least wait until after the final settlement 11/19.

Believe me, I am not pretending that this will work magic and make H rush into my arms. But maybe it will be enough to get him out of his narrow mindset and seek counseling, even if on his own. I am not only concerned about myself and our R...

I think of what our kids are going through. And how much H is walking away from--not only me, but kids, home, financial security, his parents, family, friends, and his own integrity. I worry about him, when (and if) the realization of what he has done sets in. So many people are being hurt by this. I still care for him and hate to see all that happen. I know it is his choice, but it is so hard to stand by and watch someone you love tear their whole world apart...then again, he could be completely right, and he knows what he needs best--we could all be off-base on what he needs to be happy. If only it wasn't so vastly different than anything else in his 36 years...

[oldtimer]

Donna,

Really, quit worrying about H.

Think about the realization you had about how many people in your neighborhood were D. They are all OK and they all have friends and families.

I believe that H will keep the kids in his life. Family rifts heal. Friendships survive. New friendships are built. H will be OK. H is a big boy and he wants to make his life vastly different than it has been. He will flounder along the way. But he will wind up OK in the end.

You don't need the drama of forecasting disaster and neverending misery for H. You *really* don't need it. You will be OK without it. Let H be. He will be OK too.

[NikB]

Donna - sorry to "barge in" for a minute but thought it'd be a good place to find Oldtimer.

Oldtimer - I know you have to really limit the sitches you follow here, but if you have time would you mind looking in on Agent99?? She reminds me of me (but with a stronger sense of her boundaries ), and she's getting some really conflicting advice. I'd be curious to hear your take, and think it would be helpful to her. Here's
Agent99's thread

[Reincarnated]

No prob, Nikki. Hope that you are well, yourself. I have to catch up with people and see how you are doing. Too caught up as of late.

[NikB]

Totally understandable Donna, you have a LOT going on!!

I'm doing pretty well. Thinking I may get another bomb any minute, so looking to you as an example of detaching.

[Reincarnated]

OT, a few days ago, you wrote this:

What is your fear about what it says about YOU if you let go of being devastated?

I don't WANT to be devestated! I don't think I am, at least quite as badly, as before. But I am very sad, about the whole thing. I literally feel like a cannon ball has exploded through my chest (although not as recently as I felt it before), and there is a gaping hole there. Not as raw, but still something missing.

It is H and the possibility of reconcilliation that I am having a very hard time letting go of. I can accept that it is happening, but it is still sad and makes me cry (not hysterical). I can not agree or condone it, though, which is what he ultimately wants--he doesn't want to feel the guilt. He threw this quote at me after court--If you love something, set it free.
Yeah, well, I can do that if forced, but I am not going to jump for joy over it.
He says that he needs the closure, that the R and his heart is just too damaged...he can't see a future with us (or much of any future at all, anymore, he has said). I still can.
But I have to start painting a picture of an alternate future. I have to make it seem real, and forsee the happiness there that will be for me and the kids. I believe that there are many possible paths that our journey could take, and I have to start seeing more than the one I most hoped for.

One of the things that really hit home for me that he said:

I am asking him to break his heart all over again. Do I not think that he really is in love with this woman?

The thought of that puts me in a much more difficult place...I don't want him to hurt, I want him to be happy. But I also feel so deeply for my kids, for the family and his parents, and also myself. There is still more heartbreak ahead; now, the question is only, whose will it be?

I don't feel that I need to be the victim...I have moments of brute strength, and other moments of quiet strength. And sometimes, I just get bashed around. But nothing like the despair of the recent past.
I feel that I have broken the codependency. I don't need him in my life to find happiness, but I do still want him very much. I think that there is the potential to build a wonderful, interdependent R/M with him after all we've been through.

But the transition person he is with will continue the codependency, only this time, she will be the provider of all and do everything for him. Her sole purpose of being alive will be to fulfil his every need with no other considerations. Maybe that is what he wants, after all, rather than an equal.

Well, I am off to bed. Back-to-school shopping was fun (always one of my favorite times of the year). Night, all.