Plank removed from eye, too late for WAW 3

[Matt-14]

The comment about it not being the OM , I got this , that it was over before OM . Thats BS , I know we were in trouble but the minute they bring another R into the mix and make the decision to pursue that rather than to try and work on thier own M is wear the mistake is made. Then they delude themselves into justifying what they have done.

I can't agree more with what C_K said! But, There was definitly trouble in all of our R's that caused them to become attracted to someone else. When we become aware of the problem it is usually too late.

BD...I know you said you mouthed "we don't have to do this" to your wife but I think you really do. To get past this, I think you more or less have to let this run its course and let her discover for herself what a mistake she is making. Maybe then she will want to try again on a new R with you.

By me saying you have to do this, I don't mean get divorced but a separation might do you some good. I know this will be very tough on the kids and have a lasting impact but I think an unhappy H and W will have the same effects.

Matt

[stewart10]

Heim:

Just wanted to stop by and tell you sorry that you found that. You have already received great advice from everyone else on this board, so I cannot really add anything to that. Just know that I am rooting for you and try and keep your head up. I know you already know this, but make sure you pay extra special attention to your kids for the next few weeks. As scared and sad as you are right now, imagine what it must be like for them. Use your pent up energy to make this as easy on them as you can.

Stew

[Disillussioned]

BD,
Your W keeps bringing up the sex issue and I really don't think that is the main issue. I think she uses that to rid herself of guilt. She may have fallen out of love with you but the affair and the guilt weighs heavily on her mind. The more she can put on you helps to justify in her head what she has done.

Heim,
I just talked to my sister for the first time about my S last night. Said almost the same as what Matt said above. Irrespective of the good times we've had and the positive parts of the relationship, she's been picking out little things that I've done wrong to justify her actions.

Also we were talking about the potential future. Do I move out or does the W. My sister told me it is time to stand my ground. I will not leave my house because of a decision my wife made. Especially if she has given no hint of working on the R. My main focus now is to take care of the kids. If she wants to stay and work on things, I'll welcome that with open arms, but I'm not going.

Don't know that it helps at all. I'm just venting myself. Hope you find your way. Stay strong.

[Puddle]

Hey Heimlich,

I'm so sorry all this is going on for you. The talk with the kids just broke my heart, and I'm dreading the same thing (including major anger from my oldest). The advice to put the focus on your kids is solid. I can't imagine what it's like for them, but it must feel like the fear we feel but x 1000. They're helpless in all this.

I hope that your anger will give way to detachment, that true zen state that others who've reached it have described. As hard as all this has been on you, I imagine the hardest part is just starting for your W. She's in for a rough ride, and I know you're expecting the roller coaster. I wish you courage and peace.

Take care.

[Heimlich]

Thanks Matt and Dis, I guess I've been taking on a lot of undue guilt over the whole sex thing. I've been taking her at her word that's how I made her feel. It's hard to not trust someone you trusted totally for 16 years. But, I'm just realizing that she's not worthy of trust, especially when it comes to her opinion about me or about how she feels or the truth of our marriage and R.

Puddle, Oddly enough, I'm not really angry. Just very disappointed. This isn't the person that I thought I had married. This is someone scared of recommitting to a good man and a good marriage because her thoughts are clouded by her feelings for someone else.

Dis, I could play hardball and stay in the house. After all, I have pictures of the OM with her while we're still married. But, really, what would that accomplish? It would kill any chance of us being together (which, depending on the minute, I'm still open to). Cost a lot of money. And expose our kids to a lot of anger and we'd most likely end up hating each other. There's a real chance right now that I'm going to end up not liking her very much, but don't want to grow to hate her. Plus, I really don't want to live here anymore. It's not home. And, I've mentioned this before, but I've never really had my own place. That's actually kind of exciting.

To everyone, yes, going to do my best to be a great dad to my girls. They are very unsure of things right now. I almost cried this morning. My oldest asked me if I could leave a few things of mine behind in case I moved back in I would still have some things at home.

It's gotta get better, right?

BD

[alk24]

It's gotta get better, right?

Yes, it does.

[Heimlich]

Just a mini-vent. Looks like both of us can't wait for me to leave. W comes home with boxes and has "18 more in the van." I vacillate between a little angry and just so disappointed in her.

