Hi Lin, as I've told you before....you are my hero. I think a lot of people have been helped by you....I hope that will give you a sense of great accomplishment. I know it came with a high price. I believe you did make this bb a ministry for the broken and hurting. I am glad to know you don't plan on leaving anytime soon, b/c, I for one, still need you! I know your life is full, which is good, but I want you to keep doing the good work on here....plus, I'm just selfish enough to want you to talk to me! (lol)
I know that my H has come a long way. He leaves me along for hours at a time....where before, he would not trust me with the computer and contacting the OM while he was out of the house. That is one reason, I think, he got so behind in his work...he wouldn't leave the house long enough and could not consentrate on what he was doing. Anyway, he is working more steady now, so that helps a lot. Slowly, we will get caught up on the house payments.
We aren't to the point of being all "lovie-dovie" yet....but we weren't like that before everything went haywire. So, as I have described in my posts....we are back to where "normal" was for us before. I think we feel comfortable now. I know I feel so much better without all that nasty stress and confusion in my heart. I don't feel like my blood pressure is so high that I'm going to stroke out.
When I'm on the computer, I leave the door wide open so he can come in anytime to see what I'm doing and, of course, he can tell that I don't act guilty when he does. I think he may still check out the history to see where all I've been....I don't know. But, it's ok with me. I know in time, he'll be ok.
I still miss him not sleeping in the same bed with me. But he hasn't done that in almost twenty years....so he may never do it again. People just get set in their ways and it's hard for them to change. As I told you in my early posts, he always stayed up late to watch TV and would never go to bed at the same time as I did, so I missed the cuddling and talking that I felt was necessary for intimacy. So, when he WOULD go to bed with me, I knew it was for sex, and of course, I resented it and felt like a prostitute. Therefore, we still have a lot of work to do in that area of our M. I know in my heart that if I was to "come on" to him, he would respond, but I have not been able to get that desire for him yet.
I have almost gotten completely over the OM.....I think. I am doing it by my "will" (not heart) and with God's strength, b/c I know that the flesh is very weak. Last night, I was "tempted" to just check him out to see what he was doing...you know...just make a light contact. Oh boy! Did I ever see where that was coming from! Even when you don't give in to the temptation....it hangs on to you for what seems like forever. I knew I wasn't going to do it...but the desire was still there. When I tried to go to sleep...that old thing of wanting to fantasize about him kept popping up in my mind.
I know I can beat that....but Lin, what I am concerned about...and I don't really know how to put it into words.....is my over-all "feelings" or attitude toward my M and homelife...do you know what I mean? I want to feel the desire and happiness to cook and clean house and do things for my H. I want to have "energy" to get involved with life. The biggest turn-on to him is to see my excited and full of happiness. But, that hasn't happen in a very long time. Partly.....my health issues, some of it was our kids' problems, etc, etc, etc,.....like everyone else....life's problems in general. I deal with a certain level of depression that I have to fight almost daily. I still do not want to take the medication....since I could not tell they helped. I guess the struggle with it gets to be a bit much and I am tempted to just "give in" to it some days.
I have, however, got involved in a job at church that I thought was gone forever. Well, I didn't state that very well. But, I worked with kids of all ages over the years and I thought that I was ......how shall I say it?......past all that. I had worked with young adults for a long time and really did not want to work with teenagers anymore. Well, I won't go into the long story, but it is just amazing how God works, isn't it? I was put on a committe at church to work with the teenagers and ended up being their teacher! Last Wednesday night was the first night to go in their class. I did not know how they would receive this old lady (lol) but I just went in completely depending on God and I did not try to be another teenager with them (you know what I mean) and was who I was. It was great!! I was so excited when I got home that I could not sleep. The past two weeks before was just great at church and I felt like the Lord was doing something....but I never dreamed it was this. I just thought I was getting my heart right again. You know, sometimes we may finally get it right, but then the Lord starts giving you those good feelings. It's great!
So, I hope that is what will happen in my M also. You told me that and I am hoping it will.
