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[Atlas]

i'm pretty lost on what w is doing at this point. she is bringing by the papers tonight for me to look over, but she hasn't filled them yet. she wants me to look them over and approve them. isn't she asking me to be controlling?

why would she not just fill them? this is so odd, she might be looking for an amicable split i guess. not really sure how to handle it at this point. i'm acting as if everything is right with the world, but not sure how to handle this part.

any suggestions?

[dlt1]

Don't know if thsi is right or not...
I say go with your gut, not your heart. This is a business transaction. Thsi is the legal part of Divorce, not the emotional part.
Don't have a pen ready and waiting. Reveiw everything, discuss if you need to. Then hand it to her. Make her ask you to sign it (if it even needs to be signed at this point).
A thought: If you expect this to be a bit emotional. Maybe try writing out your own brief settlement papers. Then read over them and get a feel for the emotions. May help keep them in check with W there?? Do you remember Wayne's World the movie. When they review the contract? I like what you did here, uh huh, oh yes that looks good. Wait what's this? Oh I see, very good...
How's that for throwing her for a loop? LOL

[Heimlich]

atlas,

Good to know that you're getting better. How about that hot doc?

I had to come to the same place you are. You can't stop your W from filing. So, the best thing you can do is to be nice about it. Be calm and just discuss things rationally. My W and I went through a mediator (actually, apointment at one today to finalize the financial stuff). Emotionally, you have to decide if there's anything left in you for her. In my case, I think there is. How long that'll last, I don't know. I'd probably be willing to give it another shot with her, if just for our girls, for at least another few months. After that, I don't know. I do know that I'm going to move on. Toying around with the idea of dating, just to see what that's like.

Anyway, just be nice. Funny how we both got to this place at about the same time, eh? Who knows, 6 months from now we might be in piecing or we might be over in dealing with D.

BD

[Atlas]

Thanks for the perspective everyone. I do have to say, I am being extremely nice but I found something yesterday lying under the couch, my self-esteem. Seriously, I have been doing a lot of thinking, reading, thinking, writing, reading, thinking and I realize something, ONLY I CAN HURT ME!

W is totally powerless over me. I even noticed that physically she looks diffrent, I'm not as attracted to her. My feelings have totally changed, not in the sense that I wouldn't be willing to work on things, but that I'm no longer willing to take her crap and indecision.

My plan and goals: I'm moving forward with this divorce, she is stalling by not filling it and wanting my approval, I'm going to force the hand. I understand that this isn't a DB'ing tactic of sorts, but I'm ready either way. She can't continue to claim victim and confusion on my behalf. I wasn't a great husband but I was a good husband. This is her choice, her actions have already shown that she has choosen and now I'm just going to allow her to walk the path that she has chosen. If she decides to look back and see what is there, great, if not, well I'm already meeting OW and I plan on starting dating prior to this going final. Hell, even if she wanted to work on things, I think I would only permit dating between us at this point and I doubt I would be exclusive either. She hasn't earned that.

Bitter, a little. But I'm standing for me now. Take your shots!

[Matt-14]

Atlas,

I don't have any shots for you. I'm saving all of my bullets, you never know when I'll need them.

Just tread lightly, she will eventually see what she has done to herself, you and the family. It may be too late. Only you will know that. But, I would say it is okay to go on living your life.

Matt

[Puddle]

Hey Atlas,

I found something yesterday lying under the couch, my self-esteem. Seriously, I have been doing a lot of thinking, reading, thinking, writing, reading, thinking and I realize something, ONLY I CAN HURT ME!

W is totally powerless over me.

This is really powerful stuff. It's so hard to GAL, etc, for YOU, while the end goal is always a successful M---it's easy to actually have the focus on the spouse (or your own failures in the R, etc). This doesn't do our self-esteem any good, obviously. I'm so glad for you that you've reached a place where you've found not only your control (your power---which is always in relation to another person), but perhaps your strength, which is just about you you you.[/quote]

She can't continue to claim victim and confusion on my behalf.

This may be the ultimate 180. I hope the results for you are positive.

I'm already meeting OW and I plan on starting dating prior to this going final.

Okay, maybe *that's* the ultimate 180! You're going to be great out there. Are you planning to start with the hot doctor lady?

Bitter, a little. But I'm standing for me now.

Also no shots to take. Just a reminder that somehow we all have to find a way to let the bitterness go. Doesn't hurt your W a bit, just you (and kids) and your future Rs.

Take care of yourself.

[NDDT]

" I found something yesterday lying under the couch, my self-esteem."


Hey!!! did you happen to see mine there too???

G

[Atlas]

NDDT, I'll take a second look, but I'm sure yours is under your couch as well.

Well like clock work W is calling again. Now she is really sappy or really snippy. She asks why I didn't come see S during the weekend. She asked to have him all weekend since grandpa was in town and I agreed with her that it would be good for S to see him. So then she asks if I'll keep him overnight, which I can't since I have plans later tonight and I say that she will have to pick him up at the designated time. W freaks, don't you love him, don't you miss him? Said sure I do, then she asks "Don't you miss us?"

Well I set her off with this, I told her to quit second guessing her decision. W snapped back that she wasn't and I said sure you are, you want to know how I feel about you, and with the D going forward I don't really care to explore it.

She got rather upset, couldn't tell if she was crying, but asked how I could just drop "them" like a rock, etc. I explained that he is my boy and I love him and I will always take care of him and be his dad, but she has made the choice to not want me as a H, so she should quit dwelling on it and move forward.

Then she asked if I was seeing anyone else and if that was why I had plans, at first all I said was that I had plans. Then she asked again in her stern voice, and all I said is yes, there are women present when friends and I go out. This seemed to lessen her guilt, I got a good for you you need to do that.

Then she asks if she can take S on a vacation. I ask her why wouldn't you be able to? You know I wouldn't say no. She tells me that she wants my approval, of which I remind her that was what she said was wrong in our M, that she thought I had to be the final say on everything and control everything. It truly is sad, my W has carried the Womens Lib flag for years and now that I'm stepping back I realize just how weak of a women she is. I look around at some of the women I have meet recently and the ones in my life and all I can say is it is my W's way of a false ego boost. Well she will follow in her mothers foot steps and make all the same mistakes, hell she even has the same degrees from school. It's all just too funny and sad to watch.

Not sure why I'm even writing this, I want to say I don't care, but I do. But I'm not hurt by it, just wish she would wake up because her pain from this is going to be rough down the road and I don't want to see her hurt, but I'm not playing any more.

[Puddle]

Wow, Atlas, it really does sound like you're finished with her. I'm sure it does to her, too. It has to be a long road for the WAS to really get all of the consequences of their decision. Re: "Don't you miss us?" It's got to be hard for your wife to feel like you won't miss her (now or someday), and of course she'll just have to deal.

I think it's ironic that we can reach a certain point when the WAS demonstrating ambivalence doesn't give us hope but just makes us feel sorry for them. Maybe this is less about giving up hope than it is about moving on ourselves to the point where they're just not an attractive option anymore. Whatever it is, I wish you peace. Take care.

[dlt1]

Not sure why I'm even writing this, I want to say I don't care, but I do. But I'm not hurt by it, just wish she would wake up because her pain from this is going to be rough down the road and I don't want to see her hurt, but I'm not playing any more.

Not sure I feel exactly the same yet. But, I am sad for my W. She is working on herself, but does not seem true b/c she is doing exactly what she always does in a R. She chooses to right her life from here on. But wants to throw one more piece out.
Atlas, sounds like you are at THAT point. Something is going to give, sending you in a definite direction. I know you'll be good following that path. Way to go!