Trying to set those goals!

[Dom R]

To cut to the chase. When I was was 'flirty' and grabbed his butt on the Monday at the bar, that was sort of when the conversation drifted towards HIM saying "we need to talk" and that he doesn't want to be "friends with benefits."

that's "flirty". that's just being "sexually receptive".
that is NOT "sexually aggresive"

I'm guessing you've never been sexually aggressive in your life


That may be what he is looking for. That's why he's hanging around in bars. That's where sexually aggressive "just looking for sex" type women hang out, I would think.

I don't think me being aggressive with him would be well received. He already quasi-rejected me a week ago. Besides, he hasn't dated or courted me; no nookie for him!

yeah, how's that goin for ya?

If he's not going to ask you out soon.... I dont think he's going to.
if he doesnt in a few days... then I say grab him, "use him", and then dump him wanting more.

'course the sad part is, us men being what we are, it'll probably take you longer to get where you "want to be", then it will him. If he's usually a "minute man", you might want to get warmed up yourself, to beat him to the punch.... then as SOON as you are done, get up, and leave him hanging on the edge, if you can

I figure he'll be completely blown away by seeing a strong, sexually aggressive you, that he's never seen before.. and not to mention he'd do just about anything at that point to finish up.


The biggest point to remember is: This isnt "for him". this is 100% for you. Be completely selfish, only make him feel good insofar as it is physically neccessary for him to "perform".. but otherwise, dont give a hoot about his pleasure.

If he's normally a "1 minute man" and you know he wont outlast you even when you are "warmed up"... then again.. get him on his back, then demand that he "take care of you" in other ways.
I'm guessing that after some initial resistance...if you stay forceful, he'll cave.
Not "abusive" forceful... just "i know what I want and you're going to give it to me" forcefull.

sigh.. you probably dont know what I'm talking about.




Yeah, this is a huge stretch for you. You're probably appalled at the thought you could even be that brazen/selfish.
but if he isnt involved with someone else already... it will rock his world, and his view of you. guaranteed.

heck, I wouldnt be TOO surprised if he's a closet submissive in the bedroom, and thats why he keeps looking for a "strong woman". ahahah. well never mind that
Even if he somehow has "gotten his jolleys" from his alleged camping trip... wait a few days, then take what you are entitled to.

it's all about attitude. Psych yourself up. If it helps, remember that you have biblical backing for his: you are ENTITLED to sexual satisfaction from his body. Now go TAKE IT!


[hmmm.. wonder if it would be too over the top for you to rent a "woman dominating a male" adult video, and leave it laying around. yeah, probably... heh.
But you probably could get some ideas, yourself, from some of the "softer" ones.

I'm usually very anti-porn. Seems like you could use some ideas from somewhere, though.... Trying to think of some non-x-rated stuff that could give you the same idea. hrmm...
sharon stone, basic instinct?
cant remember the full details. Definately the whole self-assured cockiness. the "flip herself on top". attitude.

]


Your husband is looking for something you arent giving him. Or in his case, getting from him.
It's time to do things "outside your comfort zone", I'd say.


gah... wish I could come up with a specific attitude in a film to give you. most of the "porn" level ones, are somewhat degrading to the man, so that's no good.


You dont have much time on this.

IF I'm right, and he's been looking for that kind of sexual adventure with a "strong woman"... IF he didnt go on a "wild weekend fling" with someone already... he's going to find that kind of thing in a bar sooner or later.

So, cost benefit analysis:

If you wait a while longer, to the point that you think he's not going to ask you on a date any more (end of the week?) what's the worst that can happen?
He turns you down... but sees a forceful side of you that he's never seen before. Even if you "lose", you still win something.
The only other thing is the "date me or no sex for you" rule.
But if you want, you can attempt to justify it with, "this isnt sex for YOU, this is sex for ME"

[Dom R]

back "when you were dating", how long did it take you playing "hard to get", before he came a callin' ?

[Trixi]

But, Dom, he really told me to make him work for me. I never did that. EVER. When I said that once he moved out that things would be different, he would have to date and court me he said "Good. Stick to that."

When I pointed out our sex life was pretty dang good he said "Oh, I *know* it is. I have never thought it wasn't!"

Plus the comment that he had made that "some women would say "you better do (or not do) XYZ, if you want to date me."

It seems like all I would be doing is giving him his cake on a silver platter. He's left me. He is going out acting single. He doesn't even have to date me. And then I deliver myself to him wrapped in saran wrap?! (so to speak )

He didn't like it that I grabbed his butt last week; he didn't want me to be physical with him. (He kept his distance-to a degree. Before, he would be all over me when we went out. This time he was reserved. Treated me like a warm friend.)

