I realize I was kinda vague. Yes, I meant that WE have changed. Of course every sitch is different, but I think for most women that have a WAH it is the case where the H "thinks" he's fallen out of love, for whatever reason, may even decide that he never loved, and it's just them. You know how they say, "It's me, not you". thats really not true. I believe for most of us women, especially those of us with children, end up losing our true identity. the person that our Spouse fell in love with. It's very easy to fall into the mundane traps of life. And we need to always be making sure that we are taking care of ourselves, not just everyone else in our family. Because not taking care of ourselves will lead to bitterness, nagging, jealousy, false expectations, etc.
So this is where you put it in high gear and really start becoming the best YOU that You can be. Start having fun with life, enjoy life, love life. I know it's going to be hard, but like someone said earlier, make yourself and it will become you. It totally worked for me too. You won't have good days all the time, but that's okay. it's okay to be sad, angry, tired, whatever sometimes, just as long as those times are shorter than the good times. Surround yourself with positive people, positive messages, etc.
The whole point is that we are getting your H to find you interesting. Eventually he will start wondering, why is she doing so well, why is she so happy and fun now, and then he will be confused. confused about what he really wants. He thought he knew it, but now he's not so sure. So be consistent with this as best as you can so that these changes in you become real, and your H will see that. It's going to take time though, but you can do it. Have faith that your M will be restored, but continue to keep expectations at zero and be lovingly detached.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
oh, and most importantly, make these changes for YOU, not for your H, otherwise they will not last.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Can you tell me why (and in what context) you said that to your W?
The first time was in the context of discussing a separation(which she decided not to do for reasons I cannot explain). I basically said that I could not accept that we would live together as co-parents while she was carrying on an active affair in front of me and the kids. I did not make any direct statements about us being friends, etc. I just made it clear through my actions (e.g. - treated her as a party in business negociations, etc.).
MOST IMPORTANT: You make things clear to your WAH through your actions, not through your words!!!
Most recently, I asked her not to attend my birthday barbq at the neighbors (actually said I would prefer if she did not attend). This makes it clear that she is not my friend! If instead, I told her I cannot be her friend and asked her to attend, it would be obvious that my words are meaningless! At the same time, I keep it friendly when discussing logistics regarding the kids, school issues, etc. I never invite her to come with me to anything where the kids are not involved.
Hope this helps, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
um, SD, why are you not wanting her to be your friend? You are working on saving your M right?
I understand the hurt from having a WAS having an affair, but if DBing to save your M, you can't refrain from becoming friends
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
So this is where you put it in high gear and really start becoming the best YOU that You can be. Start having fun with life, enjoy life, love life.
I totally get this, ST. I'm working on it. I realize I need a LOT more fun in my life. In some ways I think I'm a much better person than I was when DH and I got together, but I'm also trying to think about the *ways* in which I've changed, which ones may have added to the distance between us, etc. Right now I'm wondering if part of what he's finding with OW is someone who needs his help, which makes him feel good. I'm not sure, though. I'm obviously not planning on becoming needy, but there may be something to him thinking I don't need him. I know he thinks he doesn't need me, right now, except as a mom to his kids and a business partner.
Quote:
The whole point is that we are getting your H to find you interesting. Eventually he will start wondering, why is she doing so well, why is she so happy and fun now, and then he will be confused. confused about what he really wants.
Yes yes yes. He's already confused about what the hell is up with me. I hope eventually he'll become confused about what he really wants. Of course what he wants right now is a wife who's happy without him, unfortunately.
Originally Posted By: SuperDad
I basically said that I could not accept that we would live together as co-parents while she was carrying on an active affair in front of me and the kids.
This is the situation I'm in right now, except that I haven't said I won't accept that. I did say it's not okay with me and that of course he'll do what he needs to. I'm actually not sure if he's in a full-blown PA, but right now I'm finding it safer to assume that he is. If I'm wrong, it's not going to change anything I'm doing. And the only way for me to know is to ask him. Then he'd either say he is (and I don't really want to hear about it) or that he's not, and if he's not but later becomes involved, he might decide to share that with me then. I guess since I've decided that for now I *am* willing to live with a PA, I'd rather not discuss it with him. I may just be protecting myself---I know that's certainly part of it---but for me it feels like the right thing to do now.
