Trying to set those goals!

[my3sons]

Great job on the phone call.

So, the reality of the camping thing is that he accepted an invite to a buddy's cabin. That's a whole lot less work than planning a camping trip with your S--especially if there is strain in the R and pressure to make it "memorable."

FWIW, I do think that he expects you to pursue him. It gives him the secure feeling that if he stops running, you will be there--for a booty call or just in general.

Have you ever tried to play frisbee with a dog that wants to play tag? If you refuse to chase him, eventually they will come back. Then they'll try to play tug-of-war with the frisbee. Finally they will drop the thing and wait for you to play YOUR way.

So, with the wedding, you are reasonably sure that he saw it on your calendar. (He was also maybe looking to see what was on for last night.) He wants you to ask him, but only because he wants the pursuit so he can run away some more. So don't ask him.

On the off chance that he really has forgotten, it's because it's an "appointment" and not a "party" in his head--guys may be bad at remembering appts, but it's because they don't want to go.

[SallyM]

wow....agent99, great exchange, sounds like you handled it perfectly. really, really well done. how did the support group go? (assuming you really did go?)

I have lots of reading to do from yesterday (way too self involved yesterday).

take care, and good luck.

[Trixi]

So, the reality of the camping thing is that he accepted an invite to a buddy's cabin. That's a whole lot less work than planning a camping trip with your S--especially if there is strain in the R and pressure to make it "memorable."

Hmmm...that's true. Never looked at it that way.

The support group was good. The only "bad' thing was that when I said that he wasn't having an affair, that he just left because "something" was missing, the whole room rumbled. People shaking their heads. One gal says that she heard all the same things from her husband (there's no one else, you're awesome, etc), and a year later she finds out he'd been having an affair. She was totally shocked.

Part of me wants to hire a PI to find out, just so I can understand, but the other part of me says not to waste the $$. I'll stick with the saving money thing for now.

So, here is my newest question-
When I got home, he had moved a ladder to get into a cabinet. I was curious, so I looked in the cabinet and I *believe* that a box that has the leather chaps and stuff for motorcycle riding is gone. My chaps are in there. I don't want him to have my motorcycle stuff. If I should meet anyone else that rides, I want to be able to go. (side note- if he is going motorcycle riding, too....ARGH!!!!!!!!! I had been suggesting since the winter that we needed to go riding this summer.GRRRRRRRRRRRR...Really really ticks me off that NOW he is doing these things.)

Anyway-I want to ask him if he took that box and if my chaps are in there because I want them back; but I don't want it to look like I'm "spying" or something because I checked in the cabinet to see what was missing.

Suggestions?

[NikB]

Agent99 - only have a second to post but I really tend to agree with My3Sons on the sex thing. Only because your sitch reminds me so much of mine, and your H so much of mine - and he is currently SO angry that I pursued him and stayed so available while we were separated. I wish now I had taken the path that you are on, work on yourself and if he wants you, he has to prove it by pursuing you.

[NikB]

... and to expand on that, it's a pretty healthy boundary, too. I am just starting to even understand the concept of boundaries - but it was a real wake up call when Oldtimer pointed out to me from an "outside" view how disrespectful it is (to yourself) to be having sex with him while he's not committed to you... makes it tough for him to respect you too.

[Trixi]

... and to expand on that, it's a pretty healthy boundary, too. I am just starting to even understand the concept of boundaries - but it was a real wake up call when Oldtimer pointed out to me from an "outside" view how disrespectful it is (to yourself) to be having sex with him while he's not committed to you... makes it tough for him to respect you too.

Yes! That I get!

Okay-anyone out there have a way to ask for my chaps without looking like I was spying?

[SallyM]

So, here is my newest question-
When I got home, he had moved a ladder to get into a cabinet. I was curious, so I looked in the cabinet and I *believe* that a box that has the leather chaps and stuff for motorcycle riding is gone. My chaps are in there. I don't want him to have my motorcycle stuff. If I should meet anyone else that rides, I want to be able to go. (side note- if he is going motorcycle riding, too....ARGH!!!!!!!!! I had been suggesting since the winter that we needed to go riding this summer.GRRRRRRRRRRRR...Really really ticks me off that NOW he is doing these things.)

Anyway-I want to ask him if he took that box and if my chaps are in there because I want them back; but I don't want it to look like I'm "spying" or something because I checked in the cabinet to see what was missing.

Suggestions?

well, my little passive aggressive self would say, next time you talk, (or e-mail), say, hey, a friend wants to go riding and I'm looking for my chaps, but can't seem to find the box. any idea where it might be? I looked in x spot and its gone. or even leave out the friend part, and just say you were looking for them.

not sure if that's a good or a bad thing, but its what I would probably do.

[my3sons]

Regarding the "possibly" missing motorcycle gear, first look around and make sure that's where they were. Second, check your calendar and see when the next time is that you are going to need them. Third, send him a text up to one week before the date you need them to tell him you can't find them and does he know where they are.

Yes, I know you don't own a motorcycle. My point is, you have no reason to be looking for that stuff. He may very well be testing you to see if you are checking up on his activities. You didn't rise to the bait on the camping stuff, so now he's trying this. Don't give him the satisfaction.

As for the opinion of the divorce support group, I would tend to concur. He is just doing a more thorough job of preserving his options than most wayward spouses are capable of.

[Dom R]

It's interesting how he reacted to your text vs spoken stuff.
he wants to have positive feelings from you. but not enough to ask you on a date like he said he would.
Didnt he "agree" to do stuff with you once a week?

also.. you said that he wanted "more passion" (or as I put it, "fun and excitement").
SO.. What are you going to do about that?


I've written two posts now, and erased them. there's a lot of stuff I'd like to say, but...

i guess I'll just say that I think your husband is slipping away, and you are letting him. You've been way too passive.
"receptive", instead of "aggressive". in lots of areas, not just sex. (ie: you should have already invited him to go riding, as something fun for you to do together. and if he didnt want to go, then go with some other friends of yours.)

It may already be too late for you to seriously change his mind. If it's not, I'm guessing you have one, maybe two days, to do something drastic and get his attention. Otherwise, i think he's going to plan you out of his life, for the next 1-6 months.

presuming he isnt already seeing someone, o course.

It's nice that he's still "noticing" what you are doing.
it doesnt make sense that he would "move" his mail, but not take it.

[SallyM]

dom, am curious, how does a person know if their spouse is so far gone that he has slipped away completely? I'm guessing in my instance, my h is, but at the same time, is there a way to know for sure?