Yes L, you're right, I do have a life & Yes, Bella, he can just sit on that for a while.
It was only yesterday that he said he wouldn't be coming to see S4 until Wednesday. It was only yesterday that he asked if he was invited & then told me to think on it.
Nothings changed , your H is feeling a little left out? I think he has told you that he is not 100% gone , perhaps not those words but something like it. Hes a bit lost I would guess and your strenght has him concerned that perhaps you will cut his lifeline before hes ready. I see the time we give our WAS's by stepping back and supporting but leaving them too what they are doing as a gift and a selfless one at that. I think the WAS sees this and while they wont acknowledge it I am sure they appreciate it . I also think they panic if they think we may be thinking of terminating the gift of time . Particularly where the WAS is not pushing for a firm end to the R .
Your H sounds a bit like mine. VERY confused & when you throw in the true detachment they cant seem to handle it very well. MY h sort of goes beserk almost like a double personality.
IF u have chance take a look at my last post you will see all my drama from last nite.
I believe you're right about the fear that the life line will be cut. Human nature to want the LBS waiting safely on the shelf while the WAS determines if they're making the right decision. I would choose that myself, if I was in those shoes.
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I also think they panic if they think we may be thinking of terminating the gift of time
It's all very understandable to me, which is why I don't spend a lot of time beating up the WAS or the OW. That's not to say I enjoy it, it just is.
When Michele says the WAS believes they know you, I think when they see the LBS make changes they're not expecting, it does cause them to wonder if they're looking at their choices correctly.
For whatever reasons, I went from a fun loving, outgoing person, to someone who had a hard time having even a kids B-Day party. For my S4's in March, I just couldn't get myself to plan a party for him & ended up inviting a few neighborhood kids over at the last minute. The more my H looked at me with that "what is wrong with you" look, the more I withdrew, until I avoided him completely.
The beauty of all I've gotten from DB, is that I don't need to figure out first what led me there. By hosting a party for myself, with the guest list @ around 50, I'm able to go through my fears, not around them & "unstick" myself. There will be time later to noodle on what got me to that place, yes?
So, I can see why my H is a little thrown off. Maybe he's picturing himself alone with the OW while I'm enjoying my party with everyone in my(our) beautiful home. In anycase, it's one of many 180's that needed to happen for me. I'm not doing it for a reaction from him, b/c, afterall, he could get so miffed by not being invited that he goes even further away. That's for him to decide.
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IF u have chance take a look at my last post you will see all my drama from last nite.
Hey Chicki,
Luckily there's not much drama in my sitch. I try & steer clear of it completely, as it takes on a life of it's own. I don't know if you ever saw the movie "War of the Roses". Pretty scary how things can escalate out of control, until the R is pretty much a footnote with no growing/reconciliation going on. Hopefully you guys can work away from that, I know how stressful it must be. Thanks for stopping by & I'll check out what's happening with you today.
Sunny, Wish I was closer to SoCal, I would advise you to invite H, but me too, as your date!
That not being the case, I can just say that I just had a (very) small belated b'day part here in FL (the real one was in TX). I told W about it and when she asked if she was invited, I just said "I'd prefer if you didn't come." I think that was a real stab to the heart for her since it was with neighbors and our kids at a neighbors house.
My guess is that this would be a similar result for you too. Probably he will sulk around for a week or so if you don't invite him, but it is necessary for him to understand that while you will remain friendly, you will not be friends as long as he is carrying on with OW!
Love ya, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Its funny you mention the movie War of the roses b/c I think of that movie & the other one w/ Jennifer Annsiton- The break up when I think of my stich.
Before my H left I tried to get him towazth The break up w/ me,but he wouldnt. I told him how that was excatly us (before w/ allsthe fighting). He finally watched it on tv and I could tell where he would cringe at some parts.
I certainly have come along way from there. Thanks to God and this website AND the wake up call (A bomb) I have made very good changes (anger issues, reacting or not reacting to H temper tantrums)that I will carry on to the next R if this one does not work out.
" I think that was a real stab to the heart for her
My guess is that this would be a similar result for you too.
Yes, SD, Throwing a party on my own seems to really have effected my H. I never responded to his email a few days ago asking if he was invited again & his wanting to see S4 before Weds. after all. He didn't contact me again either, until yesterday morning.
