Cobra, If there was no risk of the other-validation not coming through whenever it was needed, would it make a difference if it were from people who admire you or just to make yourself feel good? If there were NO risk or consequence, what would be wrong with that?
?? What exactly are you asking?
Technically I see no problem with this, IF both people were truly able to hold up their end of the duty. But as your example of your sick mother shows, this is not realistic. Yet is the other-validation really the problem or is it the inability of us human to reliably provide it?
Yes I think relying on other-validation when you KNOW that people cannot reliably provide it IS the problem. Relying on the weather in Houston to always be sunny in order to be happy would also be a problem because we KNOW it will rain in Houston so the problem would be the belief of 100% sunshine and NOT the inability of Mother Nature to reliably provide the sunshine.
Maybe in a life or death situation, but in relationships I do not agree. The problems the triggers so many fights in marriages seem to have a common theme – that one person is not validating the other on one way or another. As in your example it may be more than humanly possible for a person to do.
Why not? If you can keep yourself taken care of, are you not in a BETTER position to take care of others? So being self-validated actually makes you MORE able to help others and not less able. because my XH had to focus on himself and getting his law degree during my mom's illness, he was better able to be there for me when I really needed it. Although he had a car, I took a bus to visit my mom every weekend because he needed to focus on his studies.
I don’t know that this is necessarily true. You may know your own wants and needs best, but if communication is open and you are willing to express yourself freely, then over time each partner can come to know one another intimately and quite thoroughly. Think of the old married couple who are as one unit, soul mates, in which one knows what the other thinks and what their likes and dislikes are. Is that such a scary model? Is that something to not strive for? I can see this may not be something for everyone. In fact, I think it would be tough to find the right match to make this work, but for me, it is an interesting idea and an objective that bridges a lot of what I would like in a relationship.
What about being self-validating and differentiated would prevent a couple from bonding emotionally as you describe? It's not a scary model at all because it is one I have seen from the POV where the spouses are not emotionally needy but rather emotionally strong AND that seems to have created a stronger bond and not a weaker one. I have to say that even with these close bond they are still NOT mind readers and that's the humor these couples have. They can LAUGH at their spouse not being able to know what they are thinking. ETA: At Thanksgiving last year my 84 year old Grandmother told her older sister that she didn't like mushrooms and my great-aunt was surprised after all the years together. My grandmother wasn't hurt at all and just laughed that she didn't like to make a big deal of it so it didn't surprise her at all that her sister had not noticed. A less self-validated person might have felt that her sister didn't care about her.)
That is the point of my questioning… does it have to be unstable? Is there another way?
What do you think? I'll be honest that after the last 7 months on this forum I am more convinced that differentiation is helpful and not harmful. Again though I have to be clear that my definition of differentiation INCLUDES intense emotional connection.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
