Frustrated and More Saddened #3

[stewart10]

Thanks WAW.

As far as telling your friend that things had not improved, I wouldn't call it alien spew necessarily. She may just be stating the obvious. For her things may not have improved.

I suppose you are right. It may be the obvious. Just that some things seem to be getting better. When this all first started I would not hear from her ever. Now, I get a text when she gets up, get texts randomly throughout the day asking how day is going etc. Also, she has been less cold to me lately. But I know you are probably right. I was just looking for the silver lining and telling myself she just said that because she knew he would tell me whatever she said. That is just my unreal view of reality. When reality stinks so bad, I tend to try and look at it through a different light to soften the blow.

I told the MC that I wanted for H & I to work on being friends, learning to trust each other before anything else could happen. Baby steps. Don't let this discourage you.

Good plan. I wish that she would go to MC with me. She has been dragging her feet on this. I think it may be because she is afraid the truth will come out in the sessions. I am looking at the baby steps, sometimes seeing some that aren't there I guess.

On the anniversary front, I saw her this morning before I left for work. No mention by her of anniversary. Saw her for lunch. No mention by her of anniversary. Tonight I will leave her a simple card and gift on the counter. Maybe some flowers too. Just so she can have something when she gets home for the anniversary. Well, that is if she comes home tonight. It is still an important day for me.

[waw1978]

Stew

Just wondering how yesterday was. Hope your okay.

[stewart10]

Hey WAW:

Yesterday goes down as a day I would just like to forget about. Saw her before I left for work, and she made no mention of anniversary. Saw her at lunch and she said nothing about the anniversary. Talked to her once while she was @ work and she said nothing of the anniversary. She texted me at midnight sayign she was going to the gym. I just left her card and flowers on the table. She got home about 2 a.m. and went right into the shower. I think I heard her crying in there and it just about broke my heart. When she came out I was awake and tried to be happy and upbeat. I think it worked because she was kind of down when she got out of the shower, but shortly thereafter she seemed better. But she still did not say anything to me about the anniverary. That kind of hurt a bit. I tried to keep low expectations so that I would not be disappointed. But I at least expected her to acknowledge the day. Oh well, shows what the problem is with expectations.


Why does she feel like she has to go through this alone? Why won't she just talk to me about it?

[waw1978]

Stew,

I am truly sorry that the anniversary went down like that. I know you didn't expect much, but were at least hoping for acknowledgement. (((Hugs)))

For me, I don't share a lot with my H just yet because I do not trust him to be understanding and caring. Since he spent so much time (still does) trying to convince me at my feelings are "in my head" he has lost the privledge of being my confidant. I too am guilty of the "going it alone". Mostly because I am afraid of my H's reaction. I spent so long building the walls around my castle so I wouldn't get hurt that now its very hard to let down the drawbridge. He hasn't learned that validation is the way to a WAS heart.

I think you W is still afraid to open up. Then there are the other factors, which is that she may be suffering from depression and there may be someone else. Both of these things can cause shame and deep guilt. She may be very anguished over all of this. Crying in the shower...typical. I used to cry in my car, the shower, in bed. All alone. I never wanted my H to see me hurting because I coudl not handle any more rejection or indifference. My dog became my rock. She would always listen and never judge. i know, i will probably end up being the dog lady (cats aren't my thing) in my neighborhood when i am old and alone. Yes, that was meant to make you chuckle.

I know you are not my H. You sound like a much better man who has learned quite a bit from your experiences but it will take time for your W to see that. I wish she would see a DR and find out about depression. I think if she were on medication or getting counseling she would be able to think more clearly and deal with her feelings.

PS: I think you are in the NYC area, no?

Maybe I am wrong but if you are I need some sight seeing advice.
I will be in NYC around Labor Day. Any interesting things/shows/concerts in the park that I should check out? I lived in NYC for 6 months about 10 years ago so I really have no idea what goes on there anymore. Also any nightclubs that I should hit while I am there? This was my solution to H going to LA/LV...I am GAL and going to NYC for a few days.

[Kelley]

Stew,
I have found out to keep your expectations low or don't expect anything from them then you won't be disappointed when things don't happen. I have wrote my H letters just saying I was sorry about things that I did but he has never even acknowledged them to me. I just keep the hopes up that maybe he will either keep them or maybe they will help him to soften up his heart if/when he is ready.

[stewart10]

WAW:

Thank you so much for the response. You really have no idea how helpful you have been for me and I am sure to several others on this board.

I am truly sorry that the anniversary went down like that. I know you didn't expect much, but were at least hoping for acknowledgement.

That is exactly right. I was not expecting much, but I was expeceting something. I got nothing, and it serves me right.

