If someone comes along and says 'wow isn't that wonderful' does that really make any difference to how you feel about what you've done?
It can. Some people on this board know that I have this... history/writing project I've been pursuing for quite some time. When I started it... I did it because I was passionate about it. Over time, I wanted feedback... and in so looking for feedback, I killed my own passion for the project. I became more worried about people's responses than my own interest. I am working on turning that around.
Quote:
Making something beautiful (in your own eyes) and doing it in such a way that it absorbs your full attention while you do it - that's happiness.
So make a life of beauty. In your own eyes. It is your most important work of art, ever.
Start small, with a few models. See where it takes you and your imagination.
Visit a local airport. If you are shy, and you WANT to overcome as a means of reaching your personal goals... what can you do, specifically, that can get you to this?
Actually Corri, I am on the path for the building an airplane. I own a production airplane that I fly fairly regularly, so I do get out to airports quite a bit. I also go to the local experimental aircraft association meetings where I've met and become friends with people who are building airplanes. I used to build models, but got a little bored with them. The hard part is finding the time and money to do more than dream about it. So for now, I do it vicariously through chapter members. Perhaps I should tag onto one or two to see if they'd let me get my hands dirty on their projects....hmm.
As far as overcoming the shyness, well I don't know where to start. It seems to be somewhat situational. I'm OK when the subject is something that is a passion for me like flying or my engineering work (that was once a passion for me, but doing it for a living for too many hours a day has burned me out somewhat). If it is small talk at a party or talking to a stranger then I have a much harder time at it. Small talk is very difficult for me, but I haven't a clue how to get over my aversion. I find even talking to MrsGGB I have a hard time striking up and maintaining a conversation. I'm going to have to look at it closer to see if I can figure out why, and then maybe I'll get a clue how to get myself over it.
I am a shy, introverted person also. I had, for the longest time, convinced myself that I really didn't want or need to make small talk. That I didn't want to waste my time on needless chatter or meeting and connecting with new people. I used this attitude as a sort of armor with which I maintained a certain aloofness that insured that I was semi-isolated in social settings. The more isolated I felt, the more insecure I felt, and so the more I hid my insecurity (even from myself, though not entirely successfully) in this attitude.
Fast forward to today. In the process of really looking at myself and trying to understand my role in the marital troubles I am going through, I realized this is something I wanted to change. This is how I am going about it. Whenever I go out to the store, or into my office, or anywhere that there are people, I settle my features into a nice relaxed half-smile, friendly, kind of Mona Lisa-esque. I then make it a point to look into, and I mean right into, the eyes of every person I see. This has always been a real problem for me in social settings. Something I've had to force myself to do for job interviews, etc.
The results have been amazing. The responses to my looks (I don't stare down or leer) are varied, but they have never been bad. Some will ignore my gaze entirely (this would be me before this excersize) and continue on past as though I wasn't there. Some will catch your eyes and quickly look away. Some will nod briefly as if to say "hey". Alot will respond by returning your smile, and many of those will actually say "Hi". the whole thing has been very cool.
The point for me is to engage, however briefly, with another human being and become comfortable within this limited social context. As a result, I have been noticably more comfortable interacting in situations where small talk is expected, just by becoming more comfortable within my own skin.
The mall, if you have one nearby, is a great place to practice this. So are bike path / walking trails, the gym, or the grocery store. it really challenged me at first, but I couldn't imagine not doing it now.
LM
LM
Lucky me, I could have been someone else FOREVER! Whew, that was close!
That is a very cool exercise, and I admire you for figuring it out, and then actually doing it.
Just as a little side trip here... this is a very cool exercise that will really bring home the value of human connection, even in the smallest ways (like just looking into the eyes of another person, which isn't really small at all, but I digress on my digression).
Make a trip to your local grocery store. The goal of the exercise is to walk, slowly, as if you are strolling, through each aisle of the grocery store... but you are to make no eye contact with anyone, you are not to speak to anyone, in any form, verbal or non-verbal, and you are not to touch anything. When you walk into the grocery store... you have to wait until someone else opens the door, and follow in behind them (so you can't even initiate or open the door yourself). Same for exiting. This exercise becomes more profound if you go when you know it will be busy. Try not to run into or bump anyone. You cannot say 'excuse me,' if you get caught in an aisle behind someone, and don't turn around to go the other way. Just wait until the way is clear before you proceed.
While you are strolling through the grocery store, try to halt every single thought you have. (I know, that is hard, so don't fight it, just don't get lost in thought). Do this by being aware of your breathing, and noticing everything 'out there' instead of 'in here.' Everything.
Compare that to your next 'normal/regular' trip to the grocery store, or others you have taken in the past.
Let me know. This is such a flippin' cool thing to do.