Take care....my H just brought me some supper. I'm going to go eat.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi...thank you for such a wonderful compliment...I am so glad to hear you sounding so good...you really sound so much stronger then when you first came here... You are definitely on the road to recovery...and you have come a long way...just keep putting one foot in front of the other...baby steps...
I thought I might find you here ! I have been thinking a lot about you lately, found your thread on MLC but it has been locked for a while, wanted to post a thread for just YOU but thought you might think it strange....
Well, nothing much is up here, I just wanted to let you know that you have never left my thoughts....
I hope all is well with you xx
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
imLin......I was re-reading some of your posts and I just wanted to tell you about my daughter. She was diagnosed as a very "brittle" Type I Diabetic when she had just turned 15 years old. I did know what that word "brittle" meant whent the medical staff kept using it. But, it meant that she could not get the blood sugar under control. It would bounce all over the place regardless of how she ate, took care, or not. Well, over the years she has come so close to death's door that it is unreal. She is on diability now and her poor little body has been through so very much....she barely weighs over a 100 lbs. She is tired of fighting to stay alive and that worries me.
I don't tell you all this to make you feel badly or to cause you more distress over your own husband's diabetes. But, sweetie, trust me when I say, that as a parent of a Type I Diabetic....and in teenage rebellion to boot....you have to sort of use the same techniques on them as you do in DB. It is horrible for the loved one who is sort of their "care-giver" in lots of ways. However, as the very first doctor told my D, it is her disease....not her mother's. She has to take responsibility. Well, the sad thing about it was that she really thought that she was going to die any minute and so she tried to burn the candle at both ends and really messed her life up. Very long story and wouldn't even start to tell it. However, to show God's grace and to show that He is in control....she will turn 41 next month. (I got pregnant with her the first month I was married, and she was born 2 weeks early. If she had come any earlier, she would have embarrased us.....lol) Anyway.....the thing is this....the very first doctor she had, unfortunately, told her she would never live to see 25! Isn't that something? That was one reason she went into a tail-spin of rebellion, plus she was very, very mad at God for allowing that to happen to her.
Well, I could go on and on about it, but the thing I had to learn was to certainly use tough love....at the pert. times. When it comes to their diet, excersise, etc.....we can't control them or force them to do what we want them to do....or not to do. Just like in our MR! It is so hard.....I know! I would get so frustrated with her I could have pinched her head off. I cried, begged, threatened.......everything I could think of, but nothing worked. Sound familiar? Yes, it is hard to see them doing things that we know is killing them slowly, but it is their choice and you know what? They resent it terribly when we are always reminding them they are a diabetic.....(not that you do, but I'm just saying what has happen to my D) as if they had forgotten! My BIL would always say something to my D every time we had a family holiday meal about she shouldn't be eating something cause she had diabetes. Amazing! Did he think she forgot? lol
She has had people who barely know her, but know she is a diabetic, look in her shopping cart to see what type groceries she is buying....and make a comment about it. I could go on and on with stories about her experience at the hospital and the mistreatment from the medical staff b/c they thought she was there due to her "misbehavior".......never would think of treating a cancer patient like that! Guess you could compare to the way some Aid's patients are treated.
Oh, sorry, didn't mean to go on so long about all that. But, I do understand your frustration with your H in that catagory. Just something we kind of have in common. So, look me up and vent all you want to. Besides, it's your turn to vent to me....lol.
Last edited by sandi2; 08/26/0701:49 AM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
H is doing much better...for the most part anyway...of course not having his own money at the moment sort of slows him down some...he is type 2...but it isn't really bad...he can pretty much eat a normal diet...but with his high cholseterol he really has to watch the fats...because the medications for that have resulted in making him sick...and when I quit buying the junk he wanted his cholesterol went down to below what it was with meds!
So my point was proved...he could control it without meds...but it is something that HE has to do...and soon he will be having his own money...so time will tell then...
sorry to hear things are so hard for you daughter...I lost 2 dear friends to diabetes...sisters...their father died of it as well...and their brother overdosed after they all died...their poor mother lost her whole family in just a few years...but she is a trooper!
