White Flag

[Kettricken]

I thought this, from tripod, was worth repositioning:

I guess there was a certain amount of giving up. There was a bit of depression at first, because I truly believed that I was just going to be "stuck here". But then when my wife started to work through her bipolar issues, and started to become a noticably nicer person, I just decided that as long as I had to be married to her, I may as well be nice about it.....and then things just started to roll in a positive direction. The first step was kindof depressing though....because it kindof involved "giving up all hope".

Once I lowered my expectations....things just seemed a whole lot better, and not NEARLY as bad as I had feared.

This dovetails uncannily with some thoughts I was having this morning. I don't thinking "giving up all hope" is ideal .... but I am coming around rapidly to the side of giving up on expectations.

The minute you have expectations of your mate (not basic human decency expectations so much as the "relationshippy" expectations), everything becomes "They Should". "Why aren't they; They Should!" This seems to lead inevitably to a chronic sense of entitlement. You are combative and filled with resentment when they aren't fulfilling your desires at all, and even when they do to a degree, your response may well take the form of "Well, it's about goddamned time, now keep it up!"

It just reminded me of what I've heard and believe about forgiveness ... that it as much for our benefit as for those we are forgiving. Letting go of expectations may be the same. Then we can hopefully at least find some peace in our own hearts, and receive positive gestures from our partners with true appreciation, without measuring them against some idealized laundry list of the things They Should be doing.

I mean, it may well be that They Should be doing all the stuff we want ... why would they not choose to, if they want us to be happy and it's within their powers? So it's not unreasonable to make what we WANT very clear and leave it at that -- you don't ask, you don't get -- as long as we don't frame it as what we NEED and put the pressure on accordingly. But after that, leave the ball in their court; what they choose to offer us is ultimately their responsibility and really none of our concern in many ways.

This strikes me as very much a control issue; if we quit pushing and trying to *make* them give us what we want, is that the same as giving up on what we want and admitting we don't deserve it and/or may never get it? No, but it can sure feel that way....

It all reminded me of that scene in the third Indiana Jones movie where Indy has just seen Ilsa fall down into the bowels of the earth trying to grasp the Grail just out of her reach ... only to stretch and strain, dangling over the same chasm, trying desperately to reach the same elusive prize: "Indiana ... Let it go."

I think there can be an unexplored, unexpected "leap of faith" power to "letting it go"....

... on our own mental/emotional balance, if nothing else.