Need advice on WAW with OM

[svejk]

I need some advice on the LRT/going dark with my wife.

A couple of weeks ago we had agreed to one month of no contact since my wife said she needed the space. Since then we have had pretty regular contact, several times a week, mostly initiated by her.

I don't think it's helping because I believe she's just making sure I'm still around waiting for her. I think she also wants to make sure I'm strong and no longer needy, but everytime she contacts me she loves to hear that I still want her. She then goes away for awhile and comes back a couple days later and the cycle repeats. This is entirely my fault since whenever she initiates relationship talk it is difficult for me to refrain from letting her know that I still want her.

I think it would be easier for me to try to avoid her phone calls for a few days. I'd like to let her calls go to voice mail and only return them if it's something important or maybe return them a few hours later/next day.

I don't want to upset her but I'm tired of her expecting me to always be there when she needs me, and then she goes away until she needs me again. I don't think she's missing me or gaining any love for me this way.

I don't know if I should go that dark but I need to figure out some way to do something different to change the cycle we are in. Any ideas would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Svejk

[Nugget]

I think you know what you need to do. You just need to implement it. Be there for her but not always. Don't answer her call, let it go to vm and return her call later when you want to. You need to detach with love.

[svejk]

I had a major screwup today. I made an excuse to go over to my wife's house to borrow something I needed.

When I got there I was hoping she would want to talk to me but it was obvious she didn't. Instead of just leaving I tried talking to her and I really made her angry.

To make things worse I panicked and kept at it, apologizing and asking her if everything was okay. I finally left, but it was obvious that I had set her feelings for me way back even though she said everything was okay just so I would leave.

I'm very upset with myself since I hadn't behaved this way for weeks. I know there are times she just doesn't want to talk and I should leave, but this time for some reason I panicked and acted totally irrational.

I just hope our relationship can recover from this setback and that I can figure out some way to never panic again.

Svejk

[Nugget]

You relationship will recover and yes most likely you will do it again. But, that is alright, as long as the frequency and intensity of this behavior is tapering off over time then that is a sign that you are moving in the right direction. If it is not, then you need to focus on making some changes. We are human and we are going to slip up. It's just going to happen. Although, smurk smurk, the fewer times and less frequent we slip up the sooner we are going to make progress and reach our goals. It helps me to think and act with my logic and not my emotions. If you are allowing your emotions drive you then you need to work on getting them under control.

[imLIN]

Well there was a poster here last year...and sorry to say he did this one too many times to his WAW...and she filed for and got her D from him in less then a few months!!!

I would make sure you back off...and stay away if you are feeling vulnerable...especially if you start making up reasons to contact her...if you do you are treading in dangerous waters....

Lin

[svejk]

This is driving me crazy. I am confused and hopefully someone here can explain to me how this can possibly work.

My Wife is telling me she is confused about our relationship and that she needs time and space to fall back in love with me. She says she really wants to fall back in love with me and that she is afraid of losing me in the meantime.

All of this I can understand and I can live with even though I occasionally screw up and talk to her when I shouldn't. But I am willing to give her all the time and space she needs because I love her that much and she's worth it.

But what I don't understand, and maybe someone here can enlighten me, is how she can possibly fall back in love with me when she is seeing another man. I'm not making assumptions here, I know for a fact that she is having a PA with the OM.

I know I can't control what she does and I can only work on myself, and I'm not trying to figure out a way to stop her from seeing the OM.

I just feel like I'm wasting my time and driving myself crazy at the same time because I have absolutely no hope that someone can be having a PA with OM and fall back in love with their husband at the same time.

I see many threads on this site where people are waiting and waiting for long periods of time for their WAS to end relationships with OP, but I don't see many where things work out when OP are involved. Maybe I am wrong and hopefully someone here can set me straight.

I'd really like to just tell my wife that I love her and am willing to give her all the time and space she needs to figure things out. I'd also like to tell her that I know about the PA with OM and I don't understand how she could fall back in love with me while she is seeing him. If she is so afraid of losing me then why is she continuing with the OM?

But mostly I'd like to understand how someone can fall in love with their husband while they are having a PA with OM?

Thanks,
Svejk

[imLIN]

Well depending on how reliable your information is on her being involved physically with OM would depend on what you could do next...

I agree that *if* she is involved currently most likely she can not honestly be working things out with you...*if* this is the case you need to just let her go and work on yourself for a while...tell you that you don't share...until she is atleast committed to "trying" there is nothing you can do for her...

Basically this is where you detach...and turn around...if she wakes up she will let you know and then you can decide how to proceed from there...

Lin

[Heimlich]

Go to one of the later posts on my current thread page 5 or 6 and find the link to grasshoppers thread. Lot's of good stuff. Similar situation as you -- and me.

BD

[bar]

She is completely confused and trying to make sense of her confusion will drive you crazy. My H keeps changing his mind and I tend to say nothing or try to validate his feelings. Later, sometimes within hours, he says something in complete contradiction.

As advised on this site, I don't believe anything he says. I'm not saying he is lying about everything, I mean that he truly believes what he is saying at the time.

This is the only way for me to cope with some of the wild/stupid/irrational things he says.

bar

[svejk]

Heimlich,

Thanks for the links to Grasshopper's threads. I haven't had a chance to read through all of it but so far it's very helpful.

I was doing great for a few weeks, even getting positive results from my wife, until the last 2 days when I found out about the OM. She had OM earlier during the separation that ended weeks ago, but now she has moved on to someone else. Since then I've been making so many mistakes I've pretty much erased the progress I'd made the last few weeks. I just couldn't stop questioning her about it tonight. It became painfully evident that any progress I had made evaporated when she told me, "I know I have you in the palm of my hand and I can do whatever I want."

Tonight I committed to myself that I would stop trying to control and snoop what she's doing, completely let her go, and hopefully I will stick to it. It may be my last chance, if I even have one at all. My W is extremely angry with me.

I also let her know I would give her space and leave her alone. of course she doesn't believe me so all I can do is show her. She did reiterate that she wants to fall back in love with me, but not the way I was acting tonight. But it's just unbelievable how selfish and cold-hearted she has become. She can she how much her actions hurt me and even her family but she just doesn't care. I would have never imagined she could become the person she is now.

I'd always told myself that I would never put up with OM and always wondered why anyone else put up with it. Now I understand, but I still feel like a loser and a fool for putting up with it. I just love my wife to much to let her go. I would do anything to get my wife back to the way she used to be.

Svejk