I do think respect is key, but remember the rule that people will not tolerate any more abuse (or disrespect) than that which they will abuse (or disrespect) themselves. So if a person is willing to accept a certain level of disrespect then that also tells me that the person is uncomfortable accepting much respect (though who knows how much). To me that means the person cannot tolerate too much differentiation and “needs” a certain level of enmeshment to be comfortable. Your 2bx seems to be a good example of this.
As long as it has taken some on this board to break through the “fog” of denial about themselves, their spouse, their FOO, whatever, then it makes sense to me that making the transition to differentiation will take some time too. Too fast will feel uncomfortable.
"Why do you want to treat your wife like a china doll?"
I don’t think this statement is the same. To me, treating someone like a china doll is not a show of respect but a show of fear, intimidation and weakness.
