Trying to set those goals!

[NikB]

Dom - I agree with you that it's a good idea to ask him on some kind of fun/exciting date and see how he responds. Connecting that way sounds really good right now.

But the rest of what you wrote in your latest post kinda worries me. She's "letting" him slip away? How does she have any control over that? He MOVED OUT and said he wants to be broken up. Totally agree that some changes, 180s, etc. might work but I don't think "1 to 2 days" are going to make a whole lot of difference - it took him a long time to get to this point, he's not going to change his mind in a day. And I really think there's very little in terms of her H that Agent99 has any control over right now. Yeah, a drastic 180 might be a good idea to shake things up - but there is no perfect magic thing that she can do today to control what he decides. I know we ALL wish there was, but there really isn't.

I was thinking about one of the scenarios (the trench coat one) from a "gender reversed" perspective and it was really kinda scary. Trick her into the bedroom, push her down on the bed by whatever means necessary, even if she resists... then take care of 'your' business, and leave her to take care of herself. Wow.. that does NOT sound so positive to me. It's not attractive to EITHER person to throw yourself at someone who doesn't want you. (and it can start to read like borderline rape if the person REALLY doesn't want it). If they do have some good dates, if they do get to Piecing, and they both want each other, then I agree something crazy and aggressive like that might be fun! But not right now.

As far as the chaps - I think my3sons has a good idea, wait until you'll need them and then ask about them. I wouldn't even mention that you checked the usual spot, just ask if he's run across them since you can't find them.

For that matter if you ask him on the motorcycle date that might be the perfect time - invite him, and if he accepts you have the perfect opportunity to look for your chaps, notice they are missing, and ask if he's seen them.

[NikB]

Morgan - I know you asked Dom but hope you don't mind me replying too, since I'm here. I don't think there's any way to know, especially because often I don't think THEY know for sure either. Maybe they're done with the "old" you but if you make positive changes in your life, they may be interested in the "new" you... or maybe they've totally slipped away, are heavily into an R with someone else, then a year or two or three from now will decide they've made a mistake and want to come back (at which point you decide if you still want them).

[my3sons]

As far as the chaps - I think my3sons has a good idea, wait until you'll need them and then ask about them. I wouldn't even mention that you checked the usual spot, just ask if he's run across them since you can't find them.

For that matter if you ask him on the motorcycle date that might be the perfect time - invite him, and if he accepts you have the perfect opportunity to look for your chaps, notice they are missing, and ask if he's seen them.

There are two possible reasons for him to take the motorcycle gear. 1) He is going on a ride, or 2) He wants to make you jealous by making you THINK he is going on a ride. If (1) then either (1a) he is going alone but carelessly took the whole box of gear or (1b) he needs the extra gear for his biker ho.

In NONE of these situations is it going to be a positive for you to be looking for that gear in the next week or so. If (2), then no matter how you bring it up, he will know that you noticed the stuff missing. If (1b) then you "caught" him but that won't help you. And even if only (1a) he will still wonder why you happened to think of riding just after he took the stuff.

It will not hurt you to wait a few days. Maybe he will mention that he's planning a ride. If not, then at some point you can bring up your ride last year and ask him if he's done any riding lately.

Oh, I forgot another possibility: (3) He is scared that you might actually GAL and he took your gear to keep you from running off with some biker dude.

----

And most boring, (4) One of the guys from the camping weekend was looking for some motorcycle gear and H took it to let him check it out.
--

Also, it occurred to me that after letting H wonder where you were Monday night for a couple days, let it slip that it was "just" a divorce support group. To him, that might be more real, more of a wakeup call, than anything else he would actually believe you were doing.

[Trixi]

Regarding the "possibly" missing motorcycle gear, first look around and make sure that's where they were. Second, check your calendar and see when the next time is that you are going to need them. Third, send him a text up to one week before the date you need them to tell him you can't find them and does he know where they are.

heh- guess I need to find some hunky guy with a motorcycle. I can't ride by myself. (ie, i can't decide to go on a road trip using a rented cycle.) Boo!
And I am 95% sure he took the box and helmets, but, there is a small chance it's been moved. I will make sure before i look stupid.

