Going to try one more time....

[Delil@h]

THANKS CAT....

I AM SAD TODAY HE JUST TOLD ME AGAIN IT IS OVER B/C MY s16 DOESNT CHANGE ETC, ETC,,,, and I dont change or care either.....
this is not the life he deserves or envisioned...
I love him but I am heartbroken.....

I am ready to give up just like him..... but the love and my kids does make it hard to be a WAW. Just throw almost 11 years away... I guess it must be easy with the right mindset... but unlike him I do not have it yet.......
~God bless....

[tyler]

Ali,
Those are wonderful goals.

My heart hurts for you to try to hard, put so much effort into this and continue to see setbacks.

It's a tough fight.

It doesn't get any easier until you can get some clarity. To quote Ken Wilber, "with awareness you feel more, but suffer less".

Once you can get to a place of clarity you will feel more, but suffer less. If that makes sense. When I first heard that I thought it was a bunch of new age mumbo jumbo, but after some recent steps on my part I've found that I hurt, and the pain is real, but the suffering is less. It hurts initially, then it passes, so the amount of time I spend suffering is greatly reduced.

Thoughts and prayers for you Ali.

You have to tools, you know what you need to do, you will be okay no matter what form that takes.

[cat03]

oh hon, so sorry to hear this! i don't know what to say, except that God lead you the best way, even if that means you'd have to be alone, I myself am dreading even looking at that option, but i wonder if I take my H back if more heartache will be coming and he will never be happy with himself, with anyone.
Hugs)))))))))))))))) let's pray hard for each other.

I look at my 4yr old, all smiles, and remember my son saying "i dont' want to be like Jhon" my little nephew who's parents are separated and my heat aches, I am trying to hold on for them too.

[Delil@h]

Well.. he is here and we are "talking" .... I did tell him I am tired of him saying hes leaving and it is over and ..... I told him we need to work on this together..... THAT: I am also not terribly "Happy" but I choose to fight...... you just run whenever you feel like it, or there is stress. It is unacceptable....
Lots more to post... will post later if I can....

~God bless

[Aud31]

Ali,

Good for you! Stay strong hon--you are amazing! I hope your talk makes some progress for you.

[whitelight]

"Let go of expecting my H to love in the way I love him.... words to me are like Gold and yet he talks to me not enough and then when he has an out burst he says very cruel words. But I need to stop listening when he talks like a Mad Man. Then when the words drip out of his mouth like Syrup, even though they may be real... my Heart shuts them out."

Alimari,

You are human. The plan to not let his brutality bother you is not and should not work. Brutality should bother you.

I like OT's suggestion.

[brandnewday]

(((((((Ali))))))))

I am sorry but I totally disagree with your choice to stay with this man.

I do think you should work on the Marriage from a distance and not be in the same household until he gets a grip of what his life has become.

He is dangerous, he is insensitive, he is an abuser.

How long can you keep going on and on banging your head against a wall and hoping that somethng will change.

This is part of co-dependant behavior.
You trying to fix the problem.
You trying to find the solution.


Just remember the cycle will continue with your children as they watch the way their parents behave and how they cope with issues.

You don't have to be a martyr.
You do deserve better then this.

[Delil@h]

I totally agree that my Behavior has been "co dependent " to some extent..... I foolishly thought well things are better and I am stronger so .... I am not "enabling him" WRONG!

And when I did not behave like this he has pulled up the stakes and tried to get Me to "play" his game again. Well so far I have not been playing the game anymore.... this past Weekend another threat to leave that he wasnt HAPPY! ( he was waiting for me to beg and plead and cry and beg some more..... I NEVER DID !)

HE WENT TO RUN SOME ERRANDS and I took the kids to run some of my own and the kids and I were back and forth for a bit. I just went about my day as if he werent a part of it and I NEVER act this way.... ( hey if he was going to leave then leave.... my Life will go on.... I'd prefer it be with him and Happy but if not then so be it)


Just a bit later he arrived and wanted to talk.... I got everything off my chest and said I was soooooooooooooo tired of his cruelty, the way his words cut like a knife and how HE keeps going and going ~especially in front of the kids....... tired of him waving that he is leaving in my face all the time and at any sign of stress..... I said Today it is my S16 ( excuse to leave ) and in 2 years when he is gone ? WHAT THEN xxxxxx?