Now if he decides that he wants to share the kids with the OW by spending time together, I'll tell him how I feel about that. Of course he's going to do what he wants to, but since to me that's more about his needs than recognizing what the kids need, I'll have to say something. They currently know nothing of what's going on, and until something changes in their lives---like he moves out---I think it's important to leave them be. They don't need to know anything about how DH feels; that's all about him.
When you say "in front of the kids," do you mean that your W was hanging out with the OM with them?
Originally Posted By: SuperDad
MOST IMPORTANT: You make things clear to your WAH through your actions, not through your words!!!
I agree with you here. I think I've decided to take the route where we *are* friends, though, and that's what I'm making clear through my actions. Or maybe that we're friendly, I'm not sure. I know I'm not willing to share my feelings with him about all this right now (at least), and that's not really being a friend. And we're clearly leading very separate lives right now, which is a big help toward getting my own stuff together.
hey, I think a good book to read is For Women Only by Shaunti Feldham. It really helped me to understand how my H probably feels and what he really needed. and about this neediness your talkin about.
You can choose to set boundaries with the OW. For instance, I DID kick H out, and then I regretted it and that same week I told him I didn't want to push him out of the kids' lives quicker than needed. and we did want him there so he was welcomed at home at anytime. However, I did need for him to respect us by keeping all contact with OW outside of the house. I was very happy with that decision too. Because it gave me a chance to influence him, and he had less outside influence... the more he was home, the less he was out in the world being influenced by who knows what.
You do have to decide for yourself, what your capable of handling. Of course if having him at home causes you to stumble thru the sitch and have step backs often, then maybe it is best for them not to be there, but I think if a person can handle it, it is best that they stay at home. as long as the children are not being affected in a negative way.
I think your doing great though. keep it up
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Thanks for the book rec. I definitely tend to be oblivious, so this kind of thing can be useful for me.
As hard as it is to live with someone who doesn't want to be with me (and may want someone else), it's not proving to be too bad yet, and I know it's the best thing for the kids. I'm sure DH and I have a conversation coming up about that in the near future.
I've been wondering about where this is for me, thinking about it a lot, blah blah blah. Last night I went out with a friend---got dressed up, didn't tell DH with whom or where I was going---and had a fantastic time. I drove up around 1.30 am singing and happy, walked in the house, and went to check the (house) phone for messages. The line was in use, so I thought, those kids! Gotta find the other phone and hang it up. (Am I in lala land or what?)
Went to the kids' room (where DH is sleeping now) to look for it, heard DH whispering and thought he was talking in his sleep. His head poppped out from under the covers and he looked at me like what the hell are you doing? I said, "Hey, I'm looking for the phone." He said, "I've got the phone." I said, "Oh," walked out, shut the door, and couldn't stop an exasperated "Jesus Christ" from slipping out.
So anyway, I'd been wondering, hm, where's my boundary, la la la, and them wham. Apparently my boundary is my house. It felt like a total violation to come home to my refuge and find DH whispering to OM so late at night in bed.
If he had been sitting in the backyard talking, I don't think I would've been as bothered. The whispering under the covers got me especially.
Can I just point out the absurdity of your H whispering under the covers like a 14 year old teenaged girl afraid her Dad is going to find out she's talking to her boyfriend?
I can see how it would upset you, but that's rather pathetic. And great job on getting out of the house and having a good time.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
I think that is a perfectly understandable boundary, Puddle. I had a similar situation when my H, when he was still living here, would take his phone to his bedroom each night, when normally he just left the phone on the counter downstairs at night. I knew he was TMing the OW when he went to bed (I found out about the A by finding the TMs one night) and it made me ill to know he was in the next room doing that. It certainly didn't help my ability to sleep!
When my H moved out, it was a huge relief to know that crap wasn't going on under my roof anymore. I didn't have to walk past his closed bedroom door and wonder what was going on in there.
I guess what you have to figure out is how you are going to enforce this boundary. I'll have to go back and look because I am not sure I know where you and H are on the subject of separating or not. Are you willing to ask him to leave if he refuses to stay off the phone w/ OW in your house?
I just want to say, too, that I am sorry that he is doing that in your home. I remember the sick feeling I carried around when it was going on in my house, and it is not fun at all.