I know there's a good woman in there somewhere and I know that I hurt her, but I'm worried about my girls being introduced to the OM too soon. I'm reasonably sure, and the stats back it up, that he won't be around for the long haul, but she's convinced, I believe, that he's it. I'm not ashamed to say it, but part of me really wants her to get crushed and come crawling back to me so that I can say 'You're no longer worth it.' That's kind of the way I'm feeling right now, she's not worth it. She's not been worth the torture I've been putting myself through for the past few months. I don't think this is lovingly detached, but, baby, I'm detached. I think once I'm away from her the feelings will smooth out and I may find a place in my heart for her again. But, to rip off Steel_Box's metaphor, those feelings of love are locked up and buried today.

BD

[Gone Dancin']

Deep breathes, think about what you say before you say it and whether or not it will bring you closer to your goals. I'm glad you vented here, but I KNOW you still want to save this M. I remember you recently said your feelings change by the minute. Act As If, and exercise patience and strong will, Heim -- I know you've got it in you. You're too clever to not know what you need to do.

GD

[Heimlich]

Yeah, I'm on my own mini-rollercoaster. Snapped at her a bit about 30 minutes ago. Please leave the basement. Straightened up by boxing up some loose books (I've got waaaaaaaaaaaay) to many books for an apt. went upstairs and just said I'm sorry I snapped I'm just disappointed at this.

Trying to put on the PMA, asked her how her day went. She worked in the lab on a technique she hadn't done in 7 years -- decapping eggs and sucking out the fluid (weird science). Told me about that, a little laughter, a little light touch on my arm as she joked. That's different. Realized that she's talking to me like a friend. Told her I had been thinking that it might be best for me to stay in the house so that the girls could play with their friends after school, but that I couldn't afford it. She said that she could change her work schedule so that she would work from 6 to 3 on the days that I had the girls and that she would pick them up from school and then bring them to my place around 5 or 6, when I finished working. Said she would cook dinner for them (she's worried about me and money, I think -- I'll have to be conscious of what I spend and have low margin for error, but I'll be able to GAL ) Told her thanks, but that wouldn't be necessary. Said I would probably cook and invite her in for dinner now and again. She said she had thought the same. Said we could give that a try for a while and see how it worked for the girls. She said something about this way I wouldn't have the burden of all of the homework, which isn't a problem, but something I think she's felt guilty about for a while.That I've helped our oldest and she's been working. Just run of the mill working mother guilt, nothing related to us.

Then I said something weird, no idea where it came from. Said I was thinking about dating. She said I want you to go out and meet new people and if you find someone you like, ask them out. Told her I was always OK with only ever having dated and been with her, but that I felt like we hadn't been married for 4 months. Told her I was excited about moving into my own place, because I've never had my own place before -- and it is kind of exciting (and I really don't want to live in the house). Tried to convey a little of what OT said in a previous post "that we aren't good together now and we really need some time apart. maybe after some time, we could work again, but not now." Didn't say I love you or anything, but just wanted to be clear with her that the door was still open. She said she appreciated that. Didn't say anything, but I'm about 100% sure she's going to date OM. C'est la vie.

We'll see where we go from here. I was standing in the doorway of the kitchen, with my knee out (kind of like a stork, got that from my mom). Instead of squeezing up against the door, she kind of touched my leg to get out.

Little strange. I think both of us feel the removal of pressure. We'll see what the future brings. I know that we have a piece of paper that says she's Mrs Heimy, but it's just not really true right now. Feels kind of freeing. Not sure if I want to date or not, I think a good date would do wonders for my PMA, going to have to feel my way there. Maybe I'll what until saving hooks me up with some butt pants.

BD

[Heimlich]

OK. That was about the single strangest thing I've ever heard my W say. So, I'm going to get a tempurpedic mattress for my new place (we bought one last year and I loved it). My wife was showing me the queen sealy memory foam on sale at mattress warehouse. I said I was just going to get a full, that would be big enough. She paused and said a queeen would be more practical. I was like, what, where would I fit the dressers. then she said, "If you have someone else there with you." I told her I know you're going to see OM, but I'm not sure I'm ready to see other people. Part of me is, part of me isn't. She told me she wants me to see someone else. Guilt? Sort of a test for me to date so that if our feelings do change we'll both know what we want and will be 'even' in the relationship. "He banged me, but you banged her". I is confused.

Oh, forgot the other alternative. Maybe she just wants me to be happy.

BD