I have a friend now that doesn't take care of her diabetes...I worry about her....and while I did summer camp there was a young girl...type 1 since about age 2!...she refused to admit to needing to take care of herself...we did what we could at camp...making sure she had eaten breakfast...making sure she tested herself...sometimes her sugars were over 500!!!!...I really don't know what will happen to her...I wanted to tell her about my friends...but figured that it wasn't my place and that her parents might not appreciate my input...it is just a very sad thing....I hope your daughter continues on taking care of herself as best she can...
BTW...what does "brittle" mean in connection to diabetes...I have never heard that...
The term "brittle" may not even be used anymore. But back then it meant that regardless of how strict she stayed with her diet...anything could make her sugar go haywire.....her monthly period could send her nearly over the top. That is what the hospital staff could not understand and would acuse her of eating candy or something....and treat her so shamefully. But like I said, I've not heard that term used much anymore. Kids go through a long period that they want to pretend they don't have diabetes, b/c they want to be like the other kids and don't want to be different.....but mostly they don't want to accept the fact this is something that is not going to go away and they are going to go to bed with it and wake up with it. I don't know how parents handle it with very small children! My D is on an insulin pump now....it has saved her life. She was about to die every month when she would have her period, but the doctor was afraid to do a hysterectomy on her due to the risk factor. However, we finally found a woman doctor that did it and shortly afterwards she got the insulin pump.....and has done better about keeping her out of the hospital. I have seen her sugar go up to almost 700 and the doctors would be astonished that she was not unconscious! I also learned that they could actually walk around and be in a "diabetic comma"....which I did not realize. I thought a comma was where they were like....none responsive...but there is such a thing as a level of diabetic comma (according to what I was told) to where they don't really realize what they are doing and don't remember it....but somebody can lead them around and tell them what to do. This happen during one of my D's big rebellion periods and she was not living at home.....it was almost too late when someone found her and got her to ER.
The hardest thing for me to see her, as an adult, is the fact that she smokes! Has since she sneaked around as a teen and did it. It is like holding a gun to her head....but she won't stop. The only time she ever stopped was while she was pregnant with her only child (a miracle baby!) and then when she started back....I cried myself sick. But, I can't make her stop....nobody can. That is one of those things we have to turn over to the Lord. She has told many people that the only reason she is alive today is due to the prayers that have gone up on her behalf....and she is right about that! She still doesn't eat the type of diet she should, but again, nobody can force her to do that. Everyone is truely surprised that she is still alive after so many years of her body being put through so much. She has other complications the disease has caused and she has had sugeries from her eyes down to her toes. I can't even remember them all. But.....she is still here...alive, and I thank God for that.
She was staying with us recovering from surgery when she discovered my messages to the OM on the computer. She never said a word. Even after I tried to bring it up about her dad and I having problems, she never mentioned it. Finally, she told me that she knew about OM before her dad did. I wanted to die! She had read all the sexual fantasy stories I had written to him and all my email and IM. Although it was wrong of her to read my personal mail, I was too humilitated to feel anger toward her. When she calls the house it is usually to talk to her dad. She is not ugly toward me or even cold, but I think I have disappointed her greatly. I was her Sunday school teacher for many years and I let her down. For so many of her teen years she was mad at God and thought Christians (except for a very few) were all fake....I have wondered if she will think that about me now. I have not talked anymore about the OM to her, but just have tried to live out my life in front of her, hoping that time will heal any pain I have caused. I truely think she has forgiven me, and she said she knew that I was just human and that her dad had not given me much attention the past several years, but also she thought...in her words....that her dad "worshipped me". I wonder if she will get over the disappointment. I think if it had been my mother......Oh Lord....I would have been awful! Maybe I raised her up to be a pretty good girl after all! Hope so.
Lin, I know it worries you about your H. You have been through so much in the past. I pray that he will take better care of himself once he is able to get his hands on whatever he chooses. Sometimes, adults are worse than the kids.....at least we can discipline children! Well......those smaller than us. lol
Take care, Sweetie, and I'll talk at ya later.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
