Trying to set those goals!

[Trixi]

Well, the NOW is because "something" is missing.

The THEN is that I wasn't the "usual type of girl" he would date. But, his son adored me. This is a quote from him within the past year as to why we got married "We didn't get married for the right reasons. I knew that you would be a good mother to my son. I really liked you, had a good time with you, our sex life was good and I figured that I could help you raise your daughter. I thought we would be a good family and help each other out."

God, writing that breaks my heart. It's hopeless. I mean, I know he loves me. He wouldn't be supporting me in this house if he didn't love me. I was rummaging through old photos last night and OMG I was so huge. (Truly because of the thyroid-but does it ultimately matter?) He has said many times that he "stuck by me" during those times. He has also said that I have 'stuck by him' during his times of back and forth. He acknowledges that he loves me a great deal. So, I guess that it's that he loves me "as a friend".

Let's assume that's true. If I loved someone as a friend and wanted the oogley googlelies for someone, I would probably have doubts about my decision to leave, but feel like I had to do it in order to find happiness. I would probably pity the person if they threw themselves at me sexually (or otherwise). BUT, if I was positive that they would always "be" there for me (as a spare tire in case I didn't find my "dream" mate), I would probably think twice about moving on if they started dating. I might start to look at them with a different perspective if someone else was fawning all over them. I might wonder if maybe I had missed something.....(I am just thinking out loud,here.)

I am not much different than the woman he "came back to" then. What is really different is that we no longer have kids living with us. How pessimistic is that?
Okay- one other thing that is different is that we used to go and do funner stuff when we were dating. I also smoked and drank more. (I quite smoking 9 years ago- he still does.) He also drinks more than me.

I'm so bummed now.