Bob, Join the crowd, we are all confused by what is the right thing to do. All we can do is stop going down cheeseless tunnels when something doesn't work. Right now I'm at the point that I'm just resigned to the fact that my marriage is over. I'm trying to hold my head high and be strong for myself and my girls. I have to believe that things happen for a reason, and that If God brings us to it, he will bring us through it.
Be strong my friend, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I think YOYO is right I have kinda came to that same conclusion. The cheeseless tunnel has been the way I have been going a long time. I think it is time we all have the cheese... We will survive this together all of us. I have gained strength from you guys. Hugs for you tooo.....Hang in there.....
Cheeseless tunnels... The going to where nothing happens? I don't have the books in front of me now.
I guess what happened for me is that I would set a boundary and she would cross it. Over and over. And the defiance, and the anger, etc. There were a lot of things that got better. And in many ways the relationship was better than ever. And I said that to her. And those around us who would ask how things were going. But, (and I hate using "but") she wouldn't stick to agreements, MC, etc. Like to finish talking about something later. She'd say I badgered her and pressured her. I'd give her space, hours, days, week. Come back to it. Same thing. Not meeting needs, honesty and openess, blah, blah, blah. It's all in the top of this post.
I originally worked mostly with DB ideas (My counselor is tuned in to all this stuff by the way). Although these were mostly the same as Plan A from MB. I got to this Plan B/LRT cause of the false R. Counselor and I talked a lot about this. He kinda wanted me to stick it out forever even though I had the grounds to D. He talked a lot about Hosea and Gomer (Please forgive me if my churchy speak is weak. It is. I'm still getting caught up. )
I still don't want a D. Never did. I do believe that the girl I fell for almost 16 years ago is still in there somewhere. That was my hope and patience. She was awesome. And I've missed her for years. Although pyscho/DB/MB etc. helps to explain all this, I still love her and miss that girl. She was my dreams come true. She's gone now. Where too? I don't know. I tried so hard to find her and bring her back home. And I am sad.
Somewhere though, one has to make a stand. I did. And it does suck. Not proud of it, not not proud of it. But the stand had to be made. Enough is enough. She is a big girl now. Time to grow up. See original post again.
I said earlier that I did a" Jesus in the Temple". Another analogy, in churchy speak, would be "God letting Israel go" in the OT. They cursed God forsoke him etc. He had enough and let them go. But he gave them a path back. That's kinda the path I took with my wife. Your free. Do as you please. I'm here, for now. Once again stuff counselor and I discussed.
I love that man. I've not said much about my earlier years, but he's become the big brother I never had. So much he's taught me. I was raised without a dad, gpa, or any man around. All women. Maybe that's why I'm a softie for you ladies !!!
I'm babbling. I'm journaling. I really feel better by being open here. It's vulnerable and I get thumped and helped. All good in the end.
So am I here to bitch or fix? How about both. And to learn and share from others in my shoes. I don't know what the hell I'm doing here or why, but it helps and I like it. My couselor can't be there 24/7 to talk to. So I started hanging here. I think for whats happened to us all, you have to talk. Even if your confused and aren't making sense. So what. As the really the point? I don't think so. It's often been said that what we are going through is like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or the joke version Post Infedility Stress Disorder=PISD (pissed). That's probably why were here. Me just need to talk and think this out.
Anyways, you guys Rock !!! I'm still waiting for Theo to thump me again.
I'm going to back off this statement and rephrase it, "So I'll admit it, I am a Christian." to: I believe in God, I go to church, I read my Bible, I live by the principles in the Bible. I'm more spititual than a "Christian". I also read the Tao, Buddhist stuff, etc. My focus is the God/intelligence/something that brings order to all. Just listened to a cd set from Deepak Chopra and Wayne Dyer called "Living Beyond Miracles". The material in this cd set more accurately describes my personal view of faith. Theo, I'd still like to hear more from you. In the end, we are on the same page, we may just approach it from slightly different angles. I'm posting to more accurately state where I'm coming from. Thanks.
bobelina...I have said this before,it has become a broken record, I guess our stories are so,so close to each others...amazing... In regards to Hosea...as you know God tells Hosea to love his wife though she is loved by another...Hosea 3;1...the difference from my wife and Gomer ( great name) is that Gomer was repentant...my w thinks she has found her soul mate from the past( HighSchool ) and is running as fast as she can to her new found happiness, leaving everything else behind...and I mean everything( even her two little dogs )...running from me and her faith...
We all are doing DB stuff,and anything else to bring back the love of our lives, but we wait and wait, the clock keeps ticking away and it seems we get farther and farther form our loves... It is all easier said than done....you know that you need to let her go, as the prodigal Father...and then hope that they will come to themselves and return with a repentant heart...all we can do is pray and watch the horizon for them ( of coarse take care of ourselves & family ) ...its the waiting and watching part that is driving me nuts... We are in the last hours of our marriage, 17yrs and I can barley catch my breath...I do know that w/ the Lords help I have done everything I can do for our marriage and that I honored the commitment we made on our wedding day...( on the inside of our wedding bands )Ruth 1:16-17 "Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. 17 Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me." bobelina...like you I am looking for a girl who has lost her way...she has eaten to much of the Ice Queen's turkish delight...will she wake up in time ?...will she ever wake up ?... when do we stop the looking ?...there is so much at stake !....Thats all...I am a sad pup as well...SorryDog
PS ...on the positive side; my relationship w/ our Lord is where I seek my validation with Him alone...I said "seek", but I know from this all things can flow...
Yoyo !!! How are you? I teach year round at a tech school. My new semester (3 per year) starts end of Sept. I had my DD's at school Mon & Fri this week. They got to hang with the staff and students and DD8 helped out and we worked with some of her recordings in class. She was so proud. My students have nick named her "Gooble Gooble" after a song of her's she sang and that I use in some of my lessons. I wish you all the luck in the world. BoB
SorryDog, Our stories being similar. Absoufriggin'lutely. I'm so sorry for you Bro'. This pain, and to hear of it being yours also just sucks. And for Theo, and Husband, and all.
"PS ...on the positive side; my relationship w/ our Lord is where I seek my validation with Him alone...I said "seek", but I know from this all things can flow..." Ain't that the truth?!?!? I don't know how I could have lived thru this without that "validation". It is so hard to do the right thing, but doing the right thing is probably beyond most of our abilities to fully comprehend. But being able to trust in God above, makes it possible to do.
I've missed chatting with you guys lately. I hope all (other than our nightmares being well, duh ) is well. BoB
)