WAW filing for D

[dlt1]

Before OT comes over her and hits you in the head -- STOP TALKING TO YOUR W ABOUT THE R.

See my last thread for more details.

BD

Could you just post this everyday for me? I hate that I overthink and rationalize.
Stop stop stop. I appreciate you guys playing the broken record for me. Trust me, as you can see, I do not take advice as easily as i dole it out. It has to be beaten into me.

[Heimlich]

I lived it so you don't have to. Actually, the more you talk and the less you get back, the less self-respect you start having for yourself. At least that's how I was starting to feel.

I am so ready to move.

BD

[Handful of Rain]

OK dlt1, I am going to offer my advice on everything you said, I hope I don't offend you, by doing this. Believe me, it is hard to hear someone tell you things you don't want to hear, but I've learned through all of this, that it is things I needed to hear and once I listened it helped a lot.

I take a lot from what you posted. I can't get my head straight on what I am doing for me, b/c I always think about the effect it could have, or I hope it to have, on W and our M.

OK, first of all like I'm sure you know, and believe me it is hard, but try to focus on you, not her. I feel the same way, wondering what effect my actions will have on my W, and if so will it be a positive or negative reaction from her. I have learned that, no matter what I do, W is going to see those things in her own way, so I had to ask myself, Do I want to be a man, or a mouse? I am a man, not a mouse. So I try to do things to better me, Whether your W is responding or not, the truth is, no matter what you do, she is in her own way watching. So no matter, if whether you fail or succeed, she will know.

My biggest change needed is to delve deeper into my W's feelings, express mine openly and in control, and put forth effort to engage in activities with my W. How am I doing this while separated and staring a Divorce in the face?

While all of that is good, and will help your R with her, You know her better than I do, I would just use caution on that, And try not to focus on the separation and D, Do some things that make you happy, like a hobby or something to take your mind off of it. In short GAL!(that is a hard one too, I know)

As far as I can tell, some of these are goals and some of these are signs, I had a hard time distinguishing the two from one another in my own sitch, so I am going to tell which I think is which.

1. I am unsure of digging into W right now, fear it will push her away. 180 would be to come out and ask...is this ok?

I think this one is a goal, You want to understand her, but once again use your better judgement, you know her better than I do

2. I have been expressing my feelings to anyone who will listen. I think I am at a poit where I can control them 80% of the time. I have discussed my past feelings with W. Prolly not at a point where I can discuss current, as they may push her away.

Another great goal, It is good to talk and get the feelings out, not sure I would discuss them with W, anymore though, save it for your C, a friend you trust or post them here.

3. Getting into some sort of shape. Didn't push biking with W b/c she had been working out for so long, I felt I would slow her down. (IDIOT!)

Going to take dogs for a bit on weekends. Keeps me busy, stay in touch w/ dogs, adds to getting in shape (will walk at parks).
Trying to engage people and talk to them. Will help me to make friends. Would like chance to interact with W's new friends again. What will the results be:

These 2 are definitely good sounding goals, and keep inviting your W, if you want to, but just be prepared for her to decline, don't let it stop you from doing it, Don't let it hinder your PMA. As far as W's new friends once again, use caution, they are probably biased, and may be a blessing or a curse.

A. I feel better physically. I have more energy and a positive outlook.
B. I have wonderfully stronger and closer realtionships with many friends, as well as with my parents. I have learned the value of a true friend, and the importance of family. I will never take either for granted again. If my W will try, we will have an open and honest line of communication that will be the foundation of a M like I never imagined (or allowed myself to fully explore).

Now these are great, kind of mixed Goals with signs, but that is OK, and you are right, it will make all your R's stronger than ever! including yours and your W's.

C. My W will feel that I understand her, that I am willing to talk to her openly. That I will not judge her. My W will feel loved in a way she has not for many months at least.

Lastly, this one is a definitely a great goal, and you will know when it starts to show, by the sign that she will tell and show you with her actions that she feels it. Great one!

