the more I think about it, the more I wish I had sent the second-to-last draft. the final one was too wordy. ahh, well, neither really matters, neither will change anything. but at least I know that. and I swear I do it to avoid conflicts/confrontations/saying stuff that is hard. that is something my friend nails me on constantly. its like I have to put all this fluff around something, and then maybe the other person won't notice I'm calling a spade a spade....even though I really want to call that spade a spade. sigh. just add it to the list of things for me to work on.
did I mention all this cookie talk inspired me to bake with the kids today? we made chocolate chip cookies...they had so much fun with it, and of course enjoyed the results. the question is, do I leave them in the pantry...or do I freeze them all, and hide the evidence, before h comes tomorrow? lol.
Last edited by morgan; 08/21/0712:59 AM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
And you know what? Your email wasn't nearly as 'wordy' as his. I really think it was perfect to send him. You did it, it came from your heart, and we have to learn not to worry about what H's think. Its not like you emailed him out of the blue, you were responding to his.
Cookies.......mmmmmmmm............me very hungry!!
It's just my observation from my own experience, but it sure seems like your H has real potential of coming out of this despite your doubt.
That one email he sent you had more thought and emotion in it than most of us LBS's see from our WAS's. My stbx and I use to be able to communicate on a very deep level. Now, I look into her eyes and there's nothing there. She's like a zombie, never mind any intelligent or emotional thought. It's like she's completely void of any spiritual presence or self awareness if that makes any sense to you. I wish I could be more descriptive so that you can see the contrast between your H and most of our WAS's. He's at least in touch with his inner conscience and he's able to at least know there's something wrong.
You still have the opportunity to communicate on a deeper level with him and that is where you can begin to re-connect again. The rest of us are strangers to our WAS's, but your H is not afraid to tell you what he's feeling inside. Keep up the D'bing, I'd like to see a success story here.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
atgo, I appreciate your input...wish I could believe. trust me, mostly I see the zombie/fog-man. its very rare to see anything out of him that even looks like self-awareness/ openness/real communication. he has just done it enough to reel me back in, at least a little bit. it has happened 3x...each time I have told him, for real, that I was done/ending things. most of the time he does not tell me what he is feeling, not like this. he's very good at telling me how he isn't in love with me anymore, how he is in love with ow, how I am just a big fat failure (meaning me, not him) etc, etc. That is what I mostly hear.
I'll be honest and say I don't think I'm anything more to my h after that e-mail than I was before it. I do think he has guilt, don't get me wrong. according to my friend (she told me this last time I ended things), with his personal history/co-dependent tendencies, he has no choice but to feel his balls are in a vice over this. But it doesn't mean anything changes...doesn't even mean he wants anything to change. Just means he's going to do what he wants, but will feel an enormous amount of guilt/self-loathing for it.
So for me, yep, DB-ing will continue. but only in the sense that I am going to GAL, and such. I really need to get, "save my marriage" out of my mind.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
tough morning, that ended okay. first, H came by to spend time with the kids. saw his new car...its gorgeous. very, very nice. and it made me sad, because again, event I have nothing to do with. he was chatting away like all was normal...told me about the party his team is having for him at their bosses house on thursday night. that, too, made me sad, and made me realize just how important it is for me to not hear about his social life right now. I should have re-iterated that, but instead I asked the question...does everyone know now about us? he hesitated, then said his boss does. not about OW (yeah, I asked), but about us being apart. I wanted to ask if he said separated or divorcing, but was so sad I didn't think about it until after the fact. instead, I just teared up and went inside.
how sad is that?
I got myself together, went back outside, and told him that he had to understand, this was hard, but I would get there, I would. he told me he knew I didn't believe it, but he wasn't "there" yet either. whatever. that just angers me, because its his choice, I just get to accept it. so if he isn't there, he's doing everything he can to get there, and nothing not to.
I went back inside, this time normally, not in a huff, and started to check some e-mails and such, and he came in, helped himself to food, and started hovering over me. asking questions about my grandmother, about my sisters visit, etc. asked what my plans were this weekend. again, should have re-iterated that I don't want him to ask about my social life, just as I don't want to know about his. if he does it again, I will. not sure if its worth e-mailing about right now, though (what do you think?)
I ended up going to therapy and had a really, really good session. mostly about me, which is nice, she is good about keeping me focused on me. too bad she isn't here 24/7. lol.
when I got back, I was fine, and H of course asked about therapy and what I talked about. again, I was vague and said about me. I should have re-iterated that I didn't want him to ask me about it any more, but I didn't. next time (if I e-mail about the other thing, will include this).
not much else to tell. he ate almost the entire batch of cookies. ass. next time I either need to hide them...or maybe I should make more. lol...get him good and fat. but I'm really bugged by him eating my cookies for some reason. I know he loves them, but he doesn't deserve my cookies anymore, he deserves the storebought ones she gets.
grumble grumble.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
he shouldn't be eating your cookies, he doesn't live there. I wouldn't email him about the questions - just think of a nice way to word it next time. I prefer not to hear about your comings and goings in your personal life. Please also respect my privacy. Thanks, ass...
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
I agree with KS Chick - don't email him about this stuff, just think of a way to stop it politely but quickly next time.
As for the cookies, heck no he shouldn't be eating them, and if it bugs you, you should stop it. Hide them, don't have any around when he's over, etc.
One other thought on the "hovering for food" thing is maybe he needs to be a little less comfortable... maybe you need to ask him to stay out of "your" food. Do you go to his place and rummage through the cupboards????
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
okay, miss-lack-of-patience did e-mail. I feel good about it, actually. it may not be db-ing, but I needed to do it for myself. this is what I said.
guess this morning kind of re-iterated the need for me not to hear about your social life anymore. I'm not blaming you, I asked questions, I inserted myself into things this morning...seeing your car and such. it was just hard for me, I guess, hearing about the party. this job change is the first major event in your life in 13 years that I am not a part of. something I'll get used to...like I said, I'll get there, but it will take time, and it will take me actively distancing myself from you as much as possible.
same with hearing about how (boss) knows. and like the trip to the lake. it was hard that (best friend's wife) knew where things stood with us before I did. I wonder, how do you put it when you tell people? do you tell them we are separated? do you tell them we are getting a divorce? what do you say? I'm curious.
so lets just keep things about the kids, and about whatever business we might have, but no social stuff, okay? same with my end...I'd prefer it if you don't ask about my plans, or even about what I talk about in therapy.
maybe someday, after I've had time to really put things behind me, I'll be able to be more friendly. but for now, I just can't. I'll keep saying hi to you when you come by, will ask about your family and such, just nothing personal, okay?
take care, m.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
