Sex and Validation

[fearless]

But my point is that other-validation per se is NOT bad.

Again are we talking about other-validation in that we choose to surround ourselves with people that appreciate, like, and/or love us OR other-validation as a substitute for self-validation? Of course I think it is good to have people appreciate you. What I don't think is good is to use other-validation as a way to "make" yourself feel good about yourself.

In fact, there should not be anything wrong with it if both people could be trusted to hold up their end of the validation duty.

So in this example a husband and wife would make it their duty to make the other happy?

The problem comes during times of stress when people revert to the dysfunctional defense systems they learned in their past (which is why understanding your FOO is so important).

While I completely agree that understanding FOO is useful and important, I don't think that this is the only reason that people cannot other-validate enough in times of stress. Let's say my mom is in the hospital recovering from a brain tumor and is in IC for months at a time and I am taking engineering courses and visiting her at the hospital every weekend. Wouldn't that alone be enough to distract me from being able to prop by boyfriend up? Forget having any FOO issues to deal with.


When this happens one person stops validating the other and instead focuses on self protection.

Yes, taking care of yourself a la putting the oxygen mask on FIRST when you are on the plane IS the "right" thing to do.

THAT is the problem with other-validation. The system is unstable

Yes, I agree that other-validation is unstable because I believe it is HEALTHY for it not to be stable. Since I know my wants and needs best, shouldn't I be the best one to take ownership of meeting those wants and needs.

because people are imperfect.

I do have to agree that people are imperfect. And definitely relying on others to completely take care of your feelings and validation is not a stable situation.