Ok, so my 180 is in place, but still feel no better. In fact, I feel worse in most ways-trying to force myself to make decisions just for "me", when I was enjoying being a twosome. Now to the point where I dread the ringing of the phone, hoping it's not her with bad news, yet I just want to hear my W's voice asking me when I would be home from work or running errands. Know, or at least have come to believe that if I were to initiate a phone call, even for a friendly "how are you?", it might now be good. Have been working on me, and my own issues and trying to find out more about hers to try to find a way, and yet I know I can't make the suggestion if I am to be a good DB'er...correct? How long does this 180/NC take? Is my sitch hopeless?
If she has been diagnosed with something and needs a treatment, she has to want to go get it and get better. You admit that you have become obsessed about fixing her problem so don't.
Don't suggest anything. She will do what she wants to do anyway and will resent you for trying to talking her out of her plans.
Your sitch is not hopeless. There's still hope. But you have just started and should know that you have a long way ahead of you. Don't even bother counting days wondering how long you will have to continue 180/NC, you'll just drive yourself nuts.
You are probably still in a withdrawal period but hang in there, it will get better. Detach. Focus on yourself. Be patience. I know it's hard but hey, that's the only thing you can do right now.
You are probably still in a withdrawal period but hang in there, it will get better. Detach. Focus on yourself. Be patience. I know it's hard but hey, that's the only thing you can do right now.
I'm starting to think that focusing so much on our own selves is exactly what got us here in the first place, as with most couples in similar situations. So, I understand the necessity for self cultivation as a constant process of life, as I lived alone for nearly a decade before getting married, and though I learned a lot about me and had some fun, I have grown in more ways, and to deeper levels as a result of the challenges posed by my R with my W. So, I know my W better than anyone else, and I am the only person who has spoken to her Dr about other things she is going through, and as she is out there running from herself and from me, and trying to drown out all positive reasons to return, it seems the longer I wait and don't have contact, the more I think that SOME positive contact initiated by me may not be such a bad idea after all? I know her well, and she is probably thinking I am fading from her and the desire to get back together because I stopped pursuing entirely. She is in a very self-destructive place and pushing her other friends and family away with her anger. All DB'ing aside, I am worried for her hitting rock bottom and feeling like I wouldn't be there for her, even though she says she doesn't want anything from from me anymore now. Any thoughts???
I know you're worried about her self-destructiveness and want to "rescue" her but at this point, anything you try to do, even things you do with good intentions won't reach her as they are and will only end up making her more angry and pull away from you even farther.
No matter how well you think you know her, how much you want to think that she's no good without you, you can't rescue somebody who doesn't want to be rescued, that's what YOU want for her and not what she wants for herself. She has to want to be saved, has to want to come back to you. You are still trying to fix her and change the situation. Trying to force it will only backfire on you.
If she has to hit rock bottom, let her. If she wants to push her friends and family away with her anger, let her. That's her life, you step back, let her make her own decisions. That's what detaching and "giving her space" all about. You are still very deeply obsessed about her and you want your sitch to be fixed like, right away. I know it's very difficult but you should stay out of her way and concentrate on yourself. There is always hope but not until you're able to truly let go.
Yes, I admit that I don't want to see her hot rock bottom, as her rock bottom could mean a literal death sentence, and I am not just saying that as an excuse to see her. Her family doesn't know where she is nor what she has been doing, though they know she has at least made it to work. Being that she only has two close female friends, who haven't heard from her, that points to possibly staying with a guy, and he will most not likely know what to do when she seizes or gets suicidal or has a dizzy spell from her meds/stress. I did try to call her yesterday to let her know I am still her friend, but she didn't answer and hasn't returned my call. I debated about it for about two days before I dialed. So, you are saying that I still shouldn't contact my own W, who suffers seizures, possible BPD and numerous other physical problems, while she is on strong anti-seizure meds and driving her car illegally while under the influence of alcohol? The M is now secondary to me-it's her that I am worried about now, not me.
I don't know what else to tell you. I am not telling you to do or not do things. It's your life and it's your choice.
But you said she doesn't answer your calls and doesn't return them, either. You can keep calling or e-mailing her if you want to but from what you tell us the result you will get is the same. So what is the difference?
What is more important is, if she is really driving illegally with alcohol in her system or while being on the strong medication like you say, I think you should call the police as soon as possible before she seriously injures or kills other people (and herself)!!!
Phew! Ok, so I got our shared cell phone bill a few days ago...noticed a familiar number that I don't remember either of us calling before, showing up nearly every day since about a week after she left, and the calls escalating in frequency at odd times of the day. Most notably was the pattern of calls to this number right before and after her work. Then it dawned on me...I had this number in my own phone book! This guy is a piece of work...a guy who I have known for years, and who has been after my W since we got together. Now, the meanness, the nonchalance with which she has walked out and the projection of her guilt onto me as the bad guy makes all the sense in the world. I have not made her aware that I know anything yet, and have decided to let her file. She recently sent me an email and actually asked if I would pay half the filing fee! Whuh? God knows how long she has been involved with him, but I have a good idea when it began. So now, should I tell her I know about the A, or just keep it to myself? I have so many mixed feelings about it, and I am not sure I even want her back now. If she would do this less than a year into our M, then why wouldn't she do it again?
Thanks KS...but not to worry, I already told her that since she is the one who wants this, it's to be all on her. It's still hard not to feel like a bit of a schmuck tho-I still have my ring on and have been 100% faithful through our entire R/M/S, and she was always telling me that she was worried I would get bored with her and stray. Funny (and sad) how that works. In some ways, it's almost a relief knowing about the A, but it's also the hardest thing I have ever had to accept. Part of me wants to keep Dbusting and try to get her to come around to working on our M, and part of me just doesn't even see the use anymore. Mind you that she hasn't admitted to anything, but it's pretty obvious that she has been seeing him through most of the S, and possibly before. Only proof so far is the cell bill and a sibling of hers who mentioned she thinks W may be seeing someone on the sly. Until this discovery I was 100% about saving the M, now I just don't know.
Well, I guess no news is better than bad news for now. Haven't heard from W in a week when I got an email full of condescending remarks, including one about my mother. Seems the guilt is wrecking her tho she doesn't realize just how miserable she must be w/ the new dude (bum). Funny thing is that I am not even jealous of the A, more disgusted and surprised in who she chose than anything. Still think she is going to file soon, but am thinking that DBing has got me nowhere through all of this, and am ready to actively start trying to persuade her into counseling or Retrouvaille. Any thoughts?
