So in this example a husband and wife would make it their duty to make the other happy?
I cannot MAKE anyone, anything, without their permission.
I would like to be able to feed another's happiness. To make ME feel good about ME (as I have defined it). If I depend on the other to define when/how/how much I feel good about ME, I am now fused. If I do something I hope will make another feel good, and it does not, I am differentiated if I feel good about my effort, regardless of their reaction. I am fused if I allow another's reaction to my efforts negate the happiness I have regarding my initial action, or how I might view/define myself.
If I give someone a back rub (and I do this to feel good about me, and in hopes that it will feel good to the recipient), and say my nails hurt them... I can use their response to discern the information coming at me... so that I can make a choice on whether I should continue in a way that does not hurt them... or, I can choose to stop the back rub, because I like digging my claws into things, but perhaps you are not my best choice for claw digging.
If you say 'ouch!!" and because you said ouch, I decide I am a lousy backrubber because of your honest response... I am now fused. Especially if I say to you... "no, that shouldn't hurt you. I am trying to please you, and you are not letting me!!"
If I am giving a backrub, and the person says, "wow, that is a good backrub," what's wrong with that? But if I take that compliment to mean I am the best backrubber on the planet, and allow it to define me... I am still fused...
