Okay, my H had a yr. long affair with a someone 20 years younger than him. We trying to reconcile for 2 1/2 years, although, I'm still not convinced that's what I want to do but I have a question, please.
My H says he loves me, he finds me sexy, desireable, etc. BUT, we're not having any intercourse. I asked him and he said it was not a priority anymore and because of his age, things aren't working the same anymore. He's 50. Is this true? Is our sex life over? Should I be concerned? Help. OBTW, we did have sex a few nights ago, but he couldn't come. Same questions as above, pelase.
Sounds to me as if he may be still embroiled emotionally with OW or perhaps even a new OW. Or that he still harbors the resentment that played a role in him having an A. Are you sure the A is over, and that he is not having a new one? Did you ever deal with the issues that you played a part in creating the environment for an A? I'm not saying the A was your fault, but A's don't happen in most good marriages, so there was something in your M prior to the A that built a sense of entitlement and resentment in your H.
I don't think at all that being 50 is an excuse for having an absent SL, or not being able to ejaculate. There may be physical issues though. Yes, things aren't working the same anymore, but many people have healthy SL into their 60s (and a few even beyond that). Does he have circulatory problems?
Maybe some more background on the A, your M, and your H's health issues could help us focus on the problem
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Did he switch to erotica after the A? If he did, he most likely will not tell you and might be good at hiding it.
Ed will some/most guys for a loop so some or most of what he tells you could be true. From what I read some guys will say they lost interest in sex but many times the talk is not reality.
The ED is not strictly age related so don't count it as normal just because he reached a certain age.
Sometimes when I can't sleep, I take care of myself. Once in a while I wake up in two hours and do it again. I even have morning wood and if my W was willing, I would go again. Usually once is enough. (FYI I am 63 and this is for informational purposes only)
I googled "when sex is over" and found other guys in M's where the W didn't like sex or wouldn't engage in sex. Some of the guys were in their late 60 / early 70's.
Having ED is a curse for most men and does strange things to the guys thinking. Having a W that doesn't like sex is no fun either.
(this is embarrassing) Gwyn, first let me invite you to not be embarrassed. Once you post here, what you have posted will seem tame.
The SSM forum is a place where questions asked, thoughts shared, becomes a growing process for everyone.
We are all just cyber friends in similar leaky boats, bailing the water out as best as we know how and need/give support to all of our sometimes “best friends you never met.”
Are you sure the A is over, and that he is not having a new one?
Yes, I'm sure. I actually asked him this and he denied it. I also asked if it wasn't an OW, was he getting his needs met another way and he again said no.
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The ED is not strictly age related so don't count it as normal just because he reached a certain age.
The way that I understand ED (and I'll admit, I'm pretty stupid when it comes to this stuff), if he had ED, then he would not be able to become hard, that's not the case, he just doesn't ejaculate. You know, we've been together for a total of 9 years and he's always been like this so I'm not sure it's an OW thing, he may just rather ejaculate someway other than through intercourse. What do you all think? I'm confused. But I'm also concerned enough to ask if it could be another EA/PA or masterbation or porn. How will I ever know? I've asked him and that's all if have is his word (which by the way, doesn't have a great record).
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Gwyn, first let me invite you to not be embarrassed. Once you post here, what you have posted will seem tame.
Thank you so much for this. I have no brothers and my father is dead and my mom would die if I asked for help in this matter, so I appreciate the ability to talk to someone about these issues.
I moved my reply to my Next 2 thread. We won't. We thrive on the tough questions.
Guys that have ED do cum/ejaculate. Not all but many.
he may just rather ejaculate someway other than through intercourse. What do you all think? Look up some of Haphazard post. Her H takes a long tome to cum.
If you are signed in, click on her name and click on the link to her old posts.
She (Fran) lives in London UK and they are +5GMT hours ahead in time, so she posts at different hours than most of us.
A couple of the other ladies have partners with ED and low sex drive. Heywyre Greeneyedlass, Lil, and more, so you are among knowledgeable friends.
I have to go on a service call but advise posting a long history of how you got together, what worked, major events, what happened and maybe why, what steps you and H have taken to correct some problems. What is happening now and what are the circumstances, and where do you want to go/what you are willing to do to get there.
Gwyn, Okay, I am not a guy, but I thought I'd throw in my 2 cents.
Your H's life with OW was a self delusion, a trick way to feel good about himself. Kudos to him for waking up and working his way back to reality. With you, he can be his real self, and right now he is facing his mid life concerns head on. He may be feeling depresed as he adjusts to a new life transition. I bet what he is looking for now is something real and something connected and loving with you. He may sense your mixed feelings about reconciliation and be holding back a side of himself that he may want to share, now that he's not transfixed by fantasy. I think you have a chance at real intimacy here. I know you are hurt and confused as well, but I wonder what would happen if you took steps to embrace the man he is today, giving him time to work through the sexual aspects.
Gwyn, I agree with Lou... you don't have to be embarrassed about posting ANYTHING here.
Go to http://www.google.com and enter the phrase "delayed ejaculation" in quotes and you'll get a bunch of stuff that may be informative.
One other question... when this happens, has he been drinking? There is a phenomenon referred to by the yukky name of "whiskey dick" where a guy who is drunk will take forever to come...
I know you are hurt and confused as well, but I wonder what would happen if you took steps to embrace the man he is today, giving him time to work through the sexual aspects.
I've done that. We actually had a "second" honeymoon after I found out. No problem then so why now?
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has he been drinking?
No.
He told me this past weekend that he's happier now than he has ever been. I also told him this past weekend that I'm still very sad about our M and he offered to let me go so I can heal. I'm not sure that's what I want but sometimes I think that may be easier.
For the last two evenings, he has come home so quiet and reserved as if he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. I asked him if there is something he wants to talk about and he said no, do you? He always does that - turns it around on me. I try to keep a happy outlook, and I'm trying very hard to keep positive but it's hard with the emotions that I'm going through and now I feel responsible for his emotions. I'm not berating him or acting like I'm leaving him, but he does know how I feel yet I don't bring it into our relationship.
Okay, so now I live with the A pain, now I live with someone depressed, now I live with someone who apparently doesn't seem to think sex is a priority, can anyone tell me what's left? Can someone define "love" for me? I don't think I really know what love is, not the love between husband and wife. I thought sex was an affirmation of love, yet I think he sees it as his duty. When I say to him, I'm horny, he says to me "do you need me to "do you" which means oral sex. No intimacy, just getting me off. I miss my old boyfriend. After we married, which is only been 5 years, he changed and I'm sure I did my share of change, which leads me to believe I have no idea what a normal marriage is. I need some help on this one please.
And, thank you so much for not making feel inhibited in my posts. I really need to talk about this stuff and I have no one to turn to with these problems. I see an IC, but I'm even embarrassed to talk to him about it.
You waste no time in asking the difficult questions. Who can really define love? Poets and philosophers have filled many pages trying to figure this one out. One definition that's simple and helpful to me is that love has 3 components: passion, intimacy ( closeness... not the sexual kind), and commitment. Intimacy and commitment without the passion in this model is considered friendship. Since the passion component is supposed to be there on some level in marriage, its absence creates resentment and interferes with the friendship aspect ( this is the state that most of the posters here are in).
