Hi Jeanb. I am on the other side of the fense. I had an EA with OM over the internet. It was quickly leading to a PA when I called it off. I was depressed, on edge, felt like I was going to "stoke" any minute, etc. My H found out about OM and starting trying to force me to stop the contacts....well, that was the wrong thing to do. The more pressure he applied, the more determined I was to contact the OM, b/c I resented H treating me like a child! I rebelled! Also, H started smothering me and doing all the "wrong" things that DB talks about....snooping, spying, clingling, etc. I hated it. It almost made me hate him. I had my hand on the door knob ready to walk out. I told him to back off and give me my space and privacy or I was walking. He did.....but said I had to stop contacting OM. I said, okay. However, it was not right away that I did stop.....b/c I was addicted. I did not realize that until I came here on this board and some wise people pointed that out to me. Plus, I read everything I could get my hands on.
I doubt you are going to like what my advice to you will be. You probably want more than what I'm going to say....but it's all there is. First, he does need help with the depression. Try to get him to agree to see a doctor. Now, he is trying to decide between you and the OW....IMHO. While he is deciding who he is going to choose, you need to be the best woman he has ever met! I know you will want to talk about the MR.....don't. You will nearly die wanting to know if he is still contacting OW.....don't ask or snoop or spy trying to find out. He is still doing it. But, if you want him.....fight for him. Not with all the wordy stuff....but by your calm, sweet, and gentle spirit. Look great, talk softly and calmly.....and sweet. Not stupidly....but you know what I mean. If my H had just have talked sweetly to me and given me some time and space....maybe I would have come around sooner. I don't know. Since I felt the need to reach out to another man....well, that's my stitch, not yours. Anyway, all you can do is be your very best to win his heart back again. You are competing with the OW! Now, we gals know how to do that....don't we? For sure, don't act like a witch.....or bitchy. That never, ever works! Try to act "as if" everything was going to be good again and fine things to fill up your life. Act happy and light. He is loaded down and feels so heavy with all this serious mess he has gotten himself into. I know that what I suggest is not easy to do. But, has anything else worked?
By all means, keep your self-respect! Don't do anything or let him do anything to take that away from you. Don't allow anyone to degrad you. If you don't respect yourself....nobody else will.
Well, I sure hope things get better soon. Let me hear from you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
