Sex and Validation

[fearless]

For instance, I don't respect the fact that I ate 3 cookies for breakfast this morning ...but I accept that I have a weakness when it comes to cookies.

How funny! I just wrote Raven saying that I had eaten the brownies (that this hotel leaves in your room) late last night. I don't particularly LIKE that I ate them but since I had gone on a 6 mile run last night, I woke up not feeling badly at all.

Therefore, the reason it is pretty much impossible to find a fully differentiated person is that it is pretty much impossible to find a person free of shame or fully self-respecting.

I agree but then again it's pretty impossible to find a fully enmeshed disrespecting person too. I think the problem is that when we talk about human characteristics we have to talk in generalities. Like I am a person with good "shame proneness" but that doesn't mean I don't experience shame. I also think I am fairly well differentiated but that doesn't mean that I do not have moments of fused or enmeshed behaviors. I do think that my overall differentiated being helps with identifying enmeshed behaviors/feelings more quickly so that I don't dwell in fused behavior.

I use my weight and diet issues as an example. OVERALL I am healthy and active. That doesn't mean that I eat perfectly 100% of the time and that I work out every day. if I used that as a goal, then I would have to "beat" myself up for failing every day. Instead I look at my overall diet and exercise over a week or even month so that one bad choice does NOT define me. I ate brownies last night but instead of dwelling in that place and eating brownies again today, tomorrow and the rest of the week, I will just go back to my normal healthy eating habits.

I don't think you can simply adopt the attitude "Here I am. Love me warts and all." either.

Hmmm. I guess it depends on how you fully define that attitude. I look at it as "Here I am. I have my weaknesses and issues like everyone. These are things that I acknowledge but that I am working on. I do want to become a better person but I am not there yet. If you can accept my weaknesses and live with them, great. If not, I can accept that too. Just try to be honest with yourself about your wants in a relationship."

I can be indecisive especially when I am tired, stressed and overwhelmed. I am working at improving that and understanding that issue. I don't expect (or even want) Raven to LOVE that about me. But he does have to be honest with himself that I can be that way and figure out if he can handle it without getting too aggravated and without personalizing my indecisiveness.

Does that make sense???