~God forbid there is a fire in the house or any other stress you will bolt. I have had enough of it. Do you realize what you are doing to me ? I AM HUMAN last time I LOOKED! And I cant take this anymore..... YOU ARE KILLING ME AND this M in one shot and if you do not want to be here so be it........ I am not as Happy as you seem to believe I am .... but unlike you I do not use other reasons for an excuse...... You do what you have to do and I will do what I have to also.... you need to change. I will no longer allow you to treat me this way. I am done.


I said lots more but I cant remember.... and the weird thing was that I wasnt scared to say it cause then he may leave..... the walking on eggshell thing .... scr*W that..... I just told him everything... and about the drinking and going out too!

I have to admit I just thought of it... he has not been cruel since.... but trust me I am not holding my breath either.... and he knows this too. He stayed home all weekend .... that is a first in over 2 months... again not getting my hopes up.

I am not going to turn into some bitter hag but I am not also going to wait and hang on his every word either...... I am loving him from a distance and it feels safe so far..


he even explained the whole Phone call from
that Woman thing... we talked a lot @ that subject too.

I agree with all of you.. he really does not deserve another chance and he really did not last year either when he blatantly lied to me and kept me on a string when all the while ( during separation) he had OW.


Even though he is here..... I am not torturing myself to go overboard and try soooooooooooooo hard anymore.... and Mediocre..... not thats not me.... but bending over backwards..... I have stopped that for sure.... I talked to him also @ STDs ..... says I need not worry cause he did not cheat on me...... I do believe him. and I am quite sure he knows now that I am not going to stand for this anymore... I dunno who posted it to me but it plays on my head....

DO NOT VOLUNTEER TO BE TREATED THIS WAY... I am not volunteering anymore......


I dunno if I am doing the right thing by standing or not it just feels RIGHT.
I also feel like I am not ready to give up and I cannot just let this M die w/o a fight.... what I do know is I am going to try one more time and if he cant fix himself then ..... I will have to .... let go once and for all.
DUNNO IF I MADE SENSE....
I love you all and so appreciate your support.... my Brother is as we speak going thru a seperation that makse my troubles seem like a Cake Walk..... my 1 year old Nephew just looks sooooo, sooooooooooooo SAD!

Tear apart my Family cause my H will not change.... will not look in the mirror and change? He will have to change when he sees what used to work no longer does...well at least I am not going to react to it anymore if he starts again this weekend!!!!!!!!!!!! I will just have a great time with my KIDS.... we have a Birthday Party to go to, A Pinata... the kids are going to have a blast,,,,

~at this time I cant just Walk Away, but yes IF he continues to act this way he will have to leave.....
~God bless...

[COG]

Ali,

Well said, well done! You are on the right track, and the proof is in pudding. The fact that you had no fear in speaking with your H. That alone is a sign that you are on the right track. And his response, staying home for the weekend, he knows he's OFF track. He knows on thin ice.

I think the most loving, most supportive, most helpful thing you could do at this point is to pick up a brochure from a Rehab., or better yet drive him there.

God Bless You Ali,

COG

[sandi2]

Ali,

Sweetie, you cannot believe anything this man tell you! You have got to stop listening to anything.....and get the hell out of there! He needs professional help. You cannot help him. Do you hear me? Please listen to us....you are not the one to help him, b/c you are too close to him. It takes a professional that is not related or involved with him. He will beat you down and he will start (if he hasn't already) on the kids. They will never feel happy about their home or themselves b/c of their dad. You say you are going to stop trying soooooooo hard. But, you still want to stay in that type of environment. Yes, you are co-dependant! You need C also. I don't mean that harsly, honey....God, my heart bleeds for you. Please, get your childen and get away from that man. If he gets well....and it will take a long time....if you still want him afterwards, then fine. But, don't listen to his lies. He will not change. He is so selfish and it's all about him. That should tell you what kind of person he is. You deserve so, so much more. Be good to yourself, sweetie.

Please take care of yourself and the babies. Let us hear from you often or we will worry about you.