Oh yeah, and then there was the time that he said he thought that the sex was confusing me. Making me think there was more of a chance for us then there is.

Plus, I have already stated that I am not a booty call, rules about dating etc.

-----
Okay-
I just remembered that there is a wedding on Friday for a family friend's daughter. We had originally planned to go together. It is up on my fridge calendar. (In case he doesn't remember, he will more than likely see it.)

Do I bring it up and ask him to go as my "+ one"? Or do I just wait to see if he will a)remember and b)ask to go with me>

[Trixi]

back "when you were dating", how long did it take you playing "hard to get", before he came a callin' ?

Maybe a month..wow- that was 12 years ago. I don't remember how long exactly. I know what day he called for the booty, but not sure when we "broke up". Maybe 6 weeks...

[Dom R]

Hrrrrmmmm....

Well, i certainly could be wrong. i dont claim to always be right.

Some comments:

- when he said "the sex is confusing you", I think he really meant the sex is confusing HIM. distracting him from his goal of screwing around.
It's stopping him from detaching from you.
I personally think that detaching from you is bad.

- as for "serving yourself to him"... i was picturing the other way around. It's about him, serving YOU, so to speak.
If he at any point had the feeling that the sex was for him... then you would be doing it wrong
if you dont understand what I mean, then its probably better not to do it. Too bad, though.

-If he took a month to wake up last time... ugh.

This guy has some very.. very.. bad patterns.


It will probably take you more than you did last time.
Last time, you were "strong", but still passive. You let him come to you.
You have a basic choice, of trying to wait him out again, and seeing if the same thing happens... or trying something stronger.
The sex idea is one way.

You can choose whether to use sex as a "date me" carrot, or use it as an "i can be strong" tool.
either way has potential benefits. either way has potential drawbacks, too.

drawback of carrot: he just may not be interested enough in the sex you had, to come back for it. he may decide to just keep looking. IF he finds something, he's not coming back for a long while. If he just is unlucky, then maybe he'll be back in a month.

drawback of tool: well, it kinda blows the "date me for sex" angle. If you did it on a regular basis, anyway.
But if you did it as a one-time thing, to see how you felt, and how he felt about it... maybe not.

It comes down to "why is he looking elsewhere"?
He could be looking for "more exciting".
"A challege" is part of "more exciting". but not the only part of it.


PS: men dont remember appointments well. hes probably forgotten about the wedding. you should remind him and ask him about it.


PPS: If you're going on the "you better do (or not do) XYZ, if you want to date me." then I think it definately makes sense to NOT let him back in the house whenever he feels like it.

[Dom R]

bit more...

I think its important as to "why is he looking elsewhere, NOW", as compared to "why was he looking elsewhere, back when you were dating?"

Do you think it was for the same reason, or different reasons?

How are you different now, compared to the woman he "came back to", then?

[Trixi]

Well, the NOW is because "something" is missing.

The THEN is that I wasn't the "usual type of girl" he would date. But, his son adored me. This is a quote from him within the past year as to why we got married "We didn't get married for the right reasons. I knew that you would be a good mother to my son. I really liked you, had a good time with you, our sex life was good and I figured that I could help you raise your daughter. I thought we would be a good family and help each other out."

God, writing that breaks my heart. It's hopeless. I mean, I know he loves me. He wouldn't be supporting me in this house if he didn't love me. I was rummaging through old photos last night and OMG I was so huge. (Truly because of the thyroid-but does it ultimately matter?) He has said many times that he "stuck by me" during those times. He has also said that I have 'stuck by him' during his times of back and forth. He acknowledges that he loves me a great deal. So, I guess that it's that he loves me "as a friend".

Let's assume that's true. If I loved someone as a friend and wanted the oogley googlelies for someone, I would probably have doubts about my decision to leave, but feel like I had to do it in order to find happiness. I would probably pity the person if they threw themselves at me sexually (or otherwise). BUT, if I was positive that they would always "be" there for me (as a spare tire in case I didn't find my "dream" mate), I would probably think twice about moving on if they started dating. I might start to look at them with a different perspective if someone else was fawning all over them. I might wonder if maybe I had missed something.....(I am just thinking out loud,here.)

I am not much different than the woman he "came back to" then. What is really different is that we no longer have kids living with us. How pessimistic is that?
Okay- one other thing that is different is that we used to go and do funner stuff when we were dating. I also smoked and drank more. (I quite smoking 9 years ago- he still does.) He also drinks more than me.

I'm so bummed now.

[Dom R]

Well, the NOW is because "something" is missing.

ugh.

"We didn't get married for the right reasons. I knew that you would be a good mother to my son. I really liked you, had a good time with you, our sex life was good and I figured that I could help you raise your daughter. I thought we would be a good family and help each other out."