For me, I don't share a lot with my H just yet because I do not trust him to be understanding and caring. Since he spent so much time (still does) trying to convince me at my feelings are "in my head" he has lost the privledge of being my confidant. I too am guilty of the "going it alone". Mostly because I am afraid of my H's reaction. I spent so long building the walls around my castle so I wouldn't get hurt that now its very hard to let down the drawbridge. He hasn't learned that validation is the way to a WAS heart.

This is interesting to me. I believe that my W feels pretty similar to you. Although I never minimilized her concerns, she still seems to have such thcik walls built. Don't know how long it is gonig to take to get through them but I have my DB hammer and I plan on using it.

I think you W is still afraid to open up. Then there are the other factors, which is that she may be suffering from depression and there may be someone else. Both of these things can cause shame and deep guilt. She may be very anguished over all of this.

This is what concerns me the most right now. I do believe that she is suffering from depression and I truly want to see her get the help that she needs. If there is someone else, there is not much I can do about that. Just is going to hurt that she is lying to me all this time. But it would certainly explain a lot of her behaviors. I don't like to see her upset or struggling so I really hope she gets some help soon. What would you think about me making an appointment for her to see somebody? She has already expressed an interest in going but has not made an appointment yet. Maybe I will ask her if she wants me to do that for her? I am really concerned about this now.

I never wanted my H to see me hurting because I coudl not handle any more rejection or indifference.

She has told me that she does not want me to see her upset. I don't understand why this is. I know you have said you don't want to be upset in front of him because you don't want more indifference from him. I understand that. I cannot understand why she does not want me to see her upset. Don't think I ever will.

My dog became my rock. She would always listen and never judge. i know, i will probably end up being the dog lady (cats aren't my thing) in my neighborhood when i am old and alone. Yes, that was meant to make you chuckle.

Thanks. I did have a chuckle even before reading the last sentence. I am not much of a cat person either, but I do love dogs.

I know you are not my H. You sound like a much better man who has learned quite a bit from your experiences but it will take time for your W to see that.

I don't know about being a better man, but I have learned a lot and most importantly I learned that what I was doing was not working so I needed to try something different. Thank God I found this site, otherwise I would probably be in the midst of a terrible divorce right now.

will be in NYC around Labor Day. Any interesting things/shows/concerts in the park that I should check out? I lived in NYC for 6 months about 10 years ago so I really have no idea what goes on there anymore. Also any nightclubs that I should hit while I am there? This was my solution to H going to LA/LV...I am GAL and going to NYC for a few days.

That is a great idea on the GAL front. Let me think about this and get back to you. I am in the NYC area, but am not much of a city guy. I tend to like to spend my time in the great outdoors like fishing, golfing etc...

[stewart10]

Thanks Kelley:

I have found out to keep your expectations low or don't expect anything from them then you won't be disappointed when things don't happen.

That was the plan. I thought that I was keeping my expectations low, but I guess there is no predicting WAW's. The only thing steady about her right now is her unsteadiness. Never know what I am gonig to get from day to day.


On a positive note, I just got a text from her saying "thanks for the card, im sorry". I texted her back and told her you are welcome and what are you sorry for. She said for not doing anything for anniversary. I told her she did not have to apologize just that I wanted her to know I was thinking about it and that I didn't expect her to do anything for anniversary. So a day late but at least she acknowledged the anniversary, albeit she still did not say "happy anniversary". She just texted me back saying she was thinking about it too. I feel like I should respond but not sure what to say. I feel like it was a good exchange and maybe I should just let it go as it is. Why is this so hard?

[Heimlich]

Stew,

Don't sweat the belated acknowledgement on the anniversary. Take heart that you got one. I only know that my W received the card I sent her because I saw it in her purse (getting our check book, not snooping).

Keep working on you. She's still not moved out and while she's not working on the R, it doesn't seem like she's given up all hope yet.

And, it's hard because it's worthwhile.

[stewart10]

thanks heim.

I do have to remember that as bad as things seem for me, there are others that are dealing with much worse. I am one of the lucky ones.

And, it's hard because it's worthwhile.

That's right. Got to remind myself why I am going through all this. The ultimate reward is definitely there. Thanks for putting things back into perspective.

[stewart10]

Well.....

Had a pretty bad night last night. W stayed out at her friends' house. She did call when she got there. That is not the source of my bad night.

I was trying to do some cleaning around the house yesterday after work. Came across a bank statement from her account that she opened in her own name. There was a charge on there for planned parenthood. I may be naive when it comes to this kind of thing, but that cannot be a good thing. I mentioned early on in my first thread that my w is unable to produce eggs without medication. But my W and I both have health insurance and she already has a very good doctor. Why would she be going to PP? We haven't been intimate since April, I think. Please help me out here. What should I think about this? And it wasn't like I was snooping. Just kind of came across it. Needless to say, it kind of put me in a bad mood. Is there a explanation for this?