The VM I received was from a low sounding H, telling me to call him about seeing S late afternoon. I called him back to OK the time of arrival, told him I received his email & was still thinking on it. He asked me how I was, & o/c "I'm fine, thanks." And you, "Uh, good. Sorta."
Arrives at the house looking somewhat despondent. Takes S4 to the beach & invites me to go to dinner with them, which I don't decline, but don't accept.
After putting S4 to bed, where S tells him he doesn't want him to read him a story, he just wants him to "go home now", he comes upstairs & asks how I am again. I'm "OK, actually great, thanks. And you?"
H-"Not so good, I've never been this down for such a long period. I wake up every morning & try to just get through the day, sort of put everything in a room in the back of my head & close the door. Now it's so full I can't close the door anymore. I don't know what to do, I just don't know what to do."
I validate & tell him I'm sorry he's having a hard time. I don't know what else to say, b/c I can't really help you with whatever you're struggling with.
H-"I'm losing my family J, don't you get that?"
"I understand, that's difficult, isn't it."
H-"It's not getting any easier, in fact, it's getting harder everyday. When I talk to people that have D'd though, with or w/o kids, they all say they're so happy they did now."
"Humm, OK. I've been D'd & can understand feeling that way, I have a different take on it now & actually regret doing it the first time. It's too bad I didn't know what I know now back then, I was pretty much operating on an emotional basis & letting them run the show. I think D is a rotten way to address problems, especially for the kids, unless there's something major going on. I finally read a book my therapist friend gave me 18 years ago on why people choose the mates they do. Somehow you end up choosing someone with pretty much equal baggage & similar issues to work out."
H-"Yeah, so don't D, right? We both had parents that stayed married, even if they had terrible marriages. We were just so awful to each other sometimes & I don't see hwo that would change. We got married for the wrong reasons."
So, on & on it went, with him saying he just didn't know what to do. Seems that there are 3 choices; A marriage between 2 people that love each other & the kids get the benefit of that. A D, where there is a friendly atmosphere & good co-parenting. Or, A D, where there is hostility & everyone suffers.
I said that if I understand him correctly, he's leaning towards #2, & that's Ok, he needs to make the best choices for himself.
H-"Don't box me in J, I don't know what to do. I'm sorry for hurting you & the kids with this. I can't just jump back in right now."
While we were having the convo, the phone kept ringing. He started doing that laughing thing again, saying, "your other guy is prolly getting nervous that you're talking to your H."
One of the other things talked about was his regret in leaving someone to start a R with his XW, which was a mistake, & when he tried to go back to her after, she was engaged to someone else.
So, all these things are rolling around in his mind. The best I can do is continue to give him plenty of space to figure it out for himself & o/c maintain the distance as it is right now. There was no mention of the OW. Still, I know he's wrestling with that also. He did say something interesting when we talked about my going from my 1st M right into another R, "He was just a reaction to you getting out of your M, that's why you started that R."
He'll be back on Friday night to stay downstairs. I'll be going out, so he'll have lot's of space.
Yes Chicki, when you're in the middle of it, it's difficult to see. Yay for you to break some of the cycles that don't do anything but keep us stuck. It sounds like you're continuing to learn what it takes to keep you coming "a long way."
Sunny, You are a DB goddess! That was absolutely beautiful. Definitely do go out on Friday and let his mind wrap around all the things you could be out doing. I can't remember where I read it, but we always covet the things that others want or that are scarce. It is just the way we are wired. If H thinks that there are other men pursuing you, you become a more desirable, scarce "commodity". It is a strange way to look at it, but useful nonetheless.
I still say you should not invite him to the party and certainly not unless there will be some hot SoCal dudes hanging around you like moths around a flame!
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
I agree with SD -- you are an absolute DB phenom! I'm always left shaking my head and grinning in awe when I read how well you handle anything and everything H throws your way.
It is so great to hear H actually verbalizing his struggles with the choices he is facing regarding his R/M with you. That is so huge! He is trying to keep you from closing the door completely, because he's not sure what he wants to do. He's scared you will move on before he has decided, and I think that if you keep doing what you're doing he's going to make the right decision.