Corri, Well I thought I was on the right track with my list but now I'm having my doubts. I'm having such a hard time dealing with what would make me happy because so much of my happiness relates to how things are going in my marriage. If things are not going well in marriage (like they are now) then nothing on my list is really going to change how I feel and create happiness. I know it needs to, but how do you make that change to get out of a rut?
I've read DB & SSM and re-read and re-read....... It's just not clicking as to how to make my mind feel happiness when there is problems in the marriage. When things are well in the marriage, there is no place I would rather be then just being with my wife. My 2 girls are the lone exception. They are the pride of my life and when I'm with them I can't help but feel happiness, but how do I direct that joy back into the marriage?
I just get so overwhelmed by the feelings created from the problems in our marriage that everything else gets buried. If I do find something enjoyable, the feeling is shortlived and I'm back to feeling the weight of our problems.
I don't know if I'm trying too many of the DB techniques or if I'm just missing their point altogether.
Corri, you said your bf was from Michigan and you travel to DEEEtroit often. Being a big U of M fan, please don't tell me your from Ohio ?
I think I get it. Corri is trying to teach us how to create our own happiness. Once we got that, it is up to our spouse to join in or not, but whether s/he does or not doesn't affect that core happiness. It is one derived from your own self rather than from the actions of others. If you can get through that disconnect and see your spouse as someone with a free will to join you in whatever makes you happy rather than being the reason you are happy then you will be happy regardless. I get it. The hard part, I think, is figuring out what makes you happy (I'm certainly struggling with it, mostly because it is something I have never even thought a little bit about in as long as I can remember). It requires a complete paradigm change in your thinking.
Yeah, yeah, I know, I still have to answer the questions Extra credit only applies if I do the assignment!
Actually, I am considering asking the same questions to S17, as well as to MrsGGB. S17, because he says our house is a "Hellhole" that we don't let him do what he wants, put too many demands on him, etc...what we see though is that he puts all his happiness in other people (gosh, why is it so obvious from the other side of the fence?). MrsGGB, because from what I can tell, she's lost herself to being Mom and Wife, and no longer knows who MrsGGB is. Looking at myself, I see I've also lost myself, perhaps not to the same degree (Ha, I had to throw that in, I know it is a matter of perspective). I'll wait until I get it figured out for myself though. No sense for more blind leading the blind (hee hee, didn't even realize the pun on my screen name there until after I posted)
FWIW I see a lot of similarities in our lives and outlook. I too have had introvert problems, and still struggle with it in some situations. I have had some success seeing a self-esteem C. Also, you can actually learn a lot by studying the arts of seduction and how pick up artists work. A lot of that stuff is easily tailorable (is that a word?) to social situations in which you're not actually trying to pick up a date for the night, because the same things that attract women in clubs will attract people to want to interact with you in social situations. Just some thoughts.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I hear you loud and clear. I understand it completely. However, and you will have to give this some attention and thought...
Quote:
It's just not clicking as to how to make my mind feel happiness when there is problems in the marriage.
I agree that you cannot 'fool' your mind into calling a 'feeling of frustration' a 'feeling of joy.' Doesn't compute. And it isn't honest.
Quote:
When things are well in the marriage, there is no place I would rather be then just being with my wife.
That's the problem. There is no other way you feed your souls, so when you are 'up,' you are constantly together, and you suck one another dry. Then the 'gulf' hits, and you both withdraw, depleted. Either by chance or through the passage of enough time, your energy levels come back up, and if they come back up at the same time, the whole cycle starts all over again. Gives one the feeling of being on a roller coaster.
The exercises we are doing are all about you, in order for you to learn and create a sensitivity to, your inner and outer environment. As paradoxical as this sounds... the way to keep from having your energy sucked dry by your spouse... is to 'give' more of your energy away. And the only way you can give more energy of your energy to your spouse, is to find sources that feed your own levels, independent of your spouse (and that goes for them as well). Otherwise, you suck each other dry.
When we do things that fill us with happiness, our energy levels increase. We exude more positive energy. But it isn't just 'doing the things that make you happy.' It is in being 'aware' of your outer environment, as well as your inner environment, and how the two are interacting.
Look at it this way... by NOT doing things that make you happy, you are putting the health of your marriage at risk.
Right now, your energy levels are so low, you cannot even find the energy to get excited about stuff you like to do. Go do them anyway. Get your butt on a treadmill, raise the endorphins. Don't overdo it, discipline yourself. Don't worry if you aren't feeling all euphoric when you are out 'playing.' That isn't the initial goal.
But... while you are doing things, focus on what you are doing, your surroundings, the smells, the sounds, the tastes, your immediate environment. Give yourself a break from the problems at home and with your spouse.
