(Cobra) But my point is that other-validation per se is NOT bad. In fact, there should not be anything wrong with it if both people could be trusted to hold up their end of the validation duty.
I disagree with this though I think maybe the disagreement is only semantic.
Other-validation is bad per se because I can't be other-validated if I'm already self-validated. Also, I can't trust *anybody* to hold up their end of the validation duty except myself.
Let me give you an example of what I mean, which may illustrate why I say the difference may only be semantic. One of the things I've done to build a post-divorce life is take up swing dancing. Almost all the women I've run into at various dances have been very polite and the etiquette, at least in this area, is not to turn anybody down who asks you to dance. Some women I've danced with seem to enjoy my style and are complimentary. They seem enthusiastic when I ask them to dance and sometimes even seek me out. Other women are much less enthusiastic and I've gotten the vibe from them that they don't really enjoy how I dance. I can think of at least three women that I won't ask to dance again because while they're polite about it, they appear to regard it as chore (though they're enthusiastic about dancing with other people). One woman in particular seems to wish she was far, far away whenever I'm in her field of view.
None of these women validate me one way or the other. I know I'm a good dancer. I know I have a tremendous amount still to learn and a lot of potential for improvement. I'm not immune to the differences in how I feel when dancing with enthusiastic vs. non-enthusiastic women, though. It's a lot more fun dancing with someone who's enjoying themselves, so I make sure to pick out those ladies who seem to be having fun with me. If a song gets played that I particularly enjoy, I try to find one of those women. I'm not impervious and above it all, emotionally.
So maybe when you say that other-validation isn't bad per se, you're meaning it's okay to allow another's reaction to us to determine whether or not we enjoy being around them. I'm saying other-validation *is* bad per se because by definition it's allowing another's reaction to us to determine whether or not we enjoy being *us*.
But now (if you replace "dancing" with "sex") you *are* talking about what CeMar and I are talking about.
So you seek out a parter because they enjoy being with you. What if you then entered into a contractual agreement to dance professionally with ONLY that partner......and then you found out later that they never liked dancing with you at all.....or they changed their style and didn't like dancing with you any longer.
I can already hear you say that it wouldn't effect the way that you feel about yourself as a dancer....but you've already admitted that you "are not impervious and above it all emotionally".
What if you then knew that there were other partners who would really be happy to dance with you.....but you were contratually obligated to never do so. You love dancing....but you can never do so with a partner that really wants to dance with you ever again. You're resigned to either dancing all by yourself, or breaking your contract. In some ways, it can almost ruin an emotional activity that you hold near and dear to your heart.
In your own illustration, I see the potential for exactly what CeMar talks about all the time.....but may not be communicating very well....