Will I get there on all 3 counts??? Just have to stay tuned, these are the days of our lives

Amen, Bro, Only time will tell. I am rooting for you all the way! Take care.

[Handful of Rain]

Hey Heimlich, What ever happened to CVA? I know his thread locked up, Do you know if he posted a new one, yet? Take care.

[Handful of Rain]

Heimlich, Never mind, I found him. I've hi-jacked dlt1's post too much, LOL. Take care.

[Willing NJ H]

My W feels like she told me. I can;t say for sure, But I do not remeber her actually saying I am unhappy. She asked if I thought counseling would work. She asked if I wanted to do diff things together. She always asked me, but never told me what she wanted. Never said, I would like us to go to counseling. I honestly do not know if it would have mattered. I was keeping everything in, and wasn't trying to understand the divide between us. My hope is all but gone. Just a sliver for now. She is not one to change her mind - right or wrong. I have opportunity to interact with her, probably more so than the initial 30 day separation. I can only hope that she will like what hse sees as I work on making myself happy without her. It's so difficult on days like today when I can't get my mind off of her. Good times, bad times, what ifs. Why can't she just take this opportunity with me?

DlT, this sounds so much like my sitch, that I could've written the same exact words. I have no idea if we can get through to them at all. She thought she told me, I know she never said it clearlt or outright, and I also know that I probably wouldn't have received it as well as I would today. The thing that gets me the most, is everyone says that she will probably realize it after we've both moved on and say "what the hell did I do?" after it's too late.

I guess Kelly hit the flip side of my question and one of the reason I'm still trying. My W failed me, but I also failed her. I wasn't happy and I didn't bring it up either. I thought my unhappiness was all work and weight related, but there was a large element of not being happy with her that I was pushing off and blaming on other things. Sounds a little odd, but I felt like we were in love, so it couldn't be her fault I was this unhappy.

I hear ya HEIM! I felt we were had enough going for us, to get through the tough times some day. I never dreamed she would give up without trying as a team!


HANDFUL, i've never seen your posts before, but awesome advice. I found some of your points heklpful as well, and don't have much to add. Good stuff!

DLT, I know i'm hitting the begining of the stage that NOMO and HEIM are in. Want it to work, am starting not to like her a whole lot, and don't like the person I see her becoming. I'm breaking this thought process, but I guess it's all part of the process. After I began detaching more, I started seeing things a little different. I don't know that my W will ever change her stubborn mindset, but I know i'll be happy with me no matter what happens. Things do get easier, just be patient brother.

[Handful of Rain]

Willing NJ H, Thanks, I've been on this board since May, and believe me, back then, I was the last person you would ever thought would be giving advice, I was one of the most bitter, angry, confused, and lost person, most of the people here, have ever seen. I ticked off a lot of people with my attacking and negativity. But once I told myself to shut up and listen to what they have to say, it sank in, I only hope that I can do as well, when I give advice, as the people on here, gave me. Take care.

[dlt1]