Sounds like pretty durn fine reasons to ME.
I wonder what he thinks "the right reasons" would be now?

your "what if.." theory could be right, if you want to tackle things indirectly.
If you want to tackle things more DIRECTLY though...

I think that what I said earlier today, is probably why.
I think he's looking for "fun and excitement, now that he's 'free' from children".
His priorities when you got married, were for family, and stability. Now he wants to try "fun and excitement".

Nothing inherently wrong with that... its just sad that he decided to look ELSEWHERE for it, instead of joining with you for the hunt for it.

If you want to play the "I'm going to go dark and sit here and wait until he comes back" game... you could be waiting for a loong time, until he gets tired of looking for "fun and excitement".


OR.. you could start offering him more "fun and excitement" yourself.

YOU have to be a little worn out from the whole "looking after children" thing too. and marriages are SUPPOSED to evolve as both people grow and get older.. right? So.. look to have fun now!

I'm still thinking that you need to be more "aggressive".
But maybe not a "booty call" by itself.
Maybe you need to make your own date with him.
Ask HIM out.
Think of something he almost couldnt possibly refuse. Some kind of "dream date" for him. (a racetrack racing lesson? something really unique and wild)

Then, if the date goes well.. take him home.... and jump his bones.
Then you wont be breaking your "date me first" rule, AND you can show him a more aggressive, active you

[my3sons]

I've been following along on this sitch for a while, and I finally had to register now, so that I can respond:

----------------

Dom R: I think you are confusing YOUR fantasies with Agent99's H's fantasies. Either that, or you ARE her H or H's friend.

She keeps telling you why she thinks the way she does, why she is not following your advice, and you just keep pushing her to be sexually agressive toward her estranged H.

She may not have responded directly to your repeated suggestions because she didn't want to be confrontational. Most people will "get the hint" if someone keeps changing the subject. You have given her some good advice and other support, so she probably doesn't want to alienate you.

It seems to me that she is doing some good work on her self-esteem, and putting in some reasonable boundaries with her H. So, why not be supportive of her in the direction she is going in her DB effort?
--------------

Agent99:

Plan on going to the wedding alone. Do not remind him about it--you are not his social secretary or his mother. If he remembers and he wants to go, he will go. He may drive separately and end up sitting next to you. If he brings it up and he wants to go with you, great.

[Trixi]

Update-
I stayed here at the house until the 6:30 (looking cute, I might add) then needed to leave to go the Divorce Support Group. (And I am very glad I went, but that's besides the point.)

Anyway, as I was leaving, I sent him a text that said "I had to leave. Sorry I missed you."

A few minutes later my phone rings and it's H.

Me "Hello?"

Him "Why are you so much nicer in the written word than when we speak?"

Me"you think so?"

Him "Well, maybe I'm wrong, but it sure seems that way. You were really short with me when I called to say I was coming over for the camping stuff, but then you left that nice note. And same thing last night, but then you sent a nice text message."

Me"uh...Can I send you a text message answer? hahaaha" both laugh. pause

Me"hmmm..I can see why you might think that."

Him"well, yeah. I thought maybe you were mad or something."

Me "hmmm"

Him "So, did you have an appointment tonight or something?"

Me "not an appt, per se, just meeting up with some friends."

Him "ok. I thought maybe you were just avoiding me since you didn't sound sure if you were leaving." {Wow- I am so transparent to him}

Me "No, I just wasn't positive I was going to go."

Me "So, where'd you go camping?

Him "Oh, over to Friends cabin in mountains. It was a 'boys' camping trip"

me" Friend has a cabin?"

And then he explained the deal with that.Complimented my lawn mowing. More small talk and then he need to go to make a call to the east coast.

All in all, a fine convo. and I can see that he is watchful of how I am acting.

I got back a few minutes ago, came in the house and his mail (which had been on one table) was on the island, near the fridge where my calendar is hanging up . It was also next to a wedding invitation in september. I do believe he was checking out my plans. Which is fine by me since I am very busy this week.

Okay-
so now to the exchage above-
Dom R- I do VERY much appreciate your advice. VERY, VERY much. And maybe I am missing the mark with my H; but I don't think that coming on to him will help. Last summer was the first summer we had no kids in the house, and it was pretty great. We rented a Harley, went and did more things. Our sex life hasn't really been lacking (for the most part). My belief is that what he wants is less friendship and more passion; but it doesn't have to do with sex. In fact, I just remembered that I questioned why he wanted to leave me when we had such a great sex life and he said that sex isn't everything.

my3sons-I am flattered that you have followed my sitch and commented.