Again are we talking about other-validation in that we choose to surround ourselves with people that appreciate, like, and/or love us OR other-validation as a substitute for self-validation? Of course I think it is good to have people appreciate you. What I don't think is good is to use other-validation as a way to "make" yourself feel good about yourself.
Either one. If there was no risk of the other-validation not coming through whenever it was needed, would it make a difference if it were from people who admire you or just to make yourself feel good? If there were NO risk or consequence, what would be wrong with that?
My point is that I do not believe giving validation to others is bad per se. It is the consequences of that validation that is the problem. This may be splitting hairs to some, but I think it is a critical difference for moving toward interdependence.
So in this example a husband and wife would make it their duty to make the other happy?
Technically I see no problem with this, IF both people were truly able to hold up their end of the duty. But as your example of your sick mother shows, this is not realistic. Yet is the other-validation really the problem or is it the inability of us human to reliably provide it?
Yes, taking care of yourself a la putting the oxygen mask on FIRST when you are on the plane IS the "right" thing to do.
Maybe in a life or death situation, but in relationships I do not agree. The problems the triggers so many fights in marriages seem to have a common theme – that one person is not validating the other on one way or another. As in your example it may be more than humanly possible for a person to do. But I am not sure I see a problem with other-validation per se.
Yes, I agree that other-validation is unstable because I believe it is HEALTHY for it not to be stable. Since I know my wants and needs best, shouldn't I be the best one to take ownership of meeting those wants and needs.
I don’t know that this is necessarily true. You may know your own wants and needs best, but if communication is open and you are willing to express yourself freely, then over time each partner can come to know one another intimately and quite thoroughly. Think of the old married couple who are as one unit, soul mates, in which one knows what the other thinks and what their likes and dislikes are. Is that such a scary model? Is that something to not strive for? I can see this may not be something for everyone. In fact, I think it would be tough to find the right match to make this work, but for me, it is an interesting idea and an objective that bridges a lot of what I would like in a relationship.
I do have to agree that people are imperfect. And definitely relying on others to completely take care of your feelings and validation is not a stable situation.
That is the point of my questioning… does it have to be unstable? Is there another way?
