There and Back, #2

[SallyM]

mk, this is the 3rd time such honesty has come out of him. he does still throw it back on me, jack was good about pointing that one out. and honestly, I at least see it now. my part is not feeding into it, not trying to fix it. and damn, is that hard. its hard to just step back. its hard for me to just shut up. but i'm doing it. and what really sucks is I still feed into it...I still get that damn glimmer of hope, that all of this is sincere, that he will maybe, someday, somehow, see himself in that mirror and finally find himself someday and come back to me.

but when I step back, I know its a co-dependent panic attack on his part. again, he's done it 2x before this. the last time was on 6/3 at 1am, again, a response to me telling him for real that it was over, that we were over...he literally came in the door at 1am and ran upstairs, swept me into his arms, begged for another chance, offered me the world on a silver platter. talk about your fantasies come true. I tried to fight it, stayed rational, told him I needed time to think, didn't let him hold me, didn't, ahem, let him "hold" me (and god did I want him to). but the next day I caved and told him we could work things out, and we ended up in this place again.

obviously he has a long journey ahead of him. I'm not sure he'll really take the path he needs to to heal himself, to find himself again. I think he'll continue down the path he's on. in fact, I'm starting to call he and ow's relationship, "the lost weekend," sad as that is. he's not always drunk, doesn't drink daily, but obviously since he's been with her it has increased enough for him to be concerned, at least a part of him is, anyway. he does have alcoholism in his family history, and she's a party girl in a big way, so could easily see things turning rather grim. hope not. pray not. but no power to stop it if that's where he's headed. and honestly, he could just be saying that to manipulate me. he is the puppetmaster, after all. he is sh*t out of luck if he goes that route, though. too much knowledge on that subject in my pocket.

I'm the child of an alcoholic parent myself. thankfully dad got treatement and has been sober for over 20 years, and even back then, the whole family was active in his recovery process. as for myself, thankfully while yes, I do drink, I curbed out and out excessive drinking in my early 20s. don't know why I am going on about that. it does explain the co-dependent tendencies in my life, though. and possibly the enabling (thanks mom!).

anyway, yeah, my friend (the therapist) is awesome. she can lay things out and help me word them far better than I can myself sometimes. she's been a godsend to me. I love my own therapist, she is amazing, but deb, well, she adds a whole other dimension for me. she can say the things my therapist can't/won't. and she's known me since we were 14, so she doesn't just get the situation, she really knows me, all of me.