Yes I think a screenplay is a great idea. We had talked about it in the past but the truth is that we were both very emotionally damaged from it. We have a totally different perspective on it now so yes it might be the right time.
And yes you are right. I really don't want to stay here long.
Things are progressing. No sex yet but there are changes.
Even today we made another little step. My wife normally intercepts my mother's blows at me. I've known this for some time and we've talked about it. However over the weekend W was gone and had a major realization of how nasty my mother really is and how terrible it must be for my wife to deal with this. In dealing with it I also recognized the trait in myself. I've known for some time that I would anger and lash out. I've worked extensively on controlling it and have had great success. However all of a sudden I really understand it. Just knew it existed before but now I get it. And by getting it I'm positive I can delete it from my personality.
I discussed this with my wife today.
Later my mom called. W had been shielding me all day but gave the phone to me and said I might as well deal with it. I did and stated very matter of factly to my mother where she errored.
I do believe my wife was quite happy. She said "good, she needed to be told"
Could it be that my mother's interference is what's keeping our marriage from finishing it's healing? I think I can answer that.
The strange thing is that I wasn't much affected by the call. It used to really get to me emotionally which is probably why my wife shielded me. But not much at all this time. Pretty detached actually. Not sure what caused that but it's definely a very good thing.
On another note:
Last Friday we put on a business mixer. It turned into quite the party and as is usually the case during these things is when my wife becomes affectionate towards me. It is the only time. She loves to brag about me and she'll pay a lot of attention to me. Touches me a lot. Very different than the rest of the time.
So afterwards I decide to make a move. She's a little drunk and this has proved in the past to not be the time. But the night had been affectionate so I persist anyway.
I sit on the couch next to her and I'm obvious about what I'm doing. So I put my hand on her leg. She does not move away but there's a little uneasyness. We continue to talk. But here's the thing. It caused what I can only describe as a panic attack in me. I really felt like I was going to have a heart attack. However I persisted. I kept my hand there and continued to talk. It was really scary but I pushed through. I didn't really expect that kind of reaction in my own body.
So I didn't actually die.
I do think that pushing through it has had some transformative effect in myself. Maybe in her too. Not sure where that takes me but wanted to post it.