You guys have been too kind today (as always)!
Rain, I appreciate the breakdown of my list. I try to remeber that these are not goals I will reach, or even see progress towards, in the next weeks, perhaps months. I want it all now, patience is wearing thin, so I am working to reaffirm my patience.
I guess one key that may differ from some of you is that I like who my W is becoming. just don't like that it isn't designed to be something I benefit from. She is friends with at least one ex boyfriend, and perhaps another. She hopes we will have that too. I have opportunity the next few days to be that to her. One positive through this is I feel we have reestablished that friendship. I kept looking at it as the first step towards repairing our M. I need to not have an end game for my friendship building. The end just needs to be our friendship. And of course, No R talk, no R talk, no R talk will be the biggest key to getting there. For all intensive purposes I am giving up on the M. It is of course, easier said then done. and I know it's not that I don;t want a great M with her, but I can not work on that goal without her. She will have to bring me back to that point. Until then, I am working on me and being a friend to W. It is so difficult to get my brain on board. You guys are the biggest help I have in staying the course. Or gettig back on course when I slip off. Thank you for socking it to me, please don;t stop. Whenever I am with W I just fall back into fix it mode. I have to stop, as it tears me down more than anything she says. As we work on dividing our belongings, I do see it as a biz deal. Trying to be fair but firm. We both are. That will be the hardest, as i expect a lot of emotion regardless of our efforts to avoid it. Just have to remeber to excuse myself if I feel I am unable to keep it together.
Last thought. I left her msg last night regarding my place to stay 1st week of Sept, and to set up time for me to come by to pick up a check she has to get me from our savings. Left another msg today askig her to call so I know it;s Ok to come by tomorrow. No word, I get angry when she does not have the courtesy to respond. I have to get this money in order to send my final payment for my Labor Day vacation home. She knows this. I like feeling anger right now. Gives me an edge on myself that she isn't the perfect W. It's helping me keep an emotional distance. But I still need my damn money! LOL. Guess I;ll just hav eto drop by. Hate to do it, but that's my only option.
(I never got the savings acct info as she set it up at her bank, and she avoided finalcial discussions regarding joing banks). Otherwise I could just get it myself.
I did well last week not contacting her except one time when I just txted to let her know I had to go by the house. Thsi week is a bit different, but I'd like to get this taken care of so I can drop back again and not contact her. I'm trying.
Get to see C tomorrow. I jotted notes of what I want to address thsi time. Seems I have glossed over things with C sometimes b/c my mood has been better when I see her. So I forget about some key issues I need to address and work on. Hope that gets my on a more solid path.

[Handful of Rain]

dlt1, you are doing super, I think you are harder on yourself than we have been, we are just try to tell you what we think will work for you, We are all still going through this, it's just that some of us, through trial and error have learned what works for us, So we try to help others, so they don't fall into the traps that we have been snared into.

Every feeling you have is valid, I know I have all of them still, to this day. the whole patience and anger ones are the hardest ones, to get through. especially the patience one, cause that one never goes away.

I want to commend you on your ability to not chase her, I've made that mistake so much, in the past, I even at first, fell asleep over at her house, a few times, part of it due to wanting to be near her and the kids, and part of it due to just plain exhaustion from all the things going on in my life, till she told me that that I had to stop it. Then came the OM, and Man, did I chase, mostly out of concern for her and the kids, and Man, did she run then. But you know that no matter how much she ran, she would always stop sooner or later, and talk to me. Now it is different, I am not chasing, so it may take a while, but I know that sooner or later she will want to talk to me. Her curiosity will get the better of her, and she will want to know what I am up to. And now with her finding out about my dream job, I look for it, soon.

Once again, I can't stress enough that friendship is the way to go, and you are on the right track, take a tip from Strange, he has never let his sitch get hostile, he has always managed to keep that friend mentality. He is a good role model for us all.

Anytime you need anything, just post it, and I will come running, although, next week, I will start my dream job, I will still check in on your thread, when I have the time. Keep up the good work. Take care.

[dlt1]

I think I need to be hard on myself to avoid slipping backwards. I can read thread after thread, but then lose it all when I approach mi sitch.
Thanks for the coping/detachment link. Read it a bit last night. Printed it out today so I can have it handy.
Still finding myself mad that W won't call me back. But, that displeasure will be vented before i see/speak to her. All Smiles and PMA.
Looking forward to hearing about how your Dream Job begins!
I should get to talk about my promo sometime this week or next. Not quite my dream, but a nice step. I mentioned it to W, and she was genuinely excited and happy for me. I have to remember that she is a kind and caring person. She just does not know how to handle R's and is just getting to dig into knowing herself. I can't help her with that. I want to, and that is the old habit I fight every day.
Spent 3 hours trying to get my home network running last night. Just like my M, no prgress! LOL
I think I've honed in on the problem. Just have to find a solution. This I can fix, I just don't know how yet