Yes, I know you don't own a motorcycle. My point is, you have no reason to be looking for that stuff. He may very well be testing you to see if you are checking up on his activities. You didn't rise to the bait on the camping stuff, so now he's trying this. Don't give him the satisfaction.

good enough. he made it so obvious he was in the cabinet; one of the ladder feet was smashing one of the shoes I wear all the time. Dork.

As for the opinion of the divorce support group, I would tend to concur. He is just doing a more thorough job of preserving his options than most wayward spouses are capable of.

Yeah. I guess I hold out some weird thought that if he really wanted to make sure we felt broken up, all he would have to do is say he was seeing someone. That would pretty much take care of that.

[Trixi]

It's interesting how he reacted to your text vs spoken stuff.
he wants to have positive feelings from you. but not enough to ask you on a date like he said he would.
Didnt he "agree" to do stuff with you once a week?

That was supposed to be the original plan. But I think now he doesn't want to do that so we can feel totally broken up.

It's nice that he's still "noticing" what you are doing.
it doesnt make sense that he would "move" his mail, but not take it.

he's a space cadet that way. I think he probably grabbed his mail, went to the fridge to get something (?) set the mail down and get distracted with whatever and forgot.

I see that NikkiB addressed the "slipping away" statement, so I am going to go and re-read what she said.

[Trixi]

But the rest of what you wrote in your latest post kinda worries me. She's "letting" him slip away? How does she have any control over that? He MOVED OUT and said he wants to be broken up. Totally agree that some changes, 180s, etc. might work but I don't think "1 to 2 days" are going to make a whole lot of difference - it took him a long time to get to this point, he's not going to change his mind in a day. And I really think there's very little in terms of her H that Agent99 has any control over right now. Yeah, a drastic 180 might be a good idea to shake things up - but there is no perfect magic thing that she can do today to control what he decides. I know we ALL wish there was, but there really isn't.

Thanks. I hate to think that I only have a day or two window to change things.
I also think that I need to be careful of my 180s. Since his first assumption was I was avoiding him (good call on his part since that was part of my motivation), he will probably believe that any 180s I do are reactionary and not self motivated.

I sure wish I *could* invite him out on a motorcycle date.

[my3sons]

he made it so obvious he was in the cabinet; one of the ladder feet was smashing one of the shoes I wear all the time. Dork.

Ah, here is your opening. Send him a text: "Thanks a lot for ruining one of my favorite shoes. Be more careful where you put the ladder next time, Dork! "

[Trixi]

There are two possible reasons for him to take the motorcycle gear. 1) He is going on a ride, or 2) He wants to make you jealous by making you THINK he is going on a ride. If (1) then either (1a) he is going alone but carelessly took the whole box of gear or (1b) he needs the extra gear for his biker ho.

Let me tell you--if some other woman wears MY stuff I will be peeIssed!

And even if only (1a) he will still wonder why you happened to think of riding just after he took the stuff.

Precisely my thought.

Alright, I'll just sit on it.

Someone at the divorce support group TOTALLY "got" why I am so upset he is doing everything I suggested for 'us' to do. She had begged her H for years to go on a vacation and travel. he was always "too busy" and didn't "see the point". Now that they are divorced he is traveling all the time.

[Trixi]

Ah, here is your opening. Send him a text: "Thanks a lot for ruining one of my favorite shoes. Be more careful where you put the ladder next time, Dork! "

It was just a tennis shoe; so it's not ruined...but I love the idea!! Since it's not "ruined",do I still have an opening?

[Trixi]

Dom - I agree with you that it's a good idea to ask him on some kind of fun/exciting date and see how he responds. Connecting that way sounds really good right now.

Since he wants to feel totally broken up, doesn't this idea fly in the face of